by 121 & YMG
Chapter One by 121
“Behold! A throne!” said Legolas. His voice resounded through the royal halls.
“Yes, son. It’s a throne,” said Thranduil, “Its been there for the LAST SIX EONS.”
“It seems to be very old…” said Legolas, inspecting the throne. Thranduil sighed.
“For the love of Ilúvatar, how did I get stuck with HIM for a son?”
“This dent seems very old as well…” said Legolas.
“That’s where we dropped you on your head.
“What, father?”
“Nothing,” chimed the lord of Mirkwood. We should have dropped you harder.
“Father, you are here,” said Legolas. Thranduil shook his head.
“Look son, a mirror!” said Thranduil, pointing to a large mirror near the door. Legolas examined it curiously, then chimed, “A fair elf greets me in the mirror,” and proceeded to admire his hair.
Thranduil walked over to the nearby terrace and looked down at his fair forest. It had grown great and prosperous through the ages. Now it reeked with the stupidity of his son. And then there was the whole business about the return of Sauron.
“Forgive the intrusion, my lord, but I must speak with you.” Lord Thranduil turned to see Elros Helyanwë standing in the doorway.
“Ah, come in!” said Thranduil. Elros bowed, then looked strangely at Legolas. He had moved on to examine his beautiful nasal passages. Elros shook his head approached the king.
“My lord, I have come to speak with you about the Great Evil.”
“Ah, has Elrond finally sent tidings?” asked Thranduil. Elros leaned in.
”No sir,” he whispered, “I refer to the OTHER Great Evil.” He motioned to Legolas at the mirror. Thranduil led Elros to a nearby terrace overlooking Mirkwood.
“We may speak freely here,” said Thranduil.
“Is it safe?”
“Yes,” replied Thranduil, “He’ll be staring at his hair for hours.”
“Forgive my blatancy, milord, but what is his obsession with his looks?” asked Elros.
“If only I knew…” answered Thranduil.
“I must admit though that it has a beautiful silky texture,” said Elros, looking back into the royal chambers.
“Yes and it’s bounce…” Thranduil stopped in the middle of his sentence. A horrified look came over his face. “Dear Elbereth he’s rubbing off on us…”
“My lord, we must do SOMETHING about him. He has all of Middle-earth believing that we talk to trees! Lord Elrond is up at arms about this!”
“I know,” said Thranduil, “but to murder a prince is a crime. Believe me, if it weren’t I would have done it myself. But I have a plan. I will tell him that a new shipment of hair conditioner arrived in the market but to receive some, he must take the road that will take him to the market in five minutes. Rather, he must wander through the deadly, orc-infested forest where the orcs will catch him unawares and slay him!”
“But your son is a master archer,” said Elros.
“I’ll just have someone wave something shiny to distract him.”
“A diversion,” chimed Legolas.
“WHAT THE HELL? You…” Thranduil sighed. “Well I must speak with you anyway. A new shipment of hair conditioner just arrived in the market. But instead of taking the road that will lead you there in five minutes, you must wander aimlessly through the orc-infested… I mean pleasant, foreboding forest to prove yourself worthy of it.” Legolas’ face lit up.
“I shall go at once, father,” said Legolas.
“Good, and… what are you doing?” asked Thranduil as Legolas tried to strap a cuirass on him, “Why are you putting armor on me?”
“I…don’t know, father… I just had this urge…” Legolas, bewildered, turned and left. As he walked away, Thranduil drew his bow.
“NO LORD THRANDUIL!” shouted Elros, restraining him.
“Just one shot… I can kill him with just one shot…”
“Let the orcs do it,” said Elros, “and let us hope he never inherits your throne.”
Chapter Two