... can be read here
Sexy Beast: For the love of GOD!
Your Momma's Girl: No more, sweet Hamlet, no more!
1. Friendships can always last
SB: Suuure they can.
There was peace in Middle Earth,
YMG: And God said ...
there had been for years since the defeat of the dragon by Bilbo Baggins,
SB: Didn't Smaug just sit in the mountain all day?
Jagged Little Pill: Yep. And Bilbo didn't defeat him. A Man named
Bard did.
and even before then, all knowledge of battles, were considered to be merely legends, things that did not exist.
YMG: WAR is MURDER! WAR is MURDER!
JLP: War is peace! And Big Brother is watching you...
SB: There is no spoon!
The Shire was peaceful,
YMG: ... and apparently not part of "Middle-Earth."
SB: Well, the hobbits are very short ...
Maymortenlawson: Maybe "Middle-Earth" is an old term for air-space?
and the hobbits lived in good times,
SB: and had good orgies.
JLP: Yea, back'n the 'ol days in the Shire, just me 'n Bilbo 'n Frodo
at a keg partay. Those were good times...
taking what they needed from the land, giving what they could back, in tune with the surrounding environment as much as they could without the use of magic.
JLP: They can't use magic. *ignored*
YMG: Those damned hippies.
BTBS: Magic? Hobbits can use magic?
JLP: They can't use magic!
MMLS: Sounds like the justification for a bad Potter crossover.
JLP: BUT THEY CAN'T USE MAGIC! Listen to the little Tolkien expert
over here! Hobbits can't use magic!
YMG: What were you saying?
JLP: *DIES*
Though, the Shire was not the only place where there was peace.
YMG: How long does she think our attention spans are? There was peace
in Middle-Earth. The Shire was peaceful. The Shire was not the only place
where there was peace. How intelligent.
SB: All we are saaaaaaaaaying, is give peace a chaaaaaaaaaaance!
The Elves, who lived in the magical city of Rivendell,
YMG: It was so magical, at night it turned into a giant disco ball.
JLP: *whimper* It's not a city. It's not a castle. It's a freaking
safe-haven house! HOUSE! BIG HOUSE!
TD: And all the elves lived in a magical city on strawberry lane and
ate cupcakes filled with jell-o.
were also in a time of prosperity.
YMG: And the land was bountiful and the people frolicked henceforth.
SB: Unlike in the United States, the economy was booming.
YMG: After convincing the silly mortals to celebrate the holiday known
as "Christmas," the elves built a thriving industrial empire.
JLP: The author is convinced that everything is peaceful in Middle-earth.
Well SHE'S WRONG! Does she think that the world can stay peaceful for any
period of time? Besides, if she had read the lovely appendices, she would
have known that Sauron was mustering trouble for a long time before Bilbo
was even born!
YMG: No, no, no! That isn't an orc army, they're just practicing their
dance moves!
JLP: (as the orcs) C'mon guys! It's the Madison and then
the time step!
Though, their wise King Elrond continued to train his archers,
JLP: So. Many. Problems ...
SB: King Elrond? More like Queen ...
MMLS: I thought generals usually trained archers? Or something.
knowing that peace never lasts forever.
JLP: There. Was. No. Peace. *pause* Main. Screen. Turn on. We're.
Under attack.
YMG: All your elf are belong to us.
Though,
YMG: Who starts two sentences in a row with "though?"
SB: Who starts a sentence with "though" in the first place?
who was to say that those that he was training could not have a little fun?
JLP: LAME.
SB: What kind of fun?
YMG: Don't ask, don't tell.
SB: Aaaaaaaah.
There was no immediate threat to Rivendell, or to Middle Earth, yet.
YMG: I'm sensing a little "imminent doom" coming on.
JLP: *twitch* Soon enough, I'm going to be joining that crazy man
on the corner who preaches that the end of the world is fast approaching.
'Fo the Lawd is gwinna come and save us all!
SB: You think?
"Legolas, don't you know how to have fun anymore?" a small voice drifted through the trees, catching Legolas' ear.
YMG: (as Legolas) Ow! My ear!
JLP: T'was a teeny, tiny voice. And how can voices catch things?
MMLS: (as Legolas) Of course, Aragorn! I had lots of fun last
night!
SB: Fun ...? Sounds like a terrible pick-up line to me.
"Aliarana
JLP: Is it really that much trouble to go on the internet, look up
pretty words in Elvish, and make a name out of them? I can make some at the
top of my head: (without the accents, because I'm too lazy) Laureel, Helkamire,
and Aragaer. There. Three perfectly lovely names.
