... can be read here
SB: Whisper those sweet nothings in my ear. Tell me what I want to hear:
that I'm thin and beautiful, even if it isn't true.
JLP: (lying) This is a really good fic!
YMG: Fool me, fool me, go on and fool me!
Rating: PG-13
SB: For sex and graphic offences to the human race.
YMG: We know what's going to happen here!
SUMMARY: "Struggling to escape from painful memories of times past,
ALL: CLICHÉ #1!
JLP: She went and CUT HERSELF!
she fled reluctantly into his waiting, familiar arms
SB: (as Mary Sue) Hmmm, I've seen these arms before! Yes, it was
last night, after that party, where the wine was a-flowing!
- only to find that someone else's arms suited her better.
SB: Like a jacket from Big and Tall.
YMG: Dun dun DUN!
But the time will come when her veil is lifted,
SB: To reveal that she's MISS PIGGY!
YMG: And it turns out SHE'S A MAN!
JLP: Why does this sound like she's going to get married?
FQ: Uh, because it's blatant foreshadowing?
JLP: Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. . . .
and when it is, nothing in their lives will ever be certain again...
SB Alack, alack!
YMG: I can hear it in the wind ... I can smell it in the water ... I can see
it in your pants!
for no one knows where her heart truly lies.
SB: Beyond the Dune Sea.
YMG: In her upper thigh.
JLP: She doesn't have one. She's a cold, evil bitch. *pause* With guns!
And claws!
FQ: And tight leather chaps!
No one knows
SB: My evil plan. In my prison cell, I bide my time....
YMG: O, no one knows the troubles I've seen!
JLP: Still more misunderstood.
because she is a femme fatale
JLP: With guns and claws.
YMG: Here she comes, you better watch your step. She's going to break
your heart in two, it's true.
a bright angel,
JLP: With guns and claws.
SB: And cows with guns. Well, that would be guns and hooves.
a child-like presence
SB: The Child-Like Empress?
JLP: With guns and claws.
YMG: Aren't you over-doing it?
JLP: NEEVEEERRRRRR!!!!!!!
FQ: We repeat the point extra-clear!
... and a beautiful liar..."
YMG: And probably full of shit.
JLP: And a Mary SUUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEE!
FQ: She said she was a virgin! NOOOOOO!
SB: Those flushed cheeks, those flashing eyes, those trembling lips. You
know something, Mary Sue? You are ugly when you lie.
*~*Prologue *~*
SB: Once upon a time, the end.
YMG: Hey! It's a small fraction of the magic-scene-change-dance text *~*~*~*!
JLP: Do the Conga!
JLP and
FQ: Tra la la la la la! Tra la la la la la! Tra la la la
la la! Tra la la la la-
FQ: CONGA! Nobody got it.
JLP: I-Oh shit, I can't typses.
15 - November - 2001 : Early hours of the morning
YMG: (as scrolly type text effect) A secret military installation,
somewhere in the Nevada Desert.
FQ: David Duchovny is sooo sexy!
The girl slipped out of bed,
SB: (as Mary Sue) What? I wet the bed again?
JLP: And bumped her head, and couldn't get up in the morning! The End!
FQ: ... and into the pile of vomit left by her last lover.
careful not to wake the sleeping figure beside her.
YMG: Her fun-loving pet iguana, Shelly.
SB: No, her pet muskrat!
She bent and picked up his discarded shirt from the carpeted floor and slid it on.
YMG: Elijah's! Too sexy for his shirt! Too sexy for his shirt!
JLP: We're! Too sexy for our Acolyte robes! Too sexy for our Acolyte robes!
SB: I don't know whether I should be turned on or disgusted. There's a fine
line, you know.
She buttoned it carelessly and glanced around her in the semi-darkness.
YMG: Wow, I've seen this scene at least once in every single teen movie
or television show that has ever existed ...
JLP: Semi-darkness. As opposed to extreme darkness?
FQ: Ooh! Semi-darkness! Like darkness without the calories!
Moonlight shone in a beam
SB: Oh night with hue so black!
JLP: Strains of moonlight. . . . *reminisces*
YMG: I'm getting this mental image of a huge bean coming from the sky.
Greetings, earthlings ...
across the floor and her feet made no sound on the soft carpet as she padded
SB: This disturbingly sounds like my room.
JLP: Her lover's backside. Oh, I'm sorry, I thought that said paddled. Silly
me!
over to the source of the light.
