The Twelve Step Program
A little while back, I decided to write "How to get over your obsession with your internet boyfriend, Orlando Bloom: a Twelve-Step Program," since I was an O.B. fan, once upon a time (over a year ago, I swear). I started it yesterday, and there will be a step a day up until our One Year Anniversary.
Step 1:
Admittance:
Repeat to yourself, “I am unhealthily obsessed with Orlando Bloom. I must stop.”
Step 2:
Re-evaluation of "priorities":
Realize that Orlando Bloom is not very attractive, nor very talented. Distract self by engaging in other activities such as phoosball.
Step 3:
Find a new man to oogle:
Pick an attractive AND somehow talented man to distract yourself with, such as Kyan Douglas. You may now spend your time fantasizing about him making over your bathroom. You walk in on him as he's very vulnerable: bent over and scrubbing your bathtub. He sees you, decides that he's straight (just this once), and you have mad crazy sex in the shower.
Step 4:
Elimination of all Reminders:
This twelve-step program is a process of weaning oneself off of ORlando BLoom PERMENANTELY. Like smoking, quitting cold turkey makes it much more likely that one will resume the habit than if quitting had been a gradual process.
This will be difficult: Destroy anything that fondly reminds you of Orlando Bloom. Discard of all O.B. posters, magazine covers, articles, etc. If a certain movie or website reminds you of O.B., do not frequent that site until a little while after you have completed the program. The only exceptions are The Nancing Pony [ed: of course!] and Wilde.
Step 5:
Admittance, part 2:
Admitted to God, ourselves and another human being, the exact nature of Orlando Bloom.
Step 6:
Solution:
Admittance that one is entirely ready to move on to another, healthier, obsession.
Step 7:
Reminding:
Make a list of the benefits of being O.B.-free, and imagine how life will be without this fandom dragging you down.
Step 8:
Apologize:
Apologize to anyone who was affected by your obsession with Orlando Bloom. Explain that you are trying to recover, and ask what you can do to make up for the horrible effects that your obsession had on them.
Step 9:
Make (more) Amends:
Made direct amends to such people except when to do so would injure others. This means no apologizing to current O.B. fangirls--they will be angry at you for abandoning their fandom.
Step 10:
Continued to take personal inventory and when your were wrong, promptly admitted it:
When did your obsession hurt other people? Make a list.
In short, it makes sense that after seeing the cause of your pain, seeing your defects of character to go out and do those things again, will only lead to more heartache and such self-destructive behavior as an obsession with Orlando Bloom.
I expected everything to change overnight, but it did not, but it did change slowly, those fears that tortured me were not torturing me so much. Those resentments would kick in again, a scream at that those people deserved what they got or how could that person say or do that to me (self-pity). What I did have was a little thought that if I looked at defects and became willing to change, thing must get better!
Step 11:
Prayer:
Sort through prayer and mediation to improve conscious contact with the Gods and Goddesses of the internet: the Nancing Pony staff, as we understand them, praying only for knowledge of their will for use and the power to carry that out.
Step 12:
Full Recovery:
Having had a productive awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to Orlando Bloom fans and to practice these principles in all of our affairs.
And we mean all affairs.