... can be read here
Chapter 1: A Man's Kiss
YMG: And this is a Legolas Aragorn story?
SB:: Maybe if we're lucky, Legolas'll turn into a frog...
"I'm going to get 'Dan and 'Ro back for this,"
YMG: Dan and Ro? How quaint.
JLP: How disgusting! How could they do that to such nice names!
YMG: It's funny how Dan and Ro are the most generic names. As if the author needs to conform Middle Earth into her own twelve year old frame of mind.
muttered Aragorn as he cleaned his sword.
YMG: And this story is PG-13?
His twin foster brothers had crept into his room as he slept and
YMG: Bashed his skull in?
coated his sword from pommel to tip in honey.
YMG: Whoa.
FQ: It's funny how when he cleaned off the sword, the honey turned white...
When he had drawn it, his hand had stuck to the sword,
YMG: Gasp!
which in turn was stuck to the scabbard.
YMG: O.o
FQ: What a sticky situation!
He had then had to spend the past hour removing all traces of stickiness from his sword.
YMG: Oh. My God.
FQ: That's like a sexually charged version of a Marcel Marcel act.
Now, he was focused on revenge.
"And how do you intend to do that?" asked his best friend, Legolas.
YMG: Nancy's best friends George and her cousin Bess were always around when she needed them.
FQ: Wait, he can mind read?
He had been helping by cleaning out the man's scabbard.
YMG: Helping...?
FQ: (as Aragorn) No Legolas, that's the wrong sword...
"Look under my pillow," answered Aragorn, a slightly evil look in his eye.
YMG: What is this author thinking?
FQ: She's obviously too pure for her own good.
SB: Or is she...
FQ: (as Legolas) Porn tape?
The Elf did, and pulled out a
YMG: censored!
FQ: Porn tape!
battered piece of parchment.
YMG: A treasure map!
SB: Yarr.
Reading the heading aloud, he said, "'Delayed Action Hair Dye. Will dye hair green, pink, blue, or orange.
YMG: No red? No purple? I'd ask for my money back.
This dye does not take effect for two days, but then will not come out for two weeks.' What colors are we going to use?"
YMG: Middle Earth hair dye?
FQ: Somehow, I don't think they have hair dye in Middle Earth.
"We?" asked Aragorn hopefully.
YMG: (as Legolas) Yes, Aragorn, I've loved you since I first met you!
FQ: You can't ask hopefully. And that's from somebody who got a D in grammar.
"Yes, we. After all, it is because of them that I had to spend the past hour cleaning out your scabbard.
YMG: Oh, you enjoyed it, didn't you!
But I ask again, what colors are we going to use?" pressed Legolas.
YMG: Harder, harder.
"Orange for 'Dan, Blue for 'Ro," smirked the Man,
YMG: The One Man to Rule them All.
FQ: Wait, which hair are they dying?
laying down his sword and walking over to his wardrobe.
YMG: It talked, sang, and gave him pretty dresses.
He pulled the doors open, reached into his spare boots, and pulled out two bottles of clear fluid. He then handed the bottles to Legolas.
YMG: Lube? They're gonna do it?!
FQ: L S D. Now they're going to see the pretty colours without dye...
"'DAHDOD' and 'DAHDBR'," read the Elf. "What does that mean?"
YMG: It means Death and hopeless despair of dooom! And your mom.
FQ: Right.
YMG: Right.
"It stands for 'Delayed Action Hair Dye: Orange, 'Dan' and 'Delayed Action Hair Dye: Blue, 'Ro'," explained Aragorn.
FQ: Did I miss something, or were those words translated in to sentences... ? And you know, I don't think Aragorn can actually read Elvish. I bet he just says something randomly, and the subtitles make up for his incompetence.
"Shall we wait a few days so they won't suspect us?"
YMG: Certainly the might suspect, after they caught you in the bathroom together at that party...
FQ: Uh... the orcs dyed your hair! Run!
"No, I have an even better idea," said Legolas.