SB: Damn fireflies...
YMG: Like the blood-sucking mosquito she was.
Gliding the latch of the French doors
SB: Why does putting the word "French" in a story supposed to make everything
sexier?
YMG: And sitting on her French bed, in her French house, with her French
toast.
JLP: And then the Little Pill started cursing in French. . .French.
YMG: How does one glide a latch?
out of place, she opened the two of them just enough so that the night breeze could dash in
SB: (as the breeze) I can run the 100-yard dash faster than you!
and cause the filmy white curtains to float around her bare legs.
SB: It sounds as if the curtains are covered in slime.
YMG: Blah, blah, blah!
She pulled his shirt around her tighter as the breeze blew across her, and she stepped out onto the balcony.
SB: And then she jumped over the edge, screaming "Llamas!" as she fell
She placed her hands on the cold rail and gazed out into the night.
YMG: This sounds like Titanic.
SB: Now all we need is a necklace.
And such a beautiful night it was too.
JLP: Such a beautiful night.
SB: Oh what a night, late December back in '63...
YMG: Look-ah, at-ah the night, it's-ah a beautiful-ah, night!
Black and enchanting.
ALL: In the black of the night, we will find her!
SB: In the black of the night, Rasputin will find her!
JLP: Ooo aaaah oooo!
YMG: Like Elvira?
Insomnia called to her and she
YMG: Called back?
FQ: Like MC Hammer?
couldn't help but answer that call.
SB: Ding dong, coroner calling!
YMG: Ding Dong! Asshole calling!
JLP: What the-?
YMG: Ow woooooohhhhhhhh!
She stared out into the night sky,
SB: Again?
YMG: Wanting desperately to return to her home planet!
JLP: To Transsexual, Transylvania?
SB: Eustacia, phone home!
the pinpricks of light that were the stars and the bright, milky moon sharply contrasted by the deep dark of the sky.
FQ: That ain't moonlight, honey, that's heroin.
SB: Ouch! Stupid stars, pricking me.
JLP: This sounds so familiar. Oh yeah: it's in just about every other badfic!
Melancholy enveloped her
SB: *cough* This sounds like a typical day on the Us Show.
FQ: Call Fed Ex!
YMG: and swallowed her whole.
as she stood there alone,
YMG: ALL ALONE. In the Night. In the Dark.
half dressed, cold and tired on that balcony.
JLP: And then the railing she was leaning on broke and she fell. The
end.
A journey behind her and now another ahead.
SB: After the journey to Hell, Virgil led her to Purgatory.
JLP: See? The journey behind her was her internal monologue on the balcony,
and the journey ahead is the approaching pavement. Splat.
Would this one be as eventful as the last? Would it affect her as much?
YMG: How many licks would it take to get to the center of a Tootsie
pop?
JLP: She'll be DEAD! MWAHAHA! *KILLS*
FQ: Such violence!
JLP: I just have a feeling that this Sue is going to be hitting closer to
home than all the others.
FQ: Translation?
JLP: Never mind.
And would she be left better or worse for it?
JLP: For better or for worse, in life or in death, AMEN.
She half-sighed, half-groaned, the result being a strangled sound emerging from the back of her throat.
YMG: Si-. Groa-.Ccccchhhaaahh! How simply marvelous.
JLP: *as Eustacia* *groans* "Spank me harder!"
SB: And then she coughed up a hairball.
She didn't want to fear what was ahead!
SB: TORCHAAAAH and death.
JLP: *snorts* She said HEAD. *giggles*
YMG: O_o.
She loved the both of them.
YMG: Both? Her and her invisible friend? Or her and her other personality?
SB: If only she were amongst friends! Or sane persons...
YMG: I've seen this concept so many times before. Girl A likes Boy A, Boy B
grows fond of her, she grows fond of Boy B, but she feels guilty about Boy A,
so she ditches Boy B, but them something else happens and Boy A leaves amicably,
and then she gets with Boy B.
She did. They were the pillars of her world and
JLP: they broke. And she died. The end.
YMG: they were also the pillars of Islam.
BTBS: ...what are the pillars of Islam?
JLP: You know, I think there's an anime that has the pillar thing...what is
this, "Magic Knight Rayearth?"
BTBS: Pillars. Pillars...hmm. Maybe they're pillars of salt.
she wouldn't have any problems in being back in the fray with the two of them. She was the problem.
YMG: NO SHIT!
