... can be read here
Author: Missy (blacklight201@aol.com) Summary: A different ending to the trilogy. (The one that happens in my nightmares once in a while...)
SB: What kind of sick childhood did you have?
YMG: I thought her name was "Dreya - Lady Drea"
SB: I guess she has multiple personalities ...
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these guys, blah blah blah you know...right? Rating: R
YMG: I thought this was rated G?
Warnings: implied Frodo/Gollum, implied Sam/Other, rape(non-explicit) Author's Notes: This is sort of an answer to the Gollum/ANYBODY challenge....Its very dark and morbid though, so be warned.
SB: We should have listened ...
___________________________*~*________________________________
YMG: What's that supposed to be? The Bridge over Troubled Waters?
Frodo awoke to pain.
YMG: O, the pain!
SB: I am a physical therapist. I specialize in the art of pain.
Deep needles stabbing into his wrists
YMG: Is this a Trainspotting crossover?
SB: He must be suicidal.
ABBA: What's a deep needle, anyway?
and ankles...
YMG: Gay boys in bondage!
He noticed a heavy pressure around his neck,
YMG: The Nancing Pony!
and remembered Sam saying something about
YMG: Harder, Harder!
SB: O, Sam, Beat me again!
Gollum strangling them in their sleep.
YMG: Then ... aren't they dead?
SB: They say when you die in your sleep, you feel no pain.
YMG: Damn. I guess theyÕre still alive.
Could Sam have been wrong?
SB: Yes!
YMG: Could Old Yeller have lived?
When he tried to move the rough ropes
SB: They're teambuilding!
chafed painfully against him, and he knew what the source of his pain must be;
YMG: A Urinary tract infection.
SB: Has anyone seen any vagisil?
extremely bad ropeburn.
YMG: Say uncle!
He heard deep,
SB: Throat!
YMG: Thunder, rolling 'round their shores.
rumbling voices talking in gibberish.
SB: Paul's a dead man!
YMG: Histay torysay siay rapcray ...
It was pitch black
YMG: Like the movie?
SB: No, it was *raven* black.
(was it still night?)
YMG: If I can just get through this night ...
SB: It was the lark! Not the nightingale! Or maybe it's the other way
around ...
so he could only see dark outlines of giants
YMG: Giants' stadium?
SB: The New York Giants?
all around him.
YMG: I feel it in my fingers, I feel it in my toes ...
Their limbs were thick and
YMG: Hard!
SB: Amputated.
horns stuck out of their head and backs.
SB: Practical.
YMG: They must be Jewish. O, teh UN PC ...
SB: I think that was a mistranslation of "light."
YMG: No shit ...
Orcs.
YMG: n. token rapists of Middle Earth. See: Orcs, raped by.
SB: Ewww, it's the Dorks!
YMG: In all honesty, in LOTR or any of the corresponding books, has
any character ever been raped by an orc?
He immediately looked for Sam
YMG: For a threesome.
and found a dark lump
SB: Somebody forgot to have a mammogram ...
not far away from him.
SB: Cover up that bulge!
As dark as it was, Frodo could tell his friends eyes were open and staring at
YMG: His ass.
him.
YMG: He had glow in the dark contacts.
"Sam" he whispered, trying to be heard above the Orcs talking.
YMG: He whispered, trying to be heard above???
SB: SAM! ROCKY!
YMG: (as an Orc) So, I sayz, what kind of Dark Lord hasn't ever
seen Star Wars, and heeeee says ...
"Sam!" Sam
YMG: Did Sam just call Sam? There was a line break.
blinked slowly in response but would not speak.
YMG: The Abbe had is tongue cut out.
"Are you alright??
YMG: It's alright now ...
SB: No! she was very badly raped, you see?
YMG: Yes, they're victims of the modern age!
Did they do anything to you??"
YMG: Nothing I didn't like ...
SB: They did the Macarena!
He waited a few moments,
Both: *crickets*
but Sam just let his eyes drift closed.
YMG: Drifting away ... I'm flying ...
SB: *makes obscene moans*
"SAM!" he called, forgetting for a moment to be quiet.
YMG: I thought he wanted to be heard?
SB: STEEEEELLLAAA!
"SHUT UP MAGGOT!"