FQ: Let's have sex in their bed and then not clean their sheets!
YMG: You know what's good for getting out stains? Sex with another man.
"What?" asked Aragorn in anticipation.
YMG: (as Aragorn) Are we going to use the whips again?
"Today we get Lord Elrond to let us go hunting tomorrow.
YMG: The world!
We can say that we wish to bring in a stag for the Midsummer feast. Then, tonight we
YMG: Do the hora till dawn!
put the dye in your dear brother's hair.
FQ: How do they have all these colors to dye their hair? They live in the middle ages. They don't even have toilets.
YMG: Wait, I thought there were two brothers?
FQ: Then we rape his sister. Anyone? Anyone?
By the time they discover the trick, we'll be long gone!" explained Legolas.
"You are
YMG: An annoying mofo?
SB: My fire? My one desire?
a genius,
YMG: #1 noun never used to describe Legolas.
mellon nin {my friend}," laughed Aragorn.
YMG: My friend, my ass.
FQ: I'm sure that translates to my prison bitch.
"I know," smirked Legolas, striking a heroic pose.
FQ: Yeah, I bet he struck a heroic pose.
YMG: Brother Hector, we must transform!
His friend, however, promptly swung a pillow at him, knocking him out of position.
YMG: Pillow fight?
FQ: That's not gay in any way!
YMG: It's like they're twelve year old girls running around in their underwear.
Legolas pretended to be offended and countered with a swing of his own pillow.
YMG: Oh, thtop.
FQ: Of course, being an archer, he swung and hit himself in the head.
Soon, the Prince of Mirkwood and the future King of Gondor had a royal pillow fight engaged.
YMG: Soon... they had? That doesn't make any sense.
FQ: So... are they saying the entire empire is going to be gay?
After fifteen minutes or so, the friends ended with a stalemate and wandered off to find Elrond.
YMG: Threesome!
FQ: Porn tape!
.().().().
YMG: What they hell is that supposed to mean?
FQ: We're being attacked by bunny ears!
Elrond Peredhil sat in his study,
YMG: I love how they have studies in Middle Earth. Or offices.
running his hands through his hair in exasperation. The messenger from Lorién had arrived with a lengthy letter from Galadriel detailing why she would not allow Aragorn, Legolas, Elladan, or Elrohir to
YMG: Molest her marchwarden.
visit until they had matured.
FQ: I'm sure somebody in Alaska understood that...
YMG: Because in order to participate in the great Lorien orgies, one had to be at least 4,500 years old.
FQ: Look at those breasts sag!
YMG: On the other hand, Elladan and Elrohir, and I guess Aragorn, are her grandchildren. What kind of grandmother doesn't want to see her grandchildren?
If he didn't get them out of his hair,
YMG: References to hair dye. Oi.
FQ: Double Entendre.
their practical jokes would drive him insane!
YMG: Maybe he's already insane. Or maybe he just needs a girlfriend.
He loved them all,
YMG: All day and all night.
but fatherly patience can only stretch so far.
YMG: Only, oh, 4,000 years or so...
FQ: You are my father figure... how does that song go? By George Michael?
YMG: Oh. George Michael. And you know, only two of those listed were actually his sons.
What was he going to do with them?
YMG: I know! I know!
FQ: Shh, don't give away the ending. I love porn tapes with suspense!
YMG: Actually, the real ending is so boring, you want to cry.
His thought was interrupted when the door to his study was suddenly flung open and
YMG: Two passive sentences arrested him for bad writing.
two of the whirlwinds entered. Speak of Morgoth, and he appears, thought Elrond ruefully before saying aloud, "Legolas. Aragorn. You wish to speak with me?"
YMG: No, we wish to do you!
FQ: I know I speak ruefully when I see them coming. Oh, that was a double entendre too!
"Yes, ada {dad}. Legolas and I wish to go on a hunting trip tomorrow to
YMG: Hunt each other.
FQ: Rraow!
bring some venison to our Midsummer feast. May we have your permission?" asked Aragorn eagerly.
