... can be read here
YMG: The working title of The Exorcist: The Beginning
=-A/N: I do not own any of the characters except Hanos and Kaurea.
YMG: Harold and Kumar?
All the rest belong to the greatest author in the world,
YMG: Danielle Steele?
JLP: Me?
J.R.R Tolkien.
JLP: Oh. Of course! ^_^
I think that this fic is a little bit AU,
YMG: Just a little.
JLP: You think?
and I also work off of the fact that Lord Elrond is Aragorn’s adoptive father.
JLP: Wow! At least she knows that! That means less cutting, and more bashing.
So, hence,
YMG: Oh, let’s not waste any more time sitting on the hence.
JLP: We’ll skip off merrily into the sunset, dragging along your bloodied carcass.
Aragorn calls Elrond ‘Ada’ and Elrond calls Aragorn ‘Estel’.
YMG: Does this mean we can call you Dumbass?
JLP: Ugh, please. I hate it when the authors do that.
One more note-
JLP: F#.
I admit that this starts out a little Mary-Sue-like. It will change. ^_^=-
JLP: For a dollar?
YMG: Of course.
JLP: Joy to the world.
Kaurea: timid
YMG: How unique. Is that like .. Korea?
JLP: Ugh, she looked it up on an online Elvish dictionary.
YMG: You mean just like you did now?
JLP: ...Don’t say that. It’s my job to point out what’s an Elvish dictionary name and what’s a made-up name.
YMG: Suuuuuuuuuuure.
JLP: Besides, she doesn’t give a translation for Hanos. She probably made it up. But that is the weirdest elf name I’ve ever seen, and that’s right next to “Legolas Evian Greenleaf.”
YMG: Maybe she'll write a sequel called "Hanos: The Hands of Fate."
Aragorn stood, his bow drawn and carefully aimed at the wandering orc spy,
YMG: His name is Jaws. He kills people.
JLP: It’s always the Orc spies or the evil men. It’s never a dangerous animal. Haven’t they ever heard of the Wolves?
taking careful and silent steps
JLP: Well, Aragorn’s a master hunter Ranger person. He’s also called Wingfoot. And yet Sue authors always feel the need to restate the fact that he walks quietly when he hunts. No, he puts on his silver platform boots and disco dances before shooting the fucking Orc.
as he trailed him down the dead end road.
YMG: But then where did those motorcyclists come from?
It had been just his luck to happen to get watch duty the days following
JLP: The Secret Pre-Orgy Autumn Rave. He always was there for the Rave, but missed the orgies.
one of the heaviest rainstorms they had seen in years.
YMG: So they only *saw* the rainstorm?
JLP: Wow. Just like September in New York City. Was it hurricane season?
While the perfect earth of Rivendell had remained firm as always,
YMG: Sweet Earth, you might say.
the surrounding area
JLP: Suddenly became a nesting ground for rhinos.
had become one rather deep pit of mud.
YMG: Perfect for wrestling.
JLP: Yeah, the rain that formed the mud appeared after Aragorn had killed the Kerrek. Now he needed to roll in some hay—
YMG: With Legolas—
JLP: And go sneak up on the Jhonka to steal his gold.
He had been out scouting for days, and the mud had crusted onto all of his clothing and even his hair.
YMG: Gorgeous.
JLP and GGG: *whistle*
It was just around dawn now, and small shafts of light had just about begun to peek over the horizon.
YMG: (as Max de Winter) It’s too early for the dawn … what time is it?
JLP: Ha. Shaft.
With a loud grunt, the orc reached a high
YMG: he had never reached before.
JLP: You know, I could write something really sketchy about gay sex when stoned, but I choose not to.
stone cliff where the road came to an end.
YMG: It’s so easy, not to try …
Yet just as he turned around, Aragorn let his arrow fly true,
JLP: Oh baby!
striking the orc perfectly between his eyes.
YMG: 9.6!
It fell into the mud and did not stir,
YMG: It suddenly fell limp, and now does not move!
JLP: And then there was much mud wrestling.
so the next arrow that Aragorn had ready was not needed.
JLP: Wow. He just keeps going and going, doesn’t he?
