can be read here
SB: 1. Where's the apostrophe? 2. Ack!
MMLS: Maybe she has multiple sisters and one shadow...
YMG: Hmph! They ALL do!
JLP: "Arwen-Was-Treated-Better-Than-Me-Wah-Wah" Victim Sue.
Disclaimer: I do not own Tolkien
YMG: She just owns his SOUL!
SB: Mmmm...souls...breakfast of champions!
MMLS: That sounds dirty... REALLY dirty...
KEL: Well, it's kind of hard to own Tolkien. He was human, after all.
Unless she wants to buy his grave...
or any of his characters. I do not own Middle Earth or any of its lands.
YMG: Because Middle Earth was subsidized by the government of New
Zealand for the filming of the LotR trilogy ...
SB: (as author) Because that's prime real estate... my allowance
won't cover it...
MMLS: What is with the author and "owning"?
To put it simply...I do not own anything.
SB: The bank repossessed all of it.
JLP: What about your soul?
KEL: She traded it for the computer and Microsoft Word. Unfortunately,
the paper clip can't salvage her writing skills.
JLP: Did you sell your soul to the devil to gain the power of writing
crappy fanfiction? Hm? *hyperventilates*
YMG: She doesn't even own the clothes she is or is not wearing.
MMLS: So she didn't steal my soul? Wow...
Chapter 1
Elwen
JLP: Enter stereotypical
"Elrond's-Third-Daughter-Twice-Removed-On-Her-Mother's-Side" Sue name.
SB: That's the most unoriginal name EVAH!
MMLS: That TOTALLY doesn't sound like ELVEN... wow... *shudders*
JLP: Actually, it is an Elven name. It's a direct translation of "Star
Maiden," but that still doesn't excuse its stereotypicality. I've actually
read another "Elrond's Daughter" story with a Sue name Elwen... Hm...
YMG: WHY do you know that?
walked through the woods of Rivendale,
KEL: I think Rivendale is a town in upstate New York.
JLP: Sounds like a mall to me.
MMLS: I know a girl who lives in Farmingdale, NY... Maybe Rivendale
is near by.
SB: As I walk to the valley where I harvest my grain...
searching for her sister.
YMG: And I bet it's not Arwen.
SB: More like Milificent ...or MORTIMIR!
MMLS: Which sister? What's her name?
YMG: (as Darth Vader) Your ... sister! If you will not turn to
the dark side ... perhaps she will!
After a few minutes she found her- kissing a man passionately behind some trees.
SB: (as Elwen) She's dirty! EEEW!
KEL: COOTIES!
MMLS: (as Elwen) And then I realized that it wasn't a man...
it was LEGOLAS!
YMG: And then I realized it wasn't Legolas ... it was MADONNA!
Elwen rolled her eyes.
YMG: (as Elwen) Gawd, no matter how hard she tries, Aragorn
is SOOOOOOOOO gay!
SB: (as Elwen) NO! I think my eyes got stuck that way!
"Arwen, our father wishes to see you after you finish making out with Aragorn."
YMG: Art thou making out?
KEL: Thou art making me sick.
MMLS: (as Arwen) I'm not Arwen - I'm Legolas. Now leave us
alone!
JLP: And so they pledged their troth and made out under the light
of the pale moon.
The two turned and looked at her, embarrassed.
KEL: Her clever, almost fake Middle-English comment had caught them
off guard.
JLP: Why would they be embarrassed? I know I wouldn't be embarrassed
if I was caught making out with Aragorn!
SB: Nah, they weren't really embarrassed. They actually wanted to
get caught that way, just to make Little Sister jealous.
MMLS: MARY SUE IS A VOYEUR!!!!!!!
"Tell father I will be there in a moment" Arwen giggled, and leaned forward to kiss Aragorn again.
JLP: Arwen is still convinced that Aragorn is straight and is trying
to take her claim.
"Don't be long."
MMLS: *laughs* What shouldn't be long? The kiss? The sex?
YMG: Oh, *we* know it isn't very long ...
MMLS: Umm... actually we know the opposite... I mean we have certain
pictures... that... how's the weather again?
YMG: *shudders* Not listening ... not listening!
Elwen warned as she turned to leave. She walked back towards the city, muttering under her breath.
YMG: (as Elwen) Arwen, Arwen, Arwen!
MMLS: (as Elwen) Why does SHE always get the -straight-
good-looking ones?
Ever since Arwen had announced her plan to wed Aragorn, the two had been kissing non-stop.
KEL: I like goe-st to the mall-est.
JLP: Why would they publicize the wedding? Elrond didn't want them
to marry!
YMG: SURE that's what they were doing. This is the most PG-13 story
I have EVER read.
SB: What's with the incredibly random insertions of modern slang into
a story trying to be so pretentious?
MMLS: Wait, what about their honeymoon? Are they going to -just- be
kissing still?
