can be read here
CH 3
JLP: "CH" was downgraded from "Chapter."
Elrond smiled at the group
BTBS: Of gay men.
MMLS: Not the company? Whew ...
as they entered the hall, surprised to see Legolas among them.
SB: (as Elrond) Hey, I thought he was in rehab.
JLP: (as Elrond) Hey, I thought he was with Haldir.
"Prince
BTBS: ss
Legolas! I see you made it" he purred.
JLP: Whoa ...
YMG: Is Legolas having an affair with EVERY male mentioned in this story?
"How was your journey?"
YMG: (as Legolas) Long and hard.
BTBS: Like Viggo.
Legolas smiled at the elf "It was a favorable journey.
YMG: I only lost one oxen and one axle!
I am glad to be
BTBS: female.
here."
YMG: At your service. *snickers*
JLP: Here we go again with the polite thing. Honestly, can these people NOT BE SO FUDGING POLITE? It makes them sound like morons. I bet the author says: "My friend, who is that tall brooding male over yonder? Is he the same tall brooding male who attends our educational learning facility?"
"Sit, sit" Elrond insisted,
SB: Heel! Stay! Good boy!
YMG: Here, on my lap ...
before shooting Elwen
ALL: YAY!
a disappointing look.
ALL: *disappointed look* Boo!
"I sent you away over a half hour ago" he hissed into her ear.
SB: I told you ssssssssssooooo ....
JLP: (as Elrond) What are you doing back so soon? I expected to have more time with Lego—I mean... to myself.
"What took you so long?"
YMG: (as Elwen)Well, first I had to make out with Legolas, and then I had to stroke his bow for a while, and then ...
Elwen frowned at the scolding
YMG: (as Elwen) *frowning* That is sooooooooooooooo not fair! Like, I'm a womyn!
JLP: And her face stayed that way. So she tried to have plastic surgery to get it fixed, but ended up suffering from a fatal accident involving a scalpel in her throat. The end.
"I'm sorry father" she muttered before sitting down.
YMG: Forgive her for her trespasses ...
She stared at the table,
SB: I'm sorry father! I didn't mean to smash all the dishes while having sex with Legolas on the table!
YMG: taaaayyyybbbuuuhhhhhlllll ..... OooohhhhooOOOOOooohh
listening to Arwens chatter, until the food arrived.
JLP: And then the Sue died of food poisoning. The end.
The men talked quietly amongst themselves-
YMG: Arwen's a man?
MMLS: Well, she is dating Aragorn ...
nobody really talking to Elwen.
YMG: And rightly so!
KEL: Don't encourage her!
She raised her head as she heard her name being mentioned.
KEL: Wow! She can finally recognize her own name!
JLP: She's moved on to a higher level of education. Let us celebrate by bashing her head in with the table she's so interested in.
YMG: Woo hoo!
""Elwen is going to be my maid of honor" she heard Arwen telling Legolas. "So you two will walk down the aisle together."
KEL: Hm... Foreshadowing...
JLP: Yeah... The produce aisle!
Legolas shot her
YMG: POW!
ALL: Yay!
a glance
ALL: Boo!
"I'm looking forward to it" he muttered.
KEL: What, shooting her?
JLP: Sounds like he doesn't want to go down the aisle with her at all.
YMG: Why is he so temperamental all of a sudden? Wasn't he just letting her stroke his bow?
MMLS: Maybe she didn't stroke it the right way.
SB: Hmm...
Arwen continued to jab on- talking about her colors.
KEL: To jab on ... hmmm...
YMG: Is this like Glitter, where she paints herself different colours?
JLP: *sings and uses the diva finger*
KEL: I actually saw that movie.
YMG: Mhmm.
KEL: What is she trying to convey with that sentence? I'm not kidding – I know she's trying to say that Arwen is continuing to talk, but about her colors ...
SB: Pretty colors ...
KEL: Will somebody please explain this to me!
JLP: I would, but I'm afraid that I've suffered brain damage within the past few minutes. Bai. *goes into a fetal position*
SB: Purple ... her aura is ... purple! Shiny!
KEL: *sigh*
Elwen listened until she thought she'd scream in annoyance.
YMG: OW! Listening HURTS my BRAIN!
SB: What brain?
JLP: Or she could just explode. The latter preferably.
"May I be excused, father?" she asked softly.
YMG: These people only use three adjectives: softly, politely, and shocked.
KEL: And they shoot things a lot.
JLP: And they do obscene things in the woods. Like in Deliverance.
Elrond frowned, but agreed.
SB: No! Yes ...
She said her goodnights
ALL: *singing* Goooooooodddniiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!
and walked to the gardens-
YMG: Because they wouldn't allow her to sleep in the house with the normal people.
her favorite place in Rivendale.
YMG: Riverdale?
JLP: No... Rivendale Rivendell.
SB: They have a good swim team at Riverdale.
She sat on a bench beneath a huge willow tree for over an hour
SB: ... waiting to be put in the basketball game
KEL: (as Elwen) I always get picked last!
- enjoying the peace and quiet.
YMG: All that listening is hard on an elf.
Suddenly, Elwen heard footsteps coming towards her.
YMG: I WONDER
SB: WHO
KEL: IT
BTBS: IS!
JLP: Oh. My. Dear. God. *pulls out a gun*
YMG: I wish this was a horror fic ...
SB: Yeah, time for a Scream crossover.
She hid behind a bush,
SB: What kind of bush? Bushwhacker? George Bush? Bush baby?
JLP: Oh how creative. Honestly, BEHIND A BUSH?
YMG: As opposed to the story where Legolas hid in the bushes and watched the Mary Sue ...
hoping it wasn't her father.
YMG: Because she really didn't want her father poking around in her bush.
SB: O_o
JLP: O_o
YMG: Like Lavelynne.
JLP: O_O *DIES*
Legolas walked around the bend- looking very handsome in the moonlight.
YMG: When! The! Moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's a ... *yawn*
JLP: Wait... Gah, you quoted a song that fits in. *mutters* Mentioning a bloody song that fits in with a bloody love-struck couple... BAH!
Elwen noticed he had changed into a silver outfit,
SB: A catsuit!
KEL: I'm thinking Velvet Goldmine ...
YMG: Elven prince by day, Silver Surfer by night!
JLP: ... Uh... He isn't the actress who play Gypsy Rose Lee. He doesn't need to change outfits every twenty seconds.
and had removed his weapons.
YMG: They're REMOVEABLE?!
JLP: O_o I'm undergoing serious brain trauma now... Wake me up from my coma when the story is done...
"Oh, it's just you" she said,
YMG: ‘Cos my heart belongs to Daddy!
stepping out from behind the bush. Legolas turned towards her- looking startled.
KEL: Which, of course, was not what she expected, jumping out of a bush and all ...
YMG: (as Legolas) Geez not YOU again!
"I did not realize anyone else was in these gardens" he stated
YMG: AH! It's groundhog's day! We've read this before!
KEL: Oh we HAVE read this before!
JLP: No...
YMG: It's beginning again!
KEL: It's existentialist fanfiction! You can read it again and nothing happens!
ALL: NO!!!!!!!!!!!
wide-eyed. Elwen laughed "I was just paying you back for startling me earlier" she joked.
JLP: *dead serious* Wow. That was SO funny. I can't stop laughing. Ha. And ha again. Oh my stomach.
Legolas smiled at her warmly "Well, in that case, I suppose I deserved it." "Your father is looking for you"
JLP: Wait... there seems to be some strange error in who's talking... Why would Elwen know about Thranduil (who is often represented by fanfiction authors as an evil drunken beeyotch who beats Legolas and wants Legolas to marry someone HORRIBLE) and everything?
he added, serious again.
JLP: Oh. LEGOLAS was talking. Why did she open and close the quotation marks?
Elwen frowned "I know, I thought you were him.
YMG: Whoa ... There's that Lavelynne thing again...
That's why I hid" she admitted.
JLP: (as Elwen) I didn't want my father to... BEAT ME! *sobs*
Just then her fathers voice rang through the gardens "ELWEN!" he cried.
YMG: My love! My love!
JLP: Why is he always yelling at her? Oh right, he plays favorites... He would NEVER yell at Arwen...
Elwen shot Legolas
ALL: YAY!
a panicked look
ALL: Boo!
"Stay here" she whispered, before walking around the bend towards her father
YMG: *singing* JUST AROUND THE RIVERBEND!
"There you are" Elrond hissed when he saw her "where have you been?
YMG: He hisses a lot ...
JLP: Is he half-Gollum?
"I've been here, in the gardens, father"
KEL: One would like to think that that's obvious, but...
Elwen answered softly.
JLP: *sweatdrop* Softly... AGAIN...
"Well. You were extremely rude at dinner"
YMG: (as Stella) Your face and your fingers are disgustingly greasy!
he huffed. "You'll never find a husband if you act like that."
YMG: Who is he, Yenta? He sounds like a Jewish mother!
MMLS: She didn't talk.
SB: I hate how they try to elicit pity from the reader by making Elrond a big meanie.
JLP: Just like poor Boromir and Thranduil. Poor babies...
"A husband?" Elwen asked, confused.
YMG: (as Elwen) Dude, I already told you I'm gay!
JLP: (as Elwen) You want me to get married... after all we've been through?
"Yes a husband" Elrond snapped "do you think prince Legolas will want to marry someone so rude?"
KEL: (as Elwen) Well, he wasn't too surprised when I jumped out of the bush, and now he's in the bush, so I think we're pretty compatible...
Elwen felt her jaw drop
SB: Ow ...
YMG: Oh, darn, my skull is falling apart again. Not enough calcium, in Middle-Earth. you know ...
JLP: Out of her head. The end.
"Why would I marry Prince Legolas???" she asked incredulously.
YMG: He's sooooooooooooooooooo gay!
JLP: (as Elwen) Daaaaaad! He's with Aragorn!
Elrond frowned "That's what your sister had in mind" he admitted- realizing he'd said too much.
YMG: And now she must be ... removed!
Elwen felt her anger rising.
JLP: "It was boiling inside of her. She couldn't take this anymore. It HAD to be stopped. As her anger rose, her hand clenched into a tight fist and she gritted her teeth. She was about to explode." See, I can write like a Sue author too!
"Arwen needs to mind her own business" she yelled, furious.
JLP: ‘Lo! If she's angry, they why aren't there any exclamation points?
"After the wedding I am going back to Lothlorien" she spat- trying to control her rage.
YMG: what the hell is "spat-trying?"
JLP: It sounds messy.
"Has Haldir asked you to marry him?" Elrond asked hopefully.
YMG: What the hell? Sooo random!
JLP: (as Elrond) If he hasn't, then I'm taking the next flight to Lothlòrien to apologize. Even though he's had a change of heart, I can't stop thinking about him.
"WHAT? NO! You may not believe this father, but getting married is not my number one priority" she cried.
YMG: Soo cool!
DAN: Noo way! I mean, sooo cool!
Elrond frowned- finally realizing how mad she was.
YMG: Fortunately, the Rivendale State Institution was right next door.
JLP: That way she could join Lavelynne in the Rivendell loony bin, who's spending time there for her "premonitions" and her strange attraction to her father.
"We'll talk about this later when you're not so upset" he announced, then quickly walked away.
YMG: Talk to the hand!
JLP: *sniffle* I hate in when my parents do that.