FQ: Two of you alone on horseback, nothing around but the trees, and the glades, no one to hear moans or sighs... how much trouble could you get into?
YMG: Every time Aragorn “asks” something, he does it in such a sketchy way! Eagerly... hopefully... with anticipation...
FQ: With stamina...
Thank the Valar
FQ: What the hell is that?
YMG: The gods.
FQ: Oh. I thought it was the valet. Just wondering.
Elrond thought joyously. Now half of the troublemakers would be out of his hair for a while.
FQ: We should count the times there are puns about hair. I think we're up to three.
Taking care so as not to appear to eager, he stated,
YMG: Do me, and you can go anywhere you want.
FQ: Why don't you get down on two knees and beg.
"If you bring your weapons and healing herbs in case of an orc attack, I see no reason as to why you cannot go."
FQ: In case one of you starts bleeding.
YMG: You know, from an orc attack.
FQ: Orc sounds like a dirty, dirty word.
YMG: Any reason as to why they need to ask permission?
FQ: So they don't send a search party. To interrupt them.
YMG: Good call.
The pair's faces lit up in anticipation.
FQ: One night in Anticipation. Porn tape.
This trip may have been started for a mere getaway, but it was also promising to be extremely enjoyable.
YMG: No comment.
FQ: (as the trip) No seriously, it's really fun! We have glades and meadows and gay sex and rivers and trees...
"Thank you!" they shouted in unison before turning and racing out of the room.
YMG: Oh, how eager they are!
FQ: Like two schoolboys discovering themselves.
YMG: Sounds like HP slash.
Lord Elrond sat shaking his head. He loved the boys, but Ai! Were they a handful.
YMG: And a mouthful.
FQ: A handful of what?
.().().().
Several hours later, Elladan and Elrohir were preparing for bed
YMG: That took a while.
while talking to each other across the hall that separated their rooms.
YMG: Or screaming?
"You know, I'm surprised Aragorn hasn't tried some sort of prank to get us back for that honey," remarked Elrohir.
YMG: Maybe he just liked it.
FQ: Honey on his sword? I know most guys like that. From experience...
YMG: Yeah, right.
FQ: Quiet, you!
"Maybe he's finally realized that, even with Legolas' help, he can never win!" said his twin, hopefully.
FQ: Why are they saying things hopefully? *throws chair at screen*
"When has our dear little brother ever shown so much sense?" responded Elrohir.
"You have a point!" laughed Elladan.
YMG: It's on your head.
FQ: Point. That's funny.
"Well, I'm exhausted. I still haven't recovered from staying up all night."
FQ: Why were you staying up all night, we asked in anticipation.
"Same here.
YMG: Now that explains it.
FQ: YMG, they were just up talking. About their favorite. Hobbies. What their favorite ice creams are... all wholesome fun.
YMG: Mhmm.
Goodnight!" called Elrohir.
"Goodnight!" answered Elladan.
After waiting ten minutes to insure that the twins were deep in the world of dreams,
YMG: Riiight.
Aragorn and Legolas crept silently out of the shadows.
FQ: They sound like rapists. They decided to change plans halfway through.
"Ready?" hissed Aragorn.
"Always," whispered Legolas.
YMG: 2gether 4evah!
FQ: Peanut gallery falls silent.
"Remember not to skimp on dye. Use the entire bottle. We want their hair to be brighter than Anor!" smiled Aragorn.
YMG: Raise you hand if you get that reference. No one?
"No skimping. Got it. Let's go!" laughed Legolas.
Aragorn handed him Elladan's bottle and kept Elrohir's for himself. He then pulled out two metal bowls and a pair of towels he had "borrowed" from the kitchens and gave one of each to the Elf.
FQ: How did he get them to lend towels? Sexual favors?
YMG: That description was way more complicated than it needed to be.
The conspirators shook hands and then slipped quietly into the twin's rooms.
Legolas crept up beside Elladan's bed and waved a furtive hand over his friend's face.
FQ: Porn tape!