She had this complex
YMG: Called OCD ...
SB: *organizing everything on her desk in a linear fashion* I was thinking
more along the lines of Oedipus....
stuck in her head that everything would become the proverbial pear shape.
YMG: "that everything would become the-" WHAT THE FUCK?
SB: So that's what the spiraling shape looks like.
FQ: I know all MY pear shapes are proverbial.
KEL: What do pears have to do with anything proverbial?
FQ: Wait: if she's a proverbial pear, then what are the guys, existential
bananas? Or maybe kiwis...
JLP: No, it's a banana. They HAVE bananas.
YMG: Oi.
In simpler words, that everything she had worked so hard to forge would fall to pieces in front of her... again.
SB: Counterfeiting money never works.
YMG: *Tear*
A pair of strong arms slid around her waist suddenly,
YMG: Er ... so maybe it's not Elijah ...
SB: Or Orlando, for that matter. scaring her half to death and making her
thoughts fly from her head
YMG: (as her thoughts) We're free! Yippeee!
JLP: She had thoughts in the first place?
guiltily. It was him. She leaned back and rested herself against his chest, putting her hands over his. Familiar. He bent his head and buried it in her long curls.
JLP: *blinks* NO! NOOOOOOOOO! SHE CAN'T HAVE CURLY HAIR! I HAVE CURLY
HAIR!
FQ: Not the curls on her head. . . .
His body warmed her cold one.
YMG: Her cold, dead, lifeless body.
The heat was comforting.
JLP: He was hot from screwing another man!
FQ: Who?
JLP: Well, we don't know if the ho is sleeping with Elijah or Orli, so the
other man is either Dom or Viggo. ... Or both.
"Why'd you get up?" he murmured huskily, yawning lazily. She could tell he had been drowning in another of his dead-to-the-world slumbers.
BTBS: Drowning? If only.... Although I must seriously ask how he could
drown in bed ...
JLP: Ooh! Just like in Nightmare on Elm Street! AH! JUST LIKE IN NIGHTMARE
ON ELM STREET!
She was sorry that she had inadvertently woken him.
JLP: No she wasn't.
SB: She would have been able to kill him much more easily if he had stayed
asleep.
"Couldn't sleep," she replied in her thick French accent,
JLP: WHAT? NOOOOOOOOOOO! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SHE CAN'T SPEAK FRENCH!
I SPEAK FRENCH! THIS SUE IS TAKING OVER MY MIND!
YMG: It's not a Mary Sue. It's a Marie-Suzanne.
looking out at the city skyline laid out before them.
JLP: Oh, so the city just randomly appeared so she would have a view?
God, talk about self centered. *to Eustacia* You aren't the center of the universe,
you know!
The little world that they retreated into
JLP: imploded. And they suffered a horrible, painful death. The end.
when they entered this house seemed a million miles away from the hustle and bustle of the streets and cars and stores that filled the urban jungle below them.
SB: Here, have a comma.
YMG: (as Strong Bad) Well, the hustle and bustle ...
JLP: We're gonna see lions... (DOO DOO DOO DOO DOOO!)
"Insomnia again," he murmured more to himself than to her. The man
JLP: Well, we know it's not Elijah.
SB: Insomnia is being mentioned as if it were an old boyfriend.
raised his head and followed her gaze
BTBS: Because her gaze is actually a solid line that goes from her eyes
to wherever she's looking.
JLP: And then she took a step forward, and the large, pointy line that was
her gaze GOUGED OUT HER EYEBALLS! The end.
out into the beauty of the night with bleary eyes. Uninterested with the sight that he had been seeing most nights for a long, long time, he looked back at the sight that he had been seeing for a long time as well, but never tired of.
JLP: Clichéd much?
"It's cold, come back inside," he coerced her softly, tugging on her waist.
JLP: Which he ripped out. And there was blood. *smiles*
She frowned irritably. She wanted to stay out here and think; she needed it. She needed the peace and the solace just for a while before she was completely enclosed by the mayhem and the action, the fear and the panic.
JLP: This sounds just like a pretentious French poem.
SB: Aren't ALL French poems pretentious?
JLP: True that...
She fidgeted in his arms and heard his deep exhalation of breath. He knew her too well.
JLP: He KNEW her all right... *wiggles her eyebrows*
YMG: Oi.
"You want to stay out here for a while?" he asked softly, tightening his arms around her waist possessively.