JLP: But it isn't possible to kiss non-stop! What about eating and
sleeping...and breathing!
To make matters worse, her sister loved to share every juicy detail with her.
YMG: EWWW! Cooties!
MMLS: Juicy detail? Who wouldn't want to know? I mean, that's why
I want to track down Karl Urban...
YMG: So, we were kissing ... and then we kissed some more, and then
we kissed again, and we kept on kissing, and-
Frankly, it was getting quite annoying. 'Maybe she'll leave me alone after they marry' Elwen thought optimistically as she walked.
YMG: Nope, they'll be with you always. Like a bad STD.
SB: Her name is "Herpes." If she's good, she'll heal.
MMLS: She probably will... she'll spend even more time *cough*
kissing...
KEL: While one might be optimistic that she thinks, somehow I think
that another word would be better here...
All of a sudden a terrible thought flashed in her head.
YMG: A thought! AHH! What is this THING! In my MIND! Get it out! Get
it out!
KEL: And why is it flashing me in my head?
SB: It's Legolas doing a strip tease!
ALL: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
MMLS: I'm always surprised when they think. I somehow expect them
to keel over and die from it...
JLP: Eyes dart, gazes lock, shoulders retreat, and thoughts flash.
What's next?
What if Arwen went into detail about their love-making!
SB: EEEEEEEEEE (pause) EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (pause)
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEW!
YMG: *so* PG-13.
SB: Ah, "love-making" is such a funny phrase. Try "fucking" instead.
MMLS: *imagines that she's Arwen with Aragorn* Mmm... I sure
wouldn't...
JLP: The author is such a hentai! Did we really need to know that?
*looks at MMLS* Well maybe *she* needed to know, but still!
"DISCUSTING!"
YMG: Disgusting even!
SB: Icky, icky poo poo!
she exclaimed out loud, and tried to clear her mind.
KEL: With a loaded shotgun.
YMG: I wonder what everyone else would think when some random chick
screams "discusting" in the middle of the room ...
MMLS: I suggest drinking some bleach to get rid of those damn, dirty
thoughts...
"Excuse me?" a soft voice asked, sounding, quite surprised.
SB: It's the disembodied voice!
YMG: I WONDER whom IT COULD BE???
SB: (As Legolas) I thought this was the ladies' room.
MMLS: Soft, female voice... Wait, I thought he was making out with
Aragorn... I'M CONFUSED!!!!!
JLP: WHERE did he come from? *pause* And why are his features always
described as "soft" or "smooth?"
Elwen looked up in shock.
KEL: Shock Treatment!
MMLS: Everyone is in shock. Everyone is surprised. What else is new?
JLP: Everyone wants to shoot the Mary Sue?
MMLS: Everyone *always* wanted to shoot her.
JLP: Good point.
She hadn't realized anyone was -around.
SB: Your mom is so fat, that when she sits around, she really sits
around.
YMG: First time I saw that Nowhere man, that nobody... *I* know he was
somebody.
MMLS: What does she mean by "was - around?" That sounds ... interesting.
She stopped dead in her tracks as her eyes found the man.
YMG: I'm, waiting for my man. Twenty six dollars, in my hand.
SB: (as Elwen) My eyes! Where did they go? They're out rolling
around somewhere man-hunting! Must find them and pop them back in!
MMLS: I read: "she stopped dead." And I rejoiced. But I continued
reading. *sighs*
He was quite tall, with long blond hair, and smooth, lovely features.
YMG: My sized- Barbie!
MMLS: Well, he -was- wearing a pink dress...
JLP: What did I say? Always bloody smooth...
'He's the handsomest elf I've ever seen' she realized as her jaw dropped slightly.
SB: As she realized that "he" was really a "she."
MMLS: How old is she? Really... Legolas... *shudder*
YMG: And then she suddenly went blind...
ALL: YAY!
JLP: Handsomest... reminds me of longish...
He shot her an odd look and cleared his throat politely.
SB: (as Legolas) Sorry, I'm recovering from bronchitis.
KEL: Try Halls, for all your sore throat needs.
MMLS: (as Legolas) I was looking for my boyfriend... kinda studly,
rugged, Aragorn... haven't seen him around, have you?
Elwen looked down embarrassed, realizing she'd been staring at the elf quite openly.
SB: (as Elwen) Wait a second! I'm naked!
YMG: Go cover yourself up with fig leaves.
MMLS: She's never seen a gay guy in her whole entire life...
YMG: But what about Aragorn?
MMLS: Oh... never mind.
"Forgive me sir" she mumbled, staring at her feet.
YMG: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. I must confess ...
MMLS: (as Elwen) I need to get a pedicure...
"I wasn't aware of anyone's presence in these woods except my own."
SB: Bloody self-centered biatch.
YMG: I sense something. A presence I have not felt since...