He let out a loud sigh,
YMG: (as Aragorn) Oh, I wanted to use my SuperFunTime Bow more than once!
then slung his bow back over his shoulder and continued on his way.
YMG: Skipping and picking flowers.
Elrohir and Elladan had gone to Lothlorien to
JLP: join Galadriel and Celeborn in the magical hot tub.
visit Galadriel,
JLP: in the hottub....
YMG: They had to break her legs for refusing to pay off gambling debts.
leaving him to take their watch.
YMG: Swatch?
It was not that he minded helping out his own brothers, he just was really not in the right mood to be
JLP: prancing around like an idiot, screwing every orc in sight.
traipsing around the borders killing orcs and questioning well meaning visitors.
YMG: Halt! Who goes there!
JLP: What is your name? What is your quest? What is your favorite color?
He was cold and muddy, and at the moment there was nothing he would have liked better than a warm
YMG: Hot pocket.
bed
JLP: with Legolas.
and
JLP: sex.
the
JLP: sex.
blessed
JLP: sex.
food
JLP: se—no, wait....
of the elves.
YMG: Blessed sex of the elves …
JLP: Damn. You stole my line!
Fate had another plan, obviously.
YMG: Lyke totally.
For as soon as he sat down to make
YMG: Patty cake.
JLP: A whiz.
camp for the morning so he may have a bite to eat before continuing on,
YMG: No, he may not.
he heard a faint voice calling out in elvish, screaming for help.
YMG: Screaming … faintly?
JLP: Okay. So she’s calling out for help. What are the options? Either he rescues her, and they end up falling in lurv, or when he arrives she reveals that she’s a pants Sue and beats the crap out of whoever’s trying to rape her.
He instantly jumped to his feet and pulled out his sword,
YMG: Gasp!
JLP: Oh baby!
then ran to the spot where he thought the cries were coming from.
YMG: But he was wrong, fell into a mudhole, and drowned.
JLP: But, as it turned out, he had gone the wrong way, so the Sue died and Aragorn did Legolas instead.
It did not take him long to find the source, for
YMG: She had shot up flares.
JLP: It was right next to him.
his ears were very keen and finely tuned,
YMG: To WBBC radio, 89.3 FM.
JLP: Like a piano. But not my grandfather’s. Never try to sing anything while playing that.
and his footsteps were light and quick.
YMG: Like Cool Whip.
The voice lead him to a small clearing
YMG: By tugging on his shirtsleeve.
JLP: The voice also gave him lead poisoning.
and what he found there amazed him.
YMG: There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow!
JLP: I am having been passive.
A number of humans lay dead in a circle on the ground,
YMG: zombies!
JLP: So the Sue beat them up? Pants?
riddled with orc arrows.
YMG: Riddle me this …
JLP: Wait.... Orc Arrows? What’s going on?
In the center of the circle lay
JLP: A half-digested gazelle carcass!
a little elf child,
JLP: Obviously a sacrifice to Trogdor the Burninator. They were losing too many thatched-roof cottages.
curled into a small ball with an arrow sticking from his side.
YMG: He?
JLP: Um ... so what type of Sue is this going to be? Baby zombie Sue?
At least, Aragorn assumed it to be a boy.
YMG: Judging by the facial hair.
JLP: Judging by the penis.
But as he drew closer, he found that it was a girl,
JLP: and a Sue, so he decided to leave her to die.
only with her hair
YMG: growing from her face.
JLP: completely shaved off of her head.
such a tangled mess and filled with mud and debris
YMG: Debris? From what?
JLP: The flash floods?
that she didn’t look at all like what she might have if she were a little cleaner.
YMG: A little Korean cleaner?
Aragorn drew closer to the child, then kneeled down and put his hand on her shoulder,
YMG: He’s got a slow hand.
trying to judge if the little thing was even still alive.
JLP: Thing? Wow. Way to describe your Sue, author.
“Mani marte, telella?”
JLP: Oh no, let’s PLEASE not break out into Elvish. PLEASE.
Aragorn murmured, running his experienced fingers over the child’s body,
JLP: Oh dear! Aragorn the pedophile!
discovering that she was still alive but unconscious.
JLP: *pulls out a knife* I can change that.
