by 121 & YMG
Chapter Two by 121
“There he goes, talking to the trees again,” said Finduil. Arginus shook his head.
“Why does he do that?” asked Arginus. Legolas laughed at the tree’s “joke”. “He has all of Middle-Earth believing that elves talk to trees. TREES DON’T TALK!”
“Come, my friends,” said Legolas, waving at them, “I have someone you must meet!”
Reluctantly, the two elves approached Legolas. They knew no good could come of this. No good ever came out of Legolas.
“Arginus, Finduil, this is Barkhead,” said Legolas cheerily. The two elves stared in disbelief.
“Legolas,” said Finduil after a few minutes, “I hate to break this to you but trees don’t talk.”
“But I hear them talking,” said a confused Legolas, “don’t you?”
Silence
“That’s called schizophrenia,” said Arginus. He led Legolas deeper into the woods. The two elves knew that the orcs would come soon and readied themselves to run.
“There are many trees here…” said Legolas, looking around.
“That’s because we’re in a forest,” said Arginus. He was beginning to get agitated.
“It seems we are in the middle of a forest,” said Legolas at length.
“What if we just hang him on that bough there?” whispered Finduil. “No one would be the wiser.”
“No, we stick to the plan,” answered Arginus.
“Fine,” said Finduil. In the distance they heard Legolas’ voice. He was speaking to the trees again. “How about I just hang myself then?”
The two elves, feeling their sanity being sapped by Legolas’ stupidity, led Legolas deeper and deeper into the orc-infested forest. To their dismay, the Mirkwood prince made many friends among the trees during their journey. On one occasion, Finduil and Arginus had to restrain Legolas after a tree insulted his mother. Finally, the small company arrived at a small clearing. Finguil and Arginus looked around for any sign of orcs.
“Why are we stopping here?” asked Legolas. It was the most intelligent thing he had said all day.
“That’s because we’re…uh…” stuttered Arginus. He looked at Finguil.
“Uh…” Finguil thought for a moment. “LOOK! That tree’s checking you out!” Legolas looked behind him at the tree and winked back. Legolas walked over to the tree and began to flirt with it. Arginus struggled to contain his laughter. In the distance, a twig snapped.
“What was that?” said Finguil, drawing his bow. Arginus came to his side.
“Must be the orcs,” said Arginus. Another twig snapped. Finguil loosed an arrow into the brush. An orc fell dead.
“HERE THEY COME!” shouted Arginus. They retreated to Legolas as the orcs charged. Noticing that Legolas was too preoccupied with his new flame to notice the orcs, the two elves retreated into the woods. They could not leave until the prince’s death was confirmed.
“You know, my father’s a king,” said Legolas smoothly. He ran his hand up the tree’s trunk. Several arrows whizzed by him. “So how’d you like to come up to my place tonight and NOOOOOOOO!” Legolas watched in horror as a strand of blonde hair fell to the ground. An orcish arrow had sliced off one of Legolas’ golden locks. Cradled the strand, he looked up at the orcs. A fire danced in Legolas’ eyes. He drew his bow.
“No one touches the hair,” said Legolas as he let his arrows fly. The orcs fell before they could fire another volley. A number of them charged Legolas, but he leapt onto a branch and fired down into their skulls. Soon, only two orcs remained. Dropping their weapons, they ran screaming into the woods. Legolas chased after them, holding his two elvish knives. One flew through the air, slicing one of the orcs’ heads off. Legolas pounced on the other, ripping its throat out with his bare hands. Finguil watched in awe.
“No one messes with the hair,” said Legolas as he returned to Finguil. He reached into his quiver but he was out of arrows. They had failed. Legolas would live for another day.
“Help me!” shouted Arginus from behind. Finguil turned to see Arginus on the ground, several orcish arrows piercing his chest.
“LEGOLAS, COME QUICK!” shouted Finguil as he knelt by Arginus’ side. Legolas, who had returned to his attractive tree, bid the tree farewell and came to the fallen Arginus.
“Help me…” gasped Arginus.
“You seem to be hurt,” said Legolas.
“There isn’t time for this!” shouted Finguil. “We need to get him back to the royal healers.” Finguil began to break the shafts off.
“You seem to have been struck by arrows, many of them,” said Legolas, feeling intelligent.
“NO SHIT!” shouted Arginus. Finguil slung him over his shoulder.
“This path should lead us back,” said Finguil.
“Or we can go through the mines of Moria,” said Gimli. He came out from a bush and approached the elves. “My cousin Balin would give us a royal welcome.”
“We have no time for this, master dwarf,” answered Finguil. “My friend is in need of aid.”
“Moria has some of the best medical facilities in all Middle-Earth!” said the dwarf as the elves ran off.
”Stupid elves,” he muttered.
Chapter Three