YMG: Why do all Mary Sues have a name similar to "Arianna?"
JLP: At least it isn't Nevfana.
SB: At this point, Nevfana is looking original ...
you know that as an archer I don't have time for fun," Legolas said
YMG: With all the fun King Elrond was having with the archers already,
heh.
as his graze drifted around to search for the owner of the voice.
SB: Grazed? He sounds like some sort of farm animal.
YMG: How can your graze drift?
SB: Moo!
BTBS: Baa!
JLP: Potato!
YMG: (as Legolas) Excuse me miss, but is this your voice? I
found it trying to crawl up my leg.
"I don't know why you say that, I can manage,"
YMG: Cos King Elrond only likes to have fun with the male archers.
SB: (as Aliarana) Yeah, I manage the Burger King in Mirkwood,
remember?
she said dropping down from the tree above him.
SB: And knocked him senseless, beat him with some sticks, and ran
away.
YMG: It's guerilla archery!
MMLS: *drops from a tree* Ow!
JLP: A tree is above him? What's it doing, hovering in the air?
YMG: Stalking him. It's an ent, madly in love with Legolas.
SB: ...
YMG: Seriously, there's a fanfiction like that.
ALL: *shudder*
Aliarana was Legolas' best friend in all of Rivendell,
YMG: Oh, you're my best friend!
SB: You know I'll never be lonely, you're the only one that I need
...
MMLS: Legolas has friends?
JLP: Um, why is he in Rivendell anyway? Shouldn't he be at home with
Daddy Thranduil? OR maybe Daddy Thranduil is an evil child-abuser, just like
in all the other stories!
YMG: Tear.
though she was different from most of the other elven girls.
YMG: Boo!
ALL: Fie!
For one, instead of tending to magic,
YMG: She couldn't stand cleaning the cages.
JLP: *singing* Do you believe in magic!
she was one of, if not 'the', best archers under King Elrond's rule.
SB: Not to be modest or anything.
YMG: Under King Elrond?
JLP: *twwwiiiiiiiiitcchh!*
Secondly, she did not dress as the other girls did,
YMG: They never do.
SB: She was naked.
JLP: She wore jeans and a tee-shirt that said: "OMFG! I WUV ORLI!"
for instead of wearing flowing dresses,
SB: Why are they always flowing? It's not like they're floral prints.
They're not wearing chiffon.
YMG: She wore leather corsets and pranced around with a whip.
JLP: Where there's a whip, KYAAAA, there's a way!
she wore pants and knee high boots,
SB: She's Nancy Sinatra!
YMG: She's Jareth!
JLP: Those boots are made for walking.
a plain looking tunic.
JLP: Of course, the Sue dresses plainly, but Legolas would find her
radiant even in rags.
YMG: It's the Cinderwench complex.
Only wearing these because she complained they made it easier to move around in.
YMG: She complained that ... what?
SB: Don't ask.
JLP: *cough*FRAGMENT*cough*
"You, are a slacker though Aliarana" Legolas said,
YMG: This author likes the word "though."
JLP: Or any derivation thereof. Though I thought that thoughts were
thoughtful, thoughts made me think, though.
the only intelligible thing he could seem to get out of his mouth.
SB: After they cut off his tongue for his homosexual encounters, it
was hard for Legolas to talk properly.
YMG: Everyone knows Legolas doesn't know how to say anything intelligible.
He had the same disease all men seemed to posses,
YMG: ... and he had gotten it from Aragorn.
SB: VD!
he lacked the ability to co-ordinate his brain with his mouth.
JLP: Does it have to do with the fact that she's around? *siiigh*
SB: I be am retarded ...
YMG: I want to say something nasty here, but I don't know how to phrase
it properly.
MMLS: Does it have to do with blowjobs, by any chance?
YMG: Yes, yes it does.
"Then...if I am a slacker,
SB: I scored higher than you on the PSATs!
JLP: And if SB can, ANYBODY CAN!
SB: *glares*
why is it, I'm still better than you my friend?"
SB: (as Alariana) I'm better and smarter and you're stupider
and smelly.
she grinned turning from him.
JLP: To give him a better view ...
SB: You spin me right round ...
He smirked, she had always been better, and she'd known it, though she didn't' usually rub it in like she was, she was up to something.
JLP: Uh. . .in bed?
SB: SEX! With, um. Yeah.