His heart instantly went out to her, for
JLP: she was as sexy as JLP. Then he realized that JLP was so much sexier than that dirtied HO, so looked for JLP instead.
she could not have been more than fifteen.
JLP: You know, Aragorn, I’m 16. Why not go for me? *suggestive wink*
YMG: Getting desperate, aren’t we?
JLP: ...maybe.
Perhaps younger.
YMG: Wouldn’t a fifteen year-old elf be a pupa?
Putting his hand on her forehead, he closed his eyes and pushed
JLP: ...
all of the little healing power he had into her.
JLP: ... Healing ... power? Well, yes, the King does have some healing power, but would he really use it if he wasn’t ready to take on the throne? Besides, I don’t see no Athelas around here!
Her forehead was covered in drops of sweat
JLP: No. To properly use the cliché, you must employ the word beads. Beads of sweat.
and he could see her eyes moving underneath the closed lids.
JLP: They were rolling at the clichés.
Standing up, he shifted the weight of his bags
JLP: The first time I read that statement, I was kind of thinking of something else. Bad JLP! Bad JLP!
around a little before gently picking her up, noticing another unusual thing. Her hands were bound together, as were her feet.
JLP: Oh ho! Into BDSM, are we?
But Aragorn did not think much about it now. He knew that the quicker he got her back to Rivendell
JLP: ...
YMG: What are you thinking?
JLP: Nothing.
and Lord Elrond,
JLP: ...
YMG: ...What are you thinking?
JLP: ...nothing....
the better.
He had left his horse back in Rivendell, though he really began to wish he had it now.
JLP: To ride. *snarf*
The girl was so skinny she wasn’t even hard to carry,
JLP: Like me. Are we sure it isn’t me? I wouldn’t mind getting picked up by
YMG: See, kids? Atkins diet is bad for you!
but he feared that he would be unable to get her to Rivendell in time.
JLP: So? Kill her!
YMG: But since he reeeeeaaallly needed the Biggoronsword, he would try his hardest.
Her wound was a bad one, the arrow had pierced so deep into her flesh that Aragorn did not dare to even try to remove it.
JLP: Wow. That’s a pretty nasty run-on.
For that type of healing,
YMG: Sexual healing.
you needed the skill of the elves.
“Ya naa tanya?” The voice of Hamos, chief guardian of the border gate,
JLP: ...gate? And how are we already in Rivendell?
YMG: And I thought his name was supposed to be Hanos?
drifts over the tops of the gate as Aragorn stares up into the drawn bows of at least fifteen well-trained elven archers.
JLP: *snarfs*
YMG: Gay elves in bondage?
He manages
YMG: The Kwikimart.
JLP: Hold on a second. Did we just do a tense switch? No wonder my head hurts.
to reach a hand up to rub some of the
YMG: drawn bows??
mud off of his face with his sleeve, hoping that Hanos will recognize him even when he is covered in mud.
JLP: Well, knowing Aragorn, wouldn’t they be used to it?
“Estel! You’ve returned
JLP: Now wipe your feet before you enter!
... but what has happened? What is it that you carry?”
YMG: UPS. The official shipping company of Major League Baseball.
JLP: And why did he switch back to Westron if Aragorn speaks Sindarin?
Hamos questions, his pale eleven eyes
BR>YMG: Hanos and back again: A multiple-personalitied elf's tale.
JLP: Ooh. Freaky elf-demon!
YMG: Maybe they’ve been doing genetic experiments on him. You know, like what they do to our food.
drifting to the child as he motions for the gates to be opened.
JLP: Doesn’t that hurt? I mean, his eyeballs popped out of his head and flew over to the chick.
Aragorn staggers inside, the weight of the journey finally getting to him.
JLP: Rather stereotypical, dontcha think?
YMG: She was fat, basically.
A few elves from the gate rush over to him and remove the
YMG: Past tense.
child from his arms
JLP: and put her straight into a large kettle of hot oil.
YMG: Eating babies for fun and profit!
as he staggers over to lean against a nearby tree.
JLP: Ilúvatar bless the random convenient trees.
YMG: They *are* in the forest …
Closing his eyes, he takes deep, even breaths trying to calm himself.
YMG: (as Aragorn) Think baseball. Think baseball.