He smirked at the complete lack of response
YMG: So much for enhanced elven senses...
and slipped the bowl under the half-elf's head.
FQ: If he were an orc, he'd be dead now. And he'd have weird hair.
YMG: They're actually three-quarter elves.
He then proceeded to carefully empty the contents of the bottle into the bowl and make sure that all of 'Dan's hair was covered down to the roots.
YMG: Full scalp massage?
FQ: Am I the only one who doesn't think this hair is his head?
YMG: You know, we haven't even gotten to the stupid part of the story yet.
FQ: I'm liking this part just fine!
He then waited an agonizingly long ten minutes for
YMG: Aragorn to strip.
FQ: Oh, the agony.
the dye to soak in. He removed 'Dan's head from the bowl and quickly dried the half-elf's hair.
FQ: Blow dried...
YMG: And he's still asleep?
Once his task was complete, the prince slipped out,
YMG: Of Elladan?
leaving nothing to mark that he had ever been there.
FQ: I wonder why they are so dead tired. Could it be that they were doing something, oh, strenuous that would tire them out before bed?
After only a minute or so, Aragorn joined him in the hall. "Any problems?" the man asked as they headed back to their rooms.
YMG: (as Legolas) Yeah, I couldn't get it up.
"None. You?" asked the Elf in kind.
FQ: No, I didn't do anything to your brother. Shut up.
"'Ro slept like a log," answered Aragorn, smiling.
FQ: Rapists.
YMG: It's so true.
FQ: It totally sounds like they went in and had sex with them and left.
YMG: But why does everybody get to use their full names except for Elladan and Elrohir? Why isn't it ‘Rag, ‘Lass, Gal', and ‘Rond?
"It seems to be a family trait.
FQ: (as Aragorn) Legolas, how would you know that, unless... oh no! I've been violated!
'Dan hardly stirred the whole time I was there," laughed Legolas.
YMG: Especially after you asphyxiated him with the fumes, asshole!
"Well, Aldamir {Tree-jewel} must be waiting for you. Hurry to her!" remarked Aragorn,
FQ: Remember. You were out with your heterosexual friends last night.
YMG: Ah, even the elven names are mary sueish.
smiling at the way his friend's eyes lit up at the mention of his wife's name.
YMG: Yawn.
FQ: (as Legolas) Damn, do I have to go back to her again? All she wants from me is sex.
It amazed him how, after several hundred years, Legolas and Aldamir were still so obviously head-over-heels in love with each other.
FQ: And they've never had children? How odd...
YMG: Aragorn's not several hundred years old. So how would he know?
"Good night. May your dreams be untroubled by fear," said Legolas.
YMG: And may the force be with you.
FQ: Remember, I'll be checking hourly.
"Or by two friends armed with hair dye!" added Aragorn, giving his friend a brotherly hug
YMG: Uh uh.
FQ: (as Aragorn) Uh... Legolas? Brotherly hugs don't usually last that long, and don't include ass groping.
before turning towards his own quarters.
Legolas laughed lightly and walked into his room.
YMG: Have they been sniffing helium? Why do they keep laughing?
He saw that Aldamir was indeed still awake and waiting for him.
YMG: Sex. Now!
FQ: Tonight? No dear.
"Where were you? I was getting worried!" said Aldamir reproachfully,
YMG: Ooh, here comes the smackdown.
rising from the chair she had been reading in.
YMG: Oh, nobody reads in Middle Earth.
FQ: Unless it's those five cent novels with pictures of naked men on the cover.
YMG: William Shakespeare's newest play...
Legolas drew her into his arms and kissed her lovingly.
YMG: Beard.
"I had...business with Aragorn,
YMG: “… business?”
FQ: Somethings don't even need to be said.
'Dan, and 'Ro," he said, hoping the elleth wouldn't probe deeper.
YMG: Does “elleth” mean soul-sucking zombie whore?
FQ: Probe, he he.
His hopes, however, were dashed when Aldamir laughed quietly.
YMG: (as Aldamir) Oh, you better believe I'm gonna probe deeper!