JLP and
BTBS: Mine! Mine! Mine! Mine!
She nodded silently.
SB: Because most people make noise when they nod.
He understood. He loosened his grip around her waist and kissed her neck. He stepped away from her. Gone. She almost cried out at the loss of his heat, of him.
YMG: Alack!
JLP: Tear. Someone end the agony. By killing her. And leaving her carcass
in the desert to be pecked at by vultures. A lot. And kicking her. A lot. And
hurting her. A lot. With guns and claws.
YMG: Are you trying to be William Shatner?
JLP: Maybe. I am. Maybe. Not.
The place where his searing lips had met her skin throbbed.
JLP: Like his-
MMLS: No! No more of that!
JLP: *pouts*
YMG: Buh-boom, buh-boom, buh-boom! (as her mother) Sue, I told
you not to drink so much coffee before bedtime!
She pulled her arms around her to try and replace his warmth, but she knew nothing could. Loneliness created a gaping hollow within her.
YMG: She needs some more death with that angst.
SB: Let's shoot some hoops through that hole!
JLP: And she jumped off of the balcony and died.
An empty gust of wind washed over her and she shivered uncontrollably. As goose bumps formed on her tan skin,
JLP: WHAT? SHE HAS TAN SKIN? NOOOOOOOOOOO! I HAVE TAN SKIN! I DON'T EVEN
HAVE AN IDENTITY ANYMORE!
BTBS: Yes you do, you're me!
JLP: Oh yeah...
YMG: An empty gust of wind? What's a full gust of wind? How does wind
wash things? Uncontrollably means for a period of time.
a presence invaded her senses.
SB: Obi-Wan is here. I have felt his presence. He had returned.
He slipped by her and sat on the bench at the other end of the balcony
JLP: and the weight of his body and the small bench broke the wood, then
broke the balcony, and they both plummeted to their deaths.
with a warm, soft blanket wrapped around his shoulders. He opened his arms wide and beckoned to her.
JLP: *wheeze* Come back to me! Come back to meeeeee!
GGG, JLP, SB, & BTBS: It's...hooked...on...Pho...nics...with...me... Treeeebeard...
She couldn't stop the inevitable smile from gracing her lips
JLP: (as the smile) I grace your horrible, chapped, yucky lips
with my inevitable presence. *smiles smugly*
as she tiptoed across the freezing concrete to him.
SB: (as Eustacia) Look at me! I'm a balleriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiina!
YMG: Just like Legolas ...
She reached him and instantly he pulled her down into his arms and wrapped the thick blanket around both of them. She nestled herself in the warmth of him with content.
JLP: He sounds like a giant stuffed animal.
"I can't sleep if you can't sleep," he whispered to her, his hot breath tickling her.
JLP: Hot breath...is this going to become some lame-ass attempt at being
lemony?
She laughed with a choked sob and buried her head in his chest. They both sat there for an eternity.
SB: And they got old and died, having never reproduced. Praise God.
No sound except their own breathing. Just looking out into the night. Him buried in his thoughts, her buried in her thoughts.
YMG: Buried in her ... thoughts ...
JLP: *points to BTBS* Her me. Her a lot like me. Her dance good.
Him letting her cry. She revelled in the silence of the moment.
SB: R-E-V-E-L-E-D. You are officially an idiot if you can't even use
the spell check.
Yet, she couldn't help but feeling desperately alone even while surrounded by him. "We'll be okay," he murmured huskily, holding her tighter. And then suddenly she didn't feel so alone, she didn't feel so hopeless, she didn't feel so desolate.
SB: But she felt hungry.
JLP: *puts away a pistol* I guess I won't be needing this... *takes out
GUNS! And CLAWS!*
Because she had him. This man.
JLP: See? She's William Shatner! Not me!
YMG: Maybe you're both William Shatner!
This man who loved her and knew her. And, as she was comforted by him, as she silently felt she couldn't do without him, as she knew that there wasn't another man save for one that she loved like she loved him,
SB: The SLUT!
JLP: Uh, that makes no sense. It's like: "Yeah, baby, there's nobody but
you, except for that hot chick I love just as much as I love you."
she thought of that other man... and of this man with her... and she lost herself in thoughts of another time...
YMG: So different, that the life she'd lived in England seemed like somebody
else's...
JLP: Oh God... I think this girl has seen too many "angsty" teen movies...
YMG: Or too many romantic comedies...
JLP: Hey! I LIKE romantic comedies!