YMG: Said Janet Weiss' father ...
SB: Thank gawd I'm a man!
Snarled what looked to be the largest Orc of the pack,
YMG: Vroom!
SB: Is she really going out with him?
kicking him a few times in the back.
YMG: Just like Alex and Ria ...
A cry of pain was ripped from Frodo,
YMG: No, give it back! He just bought that on sale at Zellers!
and he curled himself into a little protective ball.
YMG: The cry of pain curled himself into a ball?
SB: I hate being attacked by dolls!
"No!!!!" Cried a voice.
YMG: With four exclaimations.
SB: Nobody lays a finger on my Butterfinger!
YMG: Silly Frodo, S&M is for orcs!
Its high, raspy and rough.
YMG: Roger Taylor?
Gollum broke through the circle of
SB: Life!
YMG: Friends ...
SB: Trust ...
YMG: POWAH!
Orcs and threw himself upon Frodo.
YMG: hardersssssssssssss percioussssssssssss!
"No!! Don't hurt kind Master!
YMG: Take me, take me!
SB: Wow. This author is quite generous with her exclaimation points.
No don't hurtssss him preciouss...
YMG: But the precious isn't hurting him, the orcs are ...
he unties us, don't hurtssss him gave precious back he did yess.."
SB: Gollum at the wrap party.
Frodo frowned at this, a quick panic growing in his chest.
SB: Until it grew and grew and popped out like an ALIEN!
YMG: And then the egg hatched, and a million baby spiders came out ...
"I never gave you the Ring Gollum.
YMG: Is that some sort of kinky sex toy?
SB: COMMA!
I never even let you so much as touch ..."
YMG: TOUCHA TOUCHA TOUCHA TOUCH ME!
SB: (In raspy, seductive voice) Oh, *I* touched it ...
Gollums eyes lit up in the dark
YMG: Rainbow Brite, see the shining light!
he wriggled his long bony fingers.
YMG: Suggestively.
SB: His monkey bones ...
"Ah, but you did Master.
SB: You did me ...
Give to me for safe keeping you did, yesssss.
YMG: Hence not at school. I saw your mother on the way to
work, yes? She gave me the key ...
You said 'Good Smeagol, niccce Smeagol? You keep preciouss for nice masterrr yesss.'"
YMG: Precious ... sex!
The Panic in Frodo's chest
SB: I love how that's capitalized. Like a band or something.
YMG: It sounds like a new fragrance: Hobo Chic.
turned into a heavy weight
YMG: Mike Tyson?
that few and grew
YMG: Few and grew?
till it crushed the breath
YMG: The one breath to rule them all!
and all remaining hope he had left.
YMG: See yaz. Bounce!
He had lost the Ring ...Gollum,
YMG: This story ... sucks. Mr. Checkov.
SB: Before you die in Middle Earth, you see the ...
who was suppossed to be their guide in this godforsaken land,
SB: Vergil?
YMG: This land was made for you and me!
SB: *sings* You can't say "nuclear," that really scares me ...
turned the Ring over to the Dark Lord.... What was to happen with them now?
YMG: Sex! X! X! X!
Was there a point in wondering?
YMG: No! Just kill yourself and get it over with.
SB: And here's a horoscope for you:
They were all going to die soon at the Dark Lords hands anyway. "But hurt the other hobbit, mean naassssty cruel hobbit he is." Gollum
YMG: (as Gollum) He stole my boyfriend! And my bag o' potato
chips!
looked scornfully over at Sam. "Eh, we al'eady had our fun wid dat one dere."
YMG: Said Derek to Arod.
One Orc said, chuckling.
YMG: What is the sound of one orc chuckling?
He scratched his privates and pulled at his belt.
YMG: ...
SB: My only comment for that is Oi.
"Been bleedin a lot he has.
YMG: My first day as a woman ... already that time of the month ...
Be dead in n'hour or so I thinks."
YMG: Pity da fool.
He then looked over at Frodo. "Th'nk w'could
YMG: buy a vowel?
ABBA: I think it must be from the bleeding; they're having problems with
their vowels ...
SB: WHAT KIND OF DIALECT IS THAT??
have a go at dis one a'fore we kills him?"
YMG: FORE!
SB: The author must have taken a long time to write this section.