Meeting his ice-blue eyes with her light gray ones, she asked teasingly, "That 'business' didn't have anything to do with
YMG: Gay sex.
helping Aragorn get back for that honey in his scabbard, did it?"
YMG: Uh no...
FQ: Honey, I know you're gay, but can you at least pretend for the neighbors?
"Maybe," said Legolas evasively.
FQ: Dammit honey, you're not listening to me!
Aldamir laughed and pulled her husband in for another kiss. He ran
YMG: away.
FQ: Ew, women!
his fingers through her golden hair and silently blessed the day he had met such a treasure.
SB: Yarrrr.
FQ: too bad he would never be able to fulfill her...
YMG: Golden haired treasure? Who's he, Rumpelstiltskin?
.().().().
Aragorn walked through the gardens waiting for his friend to get up.
YMG:... in bed.
FQ: There are so many friends in this place. They all must be soooo happy.
He had already saddled the horses and packed their saddlebags with enough food and medicine to
YMG: Cross the Oregon Trail and back!
last the entire week.
YMG: My what a long vacation...
FQ: They're going on a gay cruise!
Now, he just had to wait for Legolas to appear.
YMG: POOF!
"Waiting for my husband?" asked a melodic voice off to his right.
YMG: Disembodied voice…
FQ: (as Aldamir) I don't want you near him again, you homewrecker!
Turning, he saw Aldamir walking gracefully over to him. "Yes. He's late! Do you know where he is?" he asked as she reached him.
YMG: Yes. He's tied up in the dungeon, being punished for his bad behavior.
FQ: He's cleaning his tights. You know what gets stains out?
"Last I saw, he was still asleep," answered the Elf fondly.
YMG: Fondly? Fondly of what?
FQ: YMG, it's a word that looks like fondle, but isn't.
"You love him a lot, don't you?" asked Aragorn, fully knowing the answer.
YMG: Then why did he ask?!
FQ: This might come as a surprise to you... but for some time we've had a... friendly... friendship.
"As much as you love Arwen," answered Aldamir. "But I fear for him, and you as well."
FQ: She's like one of those religious-right groups. We can cure your gayness; you just have to work with us...
"What? Why?" asked Aragorn in confusion.
"I had a dream of both of you last night.
FQ: Whoa, porn tape!
Both of your hearts were aching with new hurts.
YMG: Flog me, Diomedes!
Still hurting, you went into battle, and then...then an arrow.
YMG: (as Aldamir) It pointed towards... Carvel!
I saw an orc arrow fly.
YMG: Well I be done see'n' about ev'rything, when I see an elephant fly!
And after came cry of pain," said Aldamir,
FQ: In his patooties.
YMG: Enter Portia.
tears beginning to course down her pale cheeks.
YMG: Is she having an allergic reaction?
SB: So... she's a princess named jewel, with pale cheeks. Nope, not a Mary Sue.
FQ: This is like the gay version of Julius Caeser. And that's hard to do.
YMG: Especially with Marc Antony.
FQ: Et tu... Brute? You stuck a knife in me... do it again!
"I have the gift of foresight. What if this was more than a dream?"
YMG: Four. Mary Sue count goes up...
FQ: Foresight. Hehe.
YMG: Let's name some other nasty words that start with Fore...
Aragorn took Aldamir into a brotherly embrace
YMG: Legolas is married to a man? They sure are liberal in Middle Earth...
FQ: Yeah, isn't one of them supposed to be female?
and whispered quietly, "Legolas and I will be safe, estelio nin {trust me}. I will look after him, and he will look after me.
YMG:... in bed!
Until Sauron empties all of Mordor against the two of us, we will survive."
YMG: Now go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now! We don't need you anymore!
"But what if you don't?" asked Aldamir through her tears.
"Aldamir," said Aragorn firmly, yet gently.
YMG: Hard, yet soft.
FQ: That was like sooo deep man, I can't explain.
"I would die before I let Legolas be hurt in any way."
