... can be read here
YMG: From the author of Prom Date.
MMLS: Oh, shit, no!
JLP: Oh my fucking--BELARALIA! BELERIAND IS A SUNKEN CONTINENT IN MIDDLE-EARTH! GOD HAVE MERCY ON MY SOUL!
Chapter One
"I just had the worst day imaginable. My car wouldn't start, I didn't get into college until ten, and my boyfriend just dumped me."
YMG: Worst, in that order.
JLP: You must have a horrible life. How about being tortured by the same person for five months, every single fucking day?
Vicky had been having problems at college recently,
YMG: After she'd found herself wrapped up in a "Wild Co-Ed Romp" scandal on campus.
and often thought about leaving.
JLP: Yes, leave. Now.
YMG: And never come BACK!
She was telling her best friend Mel how bad her day was.
JLP: Enter the caring best friend-figure.
"Dave dumped you?" Mel asked.
JLP: Boo hoo.
YMG: No, Alvin, Simon, and Theodore did.
JLP: Oo, ee, oo ah, ah.
"Yes. He said my college life was taking over our relationship and didn't want to be with someone who cared more about her career than her boyfriend. I..I...-"
YMG: Am obviously a raging feminist author.
She burst into tears
JLP: Your life is so horrible. Just end it now.
and Mel put her arm around her.
JLP: And the slashers doth cheer.
"I can't do this! I can't keep on pretending that everything's fine! I just want to curl up into a ball and go to sleep and never wake up again."
YMG: Hey, JLP, that was exactly what you said when your life was going down the wazoo.
JLP: *glares sulkily*
"You don't mean that, Vicky!" Mel shouted.
JLP: Yes you do.
YMG: (as Vicky) "I do mean it!" *tear*
JLP: (as Vicky) "I'm so depressed...I'M GONNA GO CUT MYSELF!"
"I need a holiday. I can't handle these pressures.
JLP: Are you...under pressure?
YMG: I am! *cheers*
I shouldn't have to. I want to go somewhere warm and sunny, maybe meet someone who really cares about and understands me."
YMG: Wow, all in one breath!
JLP: SHE'S SO MISUNDERSTOOD! Come to think about it, I want to exact same thing. Except she was lucky enough to HAVE a boyfriend.
YMG: Hey, I bet ORLANDO really cares and understands her ...
JLP: No, it's gonna be Legoboy this time. Save us.
"Okay, we'll go to Newquay in our gap year." Mel assured her.
JLP: Can someone tell me where in the seventh layer of hell Newquay is?
YMG: We've got swampland! Only in Newquay! Only in Newquay we've got swampland!
"No. No Newquay. I need to go somewhere far away. I need to escape. Alone. I don't belong here."
YMG: (as Mel) That's right, honey, you belong in an institution..
Vicky said. Depressed.
YMG: Repressed. Unpressed.
JLP: Sounds just like me. *pause* Am I bi-polar?
YMG: You just noticed?
"You're still upset. I'll put the kettle on."
JLP: It was tea. Earl Gray tea.
Mel started to walk into the kitchen. Then Vicky shrieked.
JLP: And keeled over.
Note: We will stop at this point, because we haven't yet gone through the rest a second time. But rest assured, this story is even more atrocious than Prom Date
tbc ...