... can be read here
Remember:
: Galadriel
~~~ : Flashback
~*~*~*~ : Dream
" : Talking
' : Thinking
() : Sound effects
Remember:
@ :YMG
# : MMLS
& : KEL
!1! : SB
% : FQ
+=+ : BTBS
^_^: The Nancer Formally Known As JLP
Chapter 1
Pain.
YMG: We concur!
JLP: Pain hurts!
MMLS: So does death.
There had been terrible pain.
SB: As opposed to 'painful pain' or 'pleasurable pain.'
KEL: It's good to be specific.
That's all she remembered.
SB: Because she'd donated the other half of her brain to science.
KEL: Sounds primitive.
JLP: Ooh. An amnesiac. Me likes!
YMG: (as Igor) It was ... Abby ... Abby something ... Abby Normal?
That, and the fact that her guardian blamed everything on her.
ALL: WTF?
SB: Her blind guardian?
JLP: ... clichˇ much?
YMG: (as narrator) Her evil stepmother always made her take out the garbage every night, and it was smelly and nasty, and ...
Her thoughts crossed to the elf she'd seen yesterday.
SB: Okay. Right now I see an intersection on a dirt road, and little thoughts wearing pink booties running over to a Christmas elf.
YMG: And faded to black...
Almost every she-elf wanted him, yet he seemed to be
YMG: Gay.
watching her and her alone. Haldir.
KEL: I think there's a missing conjunction somewhere...
SB+
YMG: It's a HALDIR fic?
JLP: *growls* Can we please not use she-elf? It was one stupid little line in the movie! After "GIVE US THE HALFLING, SHE-ELF!" we've got "The she-elf was walking down the hall" and "She was a very pretty she-elf" and "Almost every she-elf wanted him..." Gr. Movie kill book. JLP Angry. JLP KILL SUE AUTHOR!
Yes, that was his name. Haldir.
YMG: Well, that would be assumed ...
It was a smooth name for March warden of Lorien.
SB: Haldir...
KEL: WTF? Smooth name?
YMG: articles, fanfic authors! You must use articles!
By why even try?
SB: Why, WHY no friends in high school?
YMG: No solace then, fatty, fatty, fatty, fatty!
KEL: Yes, why? Why try? Even, why write? End it here.
He probably wanted just as much as he wanted an orc.
SB: For sex?
YMG: Sexay.
KEL: He wanted what? It seems as if this girl has crawled out of a hole somewhere and...yeah.
She opened the door of her and her guardians' talon as quietly as possible,
YMG: I thought she had a singular guardian?
KEL: They live together in a claw, apparently.
JLP: GUNS AND CLAWS!
but mentally ripped the door to shreds
YMG: Mentally ripped apart a talon? With what ... a talon?
KEL: That would take talons. I would know. I often rip doors to shreds when they creak.
when it made a loud creak.
YMG: Creeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaak!
She almost tip-toed in,
YMG: Almost tip-toed? How?
but didn't get far as a hand covered her mouth and she was thrown against the wall.
KEL: PIRATES!
SB: ARGGHHH!
YMG: (as Maleficent) Well - this is a pleasant surprise. I set my trap for a peasant and LO! - I catch a prince!
"Where in Middle Earth did you go?!" Thiarwen, her guardian asked.
SB: Where in Middle Earth is Carmen Sandiego?
YMG: Well she sneaks around the world, to Gondor and through The Shire, she's a sticky fingered filcher from Rohan down to the seas.
"Im gerni-er olor, a-anglenne ni penni-ni Tiren. (I had a dream, and went to speak to Tiren.)" She answered loudly, not wanting to speak the common tongue.
YMG: WHY THE FUCK DO WE CARE? Are we supposed to be impressed by her elven-to-english dictionary skills?
KEL: It's sad that they exist.
JLP: Hey!
"Sedho, antolle ulua sulrim Fiorwen. (Quiet, much wind pours from you mouth Fiorwen.)"
YMG: Much wind pours from YOUR MOM'S mouth.
Thiarwen backhanded the elf while hushing it.
KEL: (as announcer) Elves playing tennis.
YMG: (as tennis players) Uh! *thwack* Ah! *thwack* Uhm! *thwack* Ah!
"I was told to protect you since someday you shall inherit the throne of Rivendell and the throne of Lothlorien.
KEL: Ergo, I backhand you.
YMG: As a princess should be protected, surely. Meanwhile, in order to inherit the throne(s??) to Rivendell and Lotholorien, wouldn't she be ... oh, god no ... related to ... Elrond?
JLP: *pauses* *shakes* *implodes*
YMG: and this story sucks.
Now, we don't want anyone to take advantage of you, do we?"
YMG: (as Guardian) Except for me, because I am the mean-evil authority figure!
"Lau. (No)" Fiorwen answered
.
YMG: Well, just call me Noren from now on.
"Your uncle and grandparents wouldn't be very pleased with you if you failed them would he?"
YMG: Noooooooooooooo! It can't be!! Elrond didn't have any siblings ... and neither did whatshername, the wife.