JLP: Hanos of Eleven Eyes was pretty damn hot. He couldn’t wait to get back to the orgy!
He is so lost in
YMG: Translation.
this trance that he does not even notice Elrond come
YMG: What now?
up behind him and touch him gently on the shoulder, a faint smile on his face.
JLP: Ooh. Looks like the orgy came to him!
“You have brought me another stray, I see, and spent all of you energy in the process.
YMG: Tis true, Fagin.
Go and retire to your room. Lithril
JLP: I’m not even going to bother trying to translate that. It looks like Mithril with an L.
YMG: In fact, it is Mithril with an L.
will take your watch.”
YMG: Timeresque, on white expanding metal bracelet.
Elrond said, gently guiding Aragorn towards the halls that
YMG: were decked with holly.
held his room.
JLP: *cackles*
He did not protest,
YMG: too much.
JLP: Why would he?
but merely turned to Elrond with weary eyes, one question eating at his heart.
JLP: Are we there yet?
YMG: But Daaad, I already had sex with 15 arches today!
“Ada, will the girl live?”
JLP: No.
He questions, pushing a strand of stiff hair out of his eyes.
JLP: *ahem* SEXY hair.
A soft yet faint
YMG: Yet big yet large
smile crosses Elrond’s face as he takes his hand off of Aragorn’s shoulder.
JLP: And down his PANTS.
His eyes are clouded with
YMG: Mary Juana.
worry, but he tries not to show it.
YMG: So he tells it. Dunnhe?
“I have not seen her yet.
YMG: For I am blind.
The other healers are with her now. I will do the best I can to save her, Estel, but I make no guarantees.”
JLP: Fine by me!
YMG: You’ll love the way you look. We guarantee it.
Elrond says, his voice heavy.
YMG: With. DESIRE!
He knows inside how much Aragorn
YMG: La de da
JLP: wants him!
cares for other living things and the unexplainable kinship he feels with others who walk alone.
JLP: *rolls eyes* Come on, PLEASE.
YMG: Hill house has stood for ninety years, and might stand for ninety more. And he who walks there, walks alone.
Slowly, Aragorn makes his way down the bright hallway and into his room, collapsing into bed without even changing out of his dirty
YMG: defiled.
travelling clothes.
JLP: *singing* Wanna be *pause* DIRTAY!
///\\\
JLP: It’s a tee-pee.
YMG: Wow, that’s cleaner than what I thought.
A wave of pain wracks my body as I
JLP: AH! HOLY SHIT! POV JUMP!
YMG: It’s just an excuse for the author to write “And then Aragorn kissed meeee!”
gradually open my eyelids to a burst of light and a stern, dark-haired man looking down at me.
JLP: It’s the doctors. They’ve come at last.
YMG: G’morning, Mitz.
Man? Or... elf? Is this what heaven is like?
JLP: *mutters something about the religions of Middle-earth and gouges out her eyeballs*
YMG: Ooh, heaven is a place on Middle-Earth.
I know I still cannot be among the living. No, not after what happened.
JLP: Is it still present tense? Spare me. Please.
YMG: The Dawn of the Dead Pt II – return to the mall.
The only thing that convinces me that I am sadly still alive
JLP: You said it!
is the constant streams of pain flowing through the wound in my side,
JLP: *continuing the narration* and the blood spilling from my side. And before I know it, a curly-haired, teenage girl muttering something about Mary Sues was hovering over me with a knife in her hand. And now I see darkness....
followed by the cool touch of
YMG: Metal!
the elf’s hand upon my
YMG: secret hidden places (tm)!
forehead. I struggle against his
YMG: Sexy onslaught,
hand, somehow managing to pull myself into a sitting position.
JLP: (as narrator-Sue)No, no sex now. First you answer my questions.
“Shh, telella. Lle tyava quel?” The man asks as he pushes me back down.
JLP: ... See! Told you! Sex!
The words sound strange and alien to my ears,
YMG: Since I’m just a Sue, and don’t actually speak Elvish.
long accustomed to only hearing the harsh words of the human people for so long.
JLP: Okay, we do NOT speak in a harsh manner, yo! I gonna cut you!
YMG: O! Teh Bronx accent!
For a moment, I am too shocked to say anything at all.