"Don't brag...you know where that'll lead,"
YMG: to more ... SEX!
he said to her, but his grin disappeared when she turned around.
YMG: She wasn't wearing any pants!
JLP: Lo the horror.
"I'm leaving Legolas," was what she said.
SB: I mean Las Vegas.
YMG: Remind me why we care.
JLP: Leaving Legolas? I didn't even know they were dating. . . .
YMG: Said she, what was, was said, she, what?
"Leaving...but why?"
YMG: Why Dirk, why?!
SB: Why? Why no friends in High School, no solace then, fatty, fatty,
fatty, fatty!
he asked her walking up to her, she was his best friend, she couldn't abandon him.
SB: But she did. She left him in a basket on a monastery step when
he was a baby. And stuff.
JLP: *twitch* I'm getting so bloody sick of this author. Ya know what?
I can be just as illegible: "OMG WFT ppl ur so mean to me I never dun nething
so fye orli is so hott omg I wanna date him so ttyl u loosers!"
YMG: Gah! It burns!
She looked up at him, one thing she despised was he was at least a foot taller than she was.
JLP: And she came conveniently to his waist.
SB: Just like Rainbow Brite!
JLP: Is she half-Hobbit? 'Cuz yanno what they say 'bout Hobbits. .
. .
YMG: Jeez, wait till you guys see Return of the King ...
"King Elrond has something he needs me to do,"
ALL: SEX!
she said quietly, she wasn't supposed to have
SB: Farted.
JLP: Uh. . . .
told anyone, but she couldn't' have just left and not told him.
SB: (as Mary Sue) I like just totally couldn't keep it to myself
MMMMKAYYY?
JLP: Wait, is there a reason why she's THE BEST ARCHER IN THE KINGDOM?
"But why?
JLP: Why, Allia. . .er. . .Ariallia. . .UH. . . . Whatever the hell
your name is!
I mean...sure you are the best archer, but why not send one of the others with you?"
SB: Like Zelda, from Crayola Kids: The Trojan Horse.
JLP: But then the elf would need glasses! *pout* Elves are perfect!
YMG: Speaking of Return of the King, there's a scene SCARILY similar
to one from that HORRID movie ...
he asked her grabbing onto her shoulders.
YMG: And sucking her brain out with a straw.
JLP: And then they got hot and heavy.
"You mean like you?" she asked, a bit of amusement in her voice.
JLP: . . . .
"Well...er...yes like me...King Elrond
JLP:*cough*
said himself it isn't safe for ANY girls to be traveling alone outside of Rivendell," he said to her.
JLP: Well, at least she's spelling it right.
YMG: Ewww, girls!
"And you should know more than anyone that I am not just any girl Legolas,"
JLP: No, she doesn't brag at all. . . .
YMG: ... I am a boygirl!
she stated, a bit angry now.
JLP: Oh, the wee lass be gettin a little angry now.
YMG: Well, after Botox, it's really hard to look angry.
"I know that...but you are still a girl" he said tightening his grip on her shoulders.
JLP: I believe a fangirl once answered this perfectly. He's a "male
shovinest pig."
YMG: Oi.
SB: You'd think that they'd come up with some other reason, for instance
"it's not safe," or "we can't fuck anymore if you leave."
"So glad you noticed," she muttered and pulled away from him, "I'm leaving tonight, under the cover of darkness,
JLP: Bum bum bum buuuuuum.
YMG: Not after it begins to get dark. I leave before the dark comes.
There won't be anyone around if you need help. In the night. No one will
hear you. No one lives any nearer than town. No one will come any nearer
than that. In the night. In the dark.
SB: Riiiiight...
tell no one, please don't' come and see me off, I don't know if I'll ever be able to return...ever,"
SB: NEVER EVER EVER!
MMLS: "Alas! Alas!" cried Legolas.
JLP: And then the fic ended, the end!
YMG: We can only wait, and wonder. Wonder how. Wonder when ...
she said and took off again leaving Legolas in a wondering state.
YMG: Florida?
SB: Butterfly ballots?
What was going on?
YMG: Wouldn't we all like to know ...
JLP: What's going on? Why is whats-her-name leaving? Why is it suddenly
his POV? Why am I asking these questions? Why am I MSTing this fic? Why can't
fangirls spell? Why is the sky blue? If the meaning of life was a number,
would it be "2?" Why are the curtains for Comedy of Errors actually Satan
reincarnated into linen and plastic?
to be continued ...