JLP: ______
YMG: Wait - she doesn't have any parents? She must have been a marionette at one time, and someone took pity on her.
KEL: Or she spontaneously generated. Like scientists used to think mold did.
SB: Makes sense.
"I've never met my uncle before." Fiorwen said, her eyes downcast. "And my grandparents had you foster me."
KEL: Nobody wants her. I can't imagine why. She seems so...
JLP: Special?
YMG: (as Fiorwen) Uncle Fester is weird. Nobody likes him. That's why they won't let him out of the attic.
"That's right and you wouldn't want to make angry would you?"
JLP: Make angry? WTF, mate!
YMG: (as Audrey) No ... Doctuh!
"Lau. (no)
"
KEL: According to her legend, parentheses indicate sound effects. So, during their conversation there are somehow translation sound effects.
YMG: *falls on the floor laughing*
"Maer, (good) now go take a bath, nostach be Orch gaer. (You smell like an orc.)"
YMG: And he would know. Because he was one.
KEL: He was the orc that Haldir wanted more than her.
MMLS: (as Thiarwen) Did you forget to put on your Secret deodorant today?
YMG: Old spice.
Thiarwen commanded.
YMG: Whoopah!
Though it was not said, Fiorwen could almost hear her callous guardian saying,
YMG: Those damned voices. Damn, schizophrenia!
"Llie n'vanima ar amin feuya ten' lle.
YMG: Get down on your knees, bitch.
(You're ugly and you disgust me.)"
KEL: Well, she disgusts us. And the sound effects.
YMG: (as the whispering wind) Yooooouuuu diisssguuususttttt meeeeeeeee!
Fiorwen knew very well that she did not smell like an orc
YMG: Uh huh.
and she knew that she had done nothing wrong.
YMG: Of course not!
She could already feel the bruised skin on her face turning a darker color.
YMG: Green. With spots.
Tears slowly began to well up in the corners of her eyes.
YMG: Muppet babies, they la lal ala ala!
Fiorwen turned on her heels and crept silently into the armory part of their talon,
KEL: Still with the claw.
YMG: Is this like the old lady who lived in a shoe? With an armory?
looking for Thiarwen's most prized elven dagger. She unsheathed it touching it softly with her perfected fingertips.
YMG: OMFG!
JLP: SHE'S GOING TO CUT HERSELF!!!
JLP+
YMG: *roflol*
Fiorwen let her hands fall to her sides as she stalked out of the "hell home"
YMG: is that a play on "hell hole?" or just a typo?
KEL: Well, it is a talon. What does she want from it.
YMG: Does her house kill small rodents?
and walked down the many stairs towards the northern border.
YMG: Of her house? Oh, she's outside now.
There, three elves always watched over the northern border of Lothlorien and their names were Haldir, Rumil and Orophin.
YMG: Over the river and through the woods, to my sexy bitch's house I will go!
'They won't care,' Fiorwen thought to herself. 'The Valar knows they won't care.
YMG: O, cruel fate!'
Fiorwen walked into a small clearing
YMG: TM the Mirkwood Mary Sue Resort.
where she thought that none of the guards would find her and lifted the dagger to her neck.
KEL: Well, this could end up being a much shorter and pleasanter fic than we expected.
YMG: Nah, Haldir will save her.
From the watch above, Rumil watched as the elf maiden had come into the little clearing,
YMG: Peeping toms?
JLP: Bombadills?
with a beautiful elven dagger in her hand.
YMG: (as Rumil) Oh man, that's a hot dagger.
SB: (as Orophin) Yeah, I wish I had a dagger that hard and long.
Curious to see what her intentions were, Rumil called his brothers to him to watch.
KEL: (as Rumil) Hey, look, a crazed harpy who lives in a talon has a dagger! Lets watch!
"What do you think she's doing?" Rumil asked in a hushed whisper.
YMG: Uh, committing suicide?
"Maybe she's going hunting." Orophin joked.
YMG: Elves are supposed to be smart?
They all fell silent as she lifted the dagger to her neck.
YMG: Didn't she do that already?
"No," Haldir said quietly. "She's trying to leave this world."
"Well aren't you Mr. Know-It-All tonight." Rumil retorted.
KEL: Because there are so many reasons to put a dagger to your neck.
YMG: Wait - that's an actual line in the fic? Wow.
SB: Yeah.
YMG: What eloquent elven speech. "Mr. Know-it-all."
"No Rumil, he's right, look." Orophin said.
YMG: I thought they were looking?
The maiden was preparing to slit her own throat.
ALL: Yay!
"One of us needs to go down there and stop her." Orophin stated.
YMG: (as Rumil) But first we must form a committee and discuss the pros and cons of leaving the tree while on duty.
MMLS: I'm not even reading this and I think it's terrible!
"Well, I volunteer Haldir, since he was the know-it-all that found out what she was doing."
YMG: WHY DO THEY TALK LIKE 12 YEAR OLDS????
Haldir rolled his eyes.
YMG: (as Haldir) Lyk OMG!1!!!!!! SOOOO noT faiirrr! U'R Soooo mean 3 meee!
"Why do you even bother telling me when you know I'll do it