YMG: Almost as long as we've been trying to translate it ...
"Do what ever ya wants."
SB: Whatever Lola wants.
YMG: Whatever The Ring wants.
The biggest one said. "Don't mean nuttin ta me."
YMG: Just go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now ...
SB: Nuttin? Like Peanuttin?
ABBA: And the little one ran all the way home ...
"Noooo!!" Gollum shrieked again, almost as if in pain.
SB: Almost in pain? So now we're not in pain, just almost maybe sort
of?
"Please don't! Nice master."
YMG: Please please me.
SB: Starring Gollum as Barbara Eden.
He started caressing Frodo's face with his slim hands.
SB: Is this supposed to be sexy?
YMG: Nope. Sssssssssssexy.
"Good, kind, masster.."
SB: I'm so turned on.
YMG: Ssh, you're ruining the Oscar shot.
He lowered his head and licked at Frodo's lips,
YMG: Hoping to turn into a prince.
SB: I can still taste the mustard!
gently kissing him.
Both: *speechless*
SB: I suddenly feel really dirty.
KEL: *speechless* *horrified* *unable to breathe*
YMG: You chose the story!
His tongue slipped in Frodo's mouth and the taste was bitter and oily, his breath smelling of fish.
YMG: Frodo's??
SB: *retches*
YMG: *laughs at you*
KEL: *has already passed out with disgust*
YMG: Some poor bitch wrote this story ...
Frodo tried to squirm away but was too weak from hunger and exhaustion and depression to protest.
YMG: I read that as DESPERATION.
SB: It was a mercy fuck!
YMG: He had a certain, golden charm, but no ...
Gollum hid his misshapen head against Frodo's neck,
SB: Frodo has a penchant for shrunken heads.
YMG: Vamp!Gollum.
arms around him protectively, muttering, "Don't hurt don't hurt don't hurt."
YMG: Gollum should call the domestic abuse hotline.
SB: Quick! What's the number for 911?
"Eh fine!! The biggest Orc finally said dissmissively.
YMG: Is it just me or is it "the biggest" orc speaking every single
line? Is he the Last Orc?
SB: This author can't spellll! "
YMG: Dissed.
Leave 'im out in da cold ta freeze fer all I care!!
YMG: Yes, Derek Jeter!!
You were the one who led us ta'im.
YMG: What language is this?
SB: Retard.
We al'eady got wha we needs from'im, but we needs to get
SB: Hookd on fonix.
tha Ring back ta tha Master a'fore he has all our 'eads."
YMG: No!!!!!1!!1!!!!11!!!!#@!@!!! Not the eads!
ABBA: The 'eads of March?
SB: (as Cinna) Fangirls will die!
Gollum sighed in pleasure and contentment,
SB: This is so disgusting! All I can think of is scaly blue flesh!
YMG: ... Elijah's?
kissing him again
YMG: Him who?
then trailing a wandering hand down Frodo's limp body.
YMG: *cracks up*
SB: Date rape!
Frodo was turned onto his stomach, his pants slid down.
YMG: Mommy, wow! I'm a big kid now!
SB: I have no words ...
YMG: Hey, you're the one who wanted to MST this story.
SB: O, do I regret it!
TOLKIEN: *rolls in grave* what have I done ...
He saw beside him Sam flinch
YMG: as opposed to over there Sam?
as a knife was drove into his back,
SB: Backstabber!
YMG: (as Frodo) O, Gollum we're alone at last!
making a low gurgling sound crawl from deep inside of his loyal friend's throat.
YMG: All I read was "deep inside ... throat."
SB: All we hear is radio ga ga ...
What happened after that, Frodo didn't know and didn't care.
YMG: It was too good to remember.
All hope was lost. The ring taken, Sam was dead, Middle Earth had no chance.
YMG: GAME OVER, MAN! GAME OVER!
The Dark Lord had won.
YMG: The Game of Life?
SB: Do not pass Go! Do NOT collect $200!
Frodo gave up and closed his eyes,
YMG: Your prison bitch is never leaving you!
the weight on his heart and inside his soul to much to bear any longer.
YMG: At least it's not bare ...
It pulled him down in the depth of darkness and despair, and he knew no more.
YMG: No more sweet Hamlet, no more!
~FIN~