YMG: Unless it was by me. Giggity, giggity.
FQ: If he died, what would I have to do on Saturday nights? He he .. do.
"Promise?" asked Aldamir, wiping her tears on his sleeve.
YMG: She sounds like a five year old.
"I swear it," answered Aragorn.
YMG: (as Dr. Frank) On my mother's gra-oh-mmm.
He bent his head and gave her a friendly kiss. Then, raising his hand in farewell, he said, "Na-den pedim ad {Until we speak again}."
YMG: I'll be looking at the moon, but I'll be seeing youuuuuuu!
FQ: See, he has no idea what he's saying. It's probably from some elvish commercial that says “get your whites whiter.”
"No i Melain na ar Legolas {May the Valar be with you and Legolas}," answered Aldamir, copying his gesture.
YMG: How rude!
Aragorn nodded and left, hoping that Legolas had at last seen fit to roll out of bed and join him.
YMG: In bed!
FQ: I think he was out of bed... they were trying a new experience.
.().().().
Legolas left the dream paths and noticed, to his horror, that
YMG: Freddy was after him again.
FQ: Aragorn stood heavily breathing over him.
sunlight was already streaming in the windows. He got dressed in record time
YMG: Who cares?
FQ: Everyone sleeps naked in the land of elves?
and quickly crossed over to a window to see just how late it was.
YMG: He could see the Rivendell neon clock from his lofty tower.
To his horror, he saw that he had
YMG: Used the same unnecessary phrase twice in one paragraph.
FQ: Wet the bed.
overslept by at least two hours.
YMG: Well, he must have had a busy night.
Aragorn's going to kill me! Wait a second...
He saw Aragorn standing in the courtyard with his arms around Aldamir.
YMG: Gasp!
FQ: He's cheating on me?
He could tell that they were talking, but he was so high up that even his extremely sharp ears could only
YMG: Cut himself.
catch snatches of their conversation.
YMG: Catch snatches... sounds like BDSM.
FQ: Gotta catch'em all...
"...be safe...emptying all of Mordor..." said Aragorn
YMG: Into the trash can...
"...you're not," answered Aldamir
YMG: From this planet, are you?
"...let Legolas be hurt..." replied Aragorn. Please let that be very badly out of context! prayed Legolas.
YMG: I love how the author has only these phrases that he can hear. How, convenient.
Aldamir said something that Legolas couldn't hear, but then Aragorn answered with, "I swear it."
YMG: (as Aldamir) Are you sure you're not screwing my husband?
FQ: (as Aragorn) I swear it!
Then Aragorn bent his head.
YMG: That sounds like hurting.
No, please, no!
YMG: The boy is mine!
FQ: I would just think that, from any Saturday morning cartoon, he would know what's going on. This is like the oldest play in the romance handbook.
Aldamir lifted her face to the man's.
YMG: Aahhh! Her head is removeable! She's a Stepford Wife!
FQ: She couldn't finish that sentence because it was censored for content.
"No!" Legolas shouted, but it was clear the pair below him did not hear.
YMG: As they had no ears.
Their lips met.
YMG: Hello, nice to meet you. Lovely weather, isn't it?
Legolas turned and fled from the window,
FQ: The window's attacking! Run!
so he did not know the kiss lasted less than a second.
YMG: And the author would know, she was timing them.
He did not know there was no love in the kiss.
YMG: But it's in his kiss, that's where it is! Oh yeah...
All he knew was that he kept seeing an image of his wife and his best friend with their lips pressed together,
YMG: And he'd used to much starch, and now they'd be stuck that way!
and that he could hear in his mind with every step he took Aragorn kissed Aldamir. And she kissed him back.
YMG: (as Legolas) That whore!
FQ: (as Legolas) How could she be cheating with my man!
A/N: Okay, that was a strange chapter. I'm terrible at writing love scenes;
YMG: Yes, yes you are.
battles are more my style. I hope that this was decent.
YMG: Failure.
FQ: Perhaps next time you should use less honey...
~FIN~