JLP: Just say something! Like: “I heard you remodeled your kitchen, and it looks really nice!”
“Yes...better than before.”
YMG: We can rebuild her!
I whispered, bring a tentative hand to my side and feeling for the orc arrow,
JLP: (as narrator-Sue)wincing as I realize that it is still there, and the contact between my hand and the arrow is pushing it in even further.
then bringing my hand up to my neck and feeling for any sign of a scar.
JLP: Did she have a slice there? Can’t remember.
Nothing remains in either place.
JLP: ...I don’t understand that sentence,
YMG: She has no neck or side? WTF?
The elf looks at me strangely as he gracefully
YMG: pirouettes around the room.
rises to his feet, walking over to a small basin near my bed and carefully dipping a cloth into a liquid lying in a basin.
YMG: Acid. Please?
JLP: (as narrator-Sue) It’s a strange poisonous substance. He puts the cloth on my nose and mouth and I die.
“We found you rather strangely, my child.
JLP: Oh, she was only a human sacrifice.
Do you remember what happened?” He questions gently as he places
YMG: one foot in, and one foot out, then one foot in, and he shakes it all about.
the cloth across my brow.
JLP: Then strangles her? No? Why no strangling?
A cool feeling sweeps my body, relieving me of all my pain spare a dull throb.
YMG: She wet the bed!
JLP: I want to know what that liquid is. It could really help my headache right now. Do you think it comes in pills? I should probably take one or ten every time I MST something.
I choose to ignore his question for the moment and instead close my eyes, trying to
YMG: Picture him naked.
relax and concentrating on the pure feeling of simply being alive.
JLP: Not for long! *cackles deviously*
“Do you have a name?” He asks, not yet choosing to leave me alone.
JLP: Well, you are being a freeloader.
YMG: My name is Inigo Montoya …
A small sigh escapes my lips as I try to
YMG: Eat it.
think of what I was called before, my elven name.
JLP: Hold on. So is she a human or an elf? I’m so confused.
YMG: I was called Jairah. Or Katie. Whatev.
Sadly, I could remember nothing
YMG: Nothing, I tell you!
of the elves that were my parents, or the life I lived before.
JLP: *mourns*
YMG: The life she’d led in England seemed like someone else’s life …
Shaking my head, I allowed a little shiver to creep through my body as I remembered the life I had been forced to live for the past thirteen years.
JLP: OMFG TORCHAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!! She lived such a horrible life. I feel so sorry for her. Not.
SB: I bet she had to do the dishes. And the story just changed from present to past tense.
YMG: Gawd, the Sue is thirteen? Hate to know how old the author is then.
“Do not worry... I shall not press
YMG: Your clothes with too much starch.
you for answers now. Just rest.”
JLP: Tomorrow they’ll try some torture techniques.
The elf says, adjusting the cloth on my forehead before rising from the spot where he was
YMG: Peeing.
JLP: Didn’t he stand up already?
sitting, crossing the room,
YMG: Amen.
and then leaving. I slowly close my eyes, allowing my dreams to carry me away.
JLP: Into OBLIVION.
YMG: Drifting away! I’m flying …
Quenya Phrases:
JLP: ...Why the fuck are they speaking in Quenya? Yes, it’s dandy to know both Sindarin and Quenya, but NOBODY in the Third Age spoke Quenya in regular dialogue, if at all. It was just for fancy mcfucking names!
Mani marte, telella? – What happened, little elf?
Ya naa tanya? - Who is it?
YMG: Ta mère!
Shh, telella. Lle tyava quel? – Shh, little elf. Do you feel well?
JLP: No, not while stories like this are allowed to exist.
Estel- Aragorn’s elven name. Means “hope”.
Ada- father
Kaurea: timid
JLP: Yeah, yeah, we already got that.
A/N: Next chapter will be a little longer
JLP: Joy.
YMG: And even more pretentious!
and go a bit deeper ^^
YMG: IN BED!
I promise.
JLP: We never asked.
Till then,
YMG: Play it again, Sam!
send me a review.
JLP: lyk omfg R&R pleeze!!!!!1!!!11!ONE!!!!1!!!!
While I will continue it without any reviews, they do encourage me to do it a heck of a lot faster.
JLP: Please, nobody review!