MMLS: How big are the woods? How small is her mind?
JLP: What about Aragorn and Arwen? I thought they were "making out
non-stop!"
"So, you weren't talking about me when you were voicing your disgust?" he asked in a teasing voice.
YMG: Haven't we already established the fact that she didn't know
he was there?
MMLS: Legolas is teasing someone? Wow, that's so OUT OF CHARACTER!
Usually he just shouts: "Orcs! Goblins!"
JLP: And: "Aragorn!"
Elwen looked up, startled. "YOU!
MMLS: (as Legolas) Yes... I came back to haunt you...
Heaven's no, I was talking about my sister and her fiancé. He grinned slightly
JLP: Did she just say that? Has she become a first person narrator?
Am I reliving horrible middle-of-chapter POV changes again! No! It's the
beginning of the Sue-wave all over again! *faints*
YMG: COOL! They speak French in Middle-Earth!
"So you think your sister and her fiancé are disgusting?"
YMG: Yes, yes they are.
MMLS: (as Legolas) Because personally, I have a crush on
Aragorn...
Elwen stared at the handsome elf, trying to figure out what to say.
YMG: You. Me. Wine. Upstairs. 5 minutes.
MMLS: Don't forget the strawberries ... and the chocolate syrup ... AND
the whipped cream-
JLP: And the chains and whip.
She decided a change of subject was in order.
MMLS: (as Elwen) So how is the weather today?
YMG: Oh dear.
"Who are you?" she asked politely.
YMG: Your MOM.
SB: The ghost of Christmas yet to come!
KEL: Your worst nightmare.
MMLS: Barney?
JLP: Santa Claus. And why did she just ask him that *now*?
He opened his mouth to answer when Aragorn appeared behind him. "Legolas!" he cried
YMG: Again! Again! Again!
MMLS: On your knees! NOW!
happily
JLP: *singing* - happily, happily ever after!
MMLS: Oh yes! Aragorn was -very- happy...
and ran over to embrace the elf.
MMLS: Aw, shucks.
YMG: PG-13.
MMLS: I was just getting ready for the slash scene.
JLP: Just an embrace... Maybe next time.
Arwen followed and hugged him after Aragorn.
YMG: She just such a fucking puppy, I wanna kick her!
MMLS: Threesome? What?
MIC: MMLS' innocent mind is besmirched.
MMLS: I know. Was it ever innocent?
"I see you have met Elwen." Aragorn said after they had said there hellos.
SB: *sigh* I'm going upstairs. To oil my GUN!
MMLS: *as Aragorn* And, Legolas, don't you dare even think about it!
JLP: I'm not even going to get started on the grammar error.
YMG: how does one make mistakes that spell or grammar check corrects?
Legolas smiled "Actually no, we were in the middle of greetings when you appeared."
YMG: Out of nowhere.
MMLS: Greetings? So -that's- what they call it now...
Arwen smiled brightly and stepped in between the two.
YMG: Nothing comes between me and my Legolas.
MMLS: ARWEN LIKES BEING IN THE MIDDLE!!!!
JLP: O_o
"Legolas, I'd like you to meet my sister Elwen."
YMG: Thinking logically, if Arwen is who-knows-how old, and Legolas
is 2,931, wouldn't it be likely that THEY'D ALREADY MET!?!
JLP: Well, maybe Elwen is a seventeen-year-old adult elf. Or was kidnapped
by Orcs for 700 years. Or it's a plot hole.
MMLS: *as Arwen* And you better not like her more than me...
"Elwen, this is Prince Legolas of Mirkwood."
JLP: YAY! The author didn't call him "Legolas Greenleaf!" *rejoice*
MMLS: *sings* Someday my Prince will come... and he came...
YMG: With Aragorn...
Elwen tried to hide her surprise. THIS was the Prince of Mirkwood?
YMG: He looked like a Barbie doll, he did he did.
MMLS: *as Elwen* Why is he dragged up?
She had heard many stories about him from Aragorn.
YMG: OH baby, had she!
MMLS: You mean those stories that I read at
http://www.libraryofmoria.com?
JLP: If Aragorn and Arwen are snogging non-stop, then how could he
tell her about Legolas? Unless if it's kiss and tell.
"It's nice to meet you Prince" she said quietly, and stuck out her hand.
YMG: Hey! Can you sing Purple Rain for me?
SB: So he's back to prince now? The elf formerly known as the elf
formerly known as the prince of Mirkwood ...
MMLS: Now, that's a dumb way to address a Prince. It's like coming
up to Queen Elizabeth and going, "Hey old Queen! What's up?"
He took it and shook it gently. "Please call me Legolas." He said quietly.
SB: So quiet, she could barely hear him.
YMG: Tell me more, tell me more, like does he have a car?
MMLS: If he were really gallant, he would kiss it. That's how they
usually greeted ladies in Middle Earth.