Legolas/Orlando Rants

Dear Orlando,

Sometime, 2004

I would like to make it clear that not only are you not at all sexually attractive (at all at all at all), but you are by far one of the worst actors I have ever seen.

It is very disheartening, as someone who aspires to perform onstage in a few years, to see such pathetic excuses for actors making their way up the Hollywood ranks, thus proving that the only thing you need to be a successful Hollywood actor is good looks.

Which makes it even more confusing because you are incredibly ugly.

I honestly don't understand why you're sold out as this incredible looker, dashing, charming, wonderful, caring, and all of that bullshit that middle American hormonal teenage girls (and some boys) just eat up. You are, in fact, the polar opposite of attractive. There are piles of shit that are more aesthetically pleasing than you, and they probably smell better too.

Whoever told you that you were a good actor and should pursue that career should be cut and shot. You display the smallest array of human emotions on screen, going from confusion to stupidity. I have never been able to take you seriously as I watch any of the few movies you are in that I don't run away screaming from. Actor in a High School Performance doesn't even begin to describe your talent, as I know some very talented actors who are in High School. In fact, I did a much better job doing a monologue in the fifth grade than you would ever be able to do in any of your movies. You have never, in my own experience as a moviegoer, read a line in a different tone of voice other than your normal, confused voice.

And by that, I mean that you fucking suck.

And get out of the closet already, asshole.

You have been warned.

- Jagged Little Pill, your future assassin.

PS: I'm gonna cut you so bad you ... you gonna wish that I wasn't cuttin' you!

PPS: Oh, and try to appeal to an audience other than those mindless 12 year olds who have no IQ. If I have to read one more stupid comment from one of your stupid fans talking about how "hott" you are, then I will personally blame you.

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Oh Blargh!

June 16th '03:

So I was sitting in this tiny convertible meant for two people--only there were three of us, plus the cat. The drive was about three hours. It had been two and a half, and the cat was starting to get hungry, and mewing his fur off. I was already trying to scratch my way out of the car. We come to a toll booth; the city skyline--home--is in sight. And just as I think the trip is almost done, I see IT--a GIGANTIC POTC poster with a larger-than-life Mr. Tampon in it, sandwiched between the drag-queen made-up Johnny Depp, and the Mary Sue of the film. I promptly curled up into the fetal position and started to scream and cry. After I thought I had overcome the initial shock, I called YMG to tell her of the horrible news. She told me to chill out--and commented that man, it really is difficult to have an Orlando-free day (which she had, damn her). So a few minutes later, I hung up the phone. I let out a sigh of relief to be back in the city, and looked out my window. And then I saw it. On the side of a payphone booth was a poster for IT. This truly is a sick, sick world.

- Sexy Beast

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OBSEQUIOUS

May 4th '03:

So I'm about to see "Anger Management" with my parents, when suddenly I see a coin with a skull on it on the screen. I know what's coming. I can feel it approaching, and I avert my eyes.Then OB came on. And I yelped. Literally. My dad took that to be the indication that the person on screen was elf boy. My mom sighed (to my shame, she's a Legolas fan. Save me!) Then they showed OB kissing the all-perfect heroine of the movie. I had to turn away. I was too scared. If I see him on the street, I'll run away and start sprinting down the street screaming with horror. So, Suddenly, out of the blue, my dad says to me, "You know, I think you love the elf guy." I whip around and stare at him in disbelief. "Dad, I love VIGGO! The RUGGED guy! NOT the guy who looks like a girl more than I do." I DO NOT LOVE ORLANDO! I LOVE VIGGO! And now, I'm off to be annoyed at the fact that everyone thinks he's so goddamn gorgeous, but he's nothing more than a pretty GIRL who has ZERO acting skills! At least Viggo can act and he looks like a guy. Long live Viggo!

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OBSCENITIES

April 20th '03:

I didn't think it would ever come, but I've had an Orlando free day. It was somewhat sad, though, because I had to not go online to accomplish it. And then, just after the clock struck midnight, I saw a Two Towers poster. *Sigh* Anyways -- I found an interesting article, with some "little known facts" on Obie. Like the fact that he likes to wank off to Melanie Griffith movies (?) (Which the author says he will do tomorrow ... connotations? ... nah!) Obie dear also likes to wear socks to bed sometimes ... and surely André would know, ne? Orlando's favourite colour is yellow, just like Freddie Mercury. His favourite tea is Earl Grey, just like Freddie Mercury. (A trend?) Just a few more now ... Andre "finds" Obie not well, but with binoculars. (We ask, he's that small?) He and Orlando both *adore* Xtina A! (Gag. Me.) - YMG

"Does Orlando know the satires/parodies on LOTR that are going around on the internet? He doesnt surf, so I doubt that. But maybe his manager showed him some." (Aw, shucks!) "Why he´s such a technophobe? Because the IMPORTANT things in life matter to him more." (Ach! He burninated us!)

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The OBlong Box

April 4th, '03:

Something is rotten in the state of New York. Something is very, very wrong. ("Wronger" than Elijah Wood is gay). Orlando Bloom is everywhere. Not just Orli, but LEGOLAS. I keep talking to YMG about "Legolas" and we think that if he has ever had a hetero relationship, he probably dumped her because she screamed out "Legolas!" in bed. Of course, he must be gay, because we can't have him. It's not fair, man. I want his succulent ass as much as the next person, but I'm afraid that I will never get to. After all, I'm just a fangrl, right? Riiiiiight. And so's your mom. I realized that I can no longer be a Lego-Orlando fan anymore when my friend Rachel feigned a heart attack upon realizing that the man (even though he's a girl) might actually be a flaming ponce. And he will be, until the day comes when I get to scream out "Lego--Orlando!" in bed.      - Sexy Beast

PS: I've heard rumours that a certain actor had agreed to pose nude for a magazine. - YMG

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OB-la-de, OB-la-di

March 22nd, '03:

Christ, but this has been a long week ... I was going to cry earlier! I was having a quite fantastic ORLANDO FREE day, and I went to have Chinese food, and see Bringing Down the House. (I love Steve Martin.) And I was estatic, I hadn't even seen that sadistic popup ad from the corner... So I get to the theater, and I see this really bad CG of an island (Maya my ass, I could do better with Bryce!) and it zooms out to reveal a skull. I started quiet- screaming, because I knew what was coming -- and it was, as I had suspected, the trrailer for Pirates of the carribbean. Starring You Know Who. *weeps* Anyway, SB and I have been making some devious plans regarding this site ... so look out for lots of juicy new updateses.      - YMG

PS: I almost cried when I saw this site. Some people just have way too much time on their hands!

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OBaby baby

March 13th, '03:

Your Mamma's Girl and I discovered that we have no life when did not return home until 7:00. Why? Because we were manipul- ating pictures of Legolas and friends, render- ing them even more sketchy than they'd been before *cackles merrily*. Cruel? We think not, we simply found it extremely amusing. A heads up for the future: Legolas is definitely… involved with my Ken doll. We really enjoyed finding ways to make Legolas/Bloomie (he's so hot!) look as gay as he really is. This is the point where I go off on a tangent-Orlando Bloom is very, very hot, and very, very gay. I mean, seriously, have you read the top 10 list? And have you seen LOTR II? If you don't see the slash between him and Aragorn, then you are way too innocent! Anyway, Bloomie must be gay. I mean, I can't have him, right? Besides, YMG astutely joked that his last straight relation ship (if he's had one) probably ended when the girl shouted out "Legolas" in bed. I'm sure I would.        - Sexy Beast

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Orli MeLove

March 7th, '03:

Quite a few interesting things today ... Sexy Beast and I ate 50+ fortune cookies between the two of us, in a contest to find the dirtiest fortune. I think she won, but we didn't find anything particularly great. And, eating a nice round 30, I wasn't to hungry for dinner ... I digress. The list of Legolas quotes has sparked our interest, and we want to update it as much as possible, as nasty as possible. After all, That is the goal here. So if you know any euphamisms that could apply to the Leggy Lass, please pass them along. The product reports will be up by Sunday ... some pretty sketch things in that catergory.        - Your Momma's Girl

PS: "You always know the right times to be assertive or to simply wait." (In bed.)

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Dear Journal

March 6th, '03:

Must stop! Can't stand anymore! No escaping the Legolas plague. Even the popup ad on this page has a picture of Bloomie. It's crazy! Let's see, Sexy Beast and I tortured a Legolas figure, pics up in the comics section, although she' still smitten, poor girl. But she'll get over it. I wonder what it feels like to have a ton of people want to sleep with you. Scary probably. And it really sucks that all the Bloomie fans don't give a crap about his personality or anything. That's why it's more fun to be a Hugo/Christopher fan. I resepct those blokes, and I'm sure as hell not trying to bed them!        - Your Momma's Girl

PS: Bloom fan? Go to www.sexiestmanalive.org And vote ... anything to dislodge Wood.

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Captain's log

webdate 03/04/03:

It was great when it all began, I was a regular Leggy fan, but it was over when -- every fucking girl in America wanted to screw his brain out! I'll admit that when I saw LOTR, I thought Orlando Bloom was pretty hot. But when it got to the point where I couldn't walk down the hallway without hearing his name ever five seconds, I just couldn't take it anymore. I am so sick of hearing about Legolas this, and Legolas that ... and the amount of Legolas-related LOTR products is scary. Lucky for OB that he doesn't look like his counterpart -- otherwise he wouldn't be able to walk down the street alive!        - Your Momma's Girl

PS: Isn't it great that his initials are OB? So many meanings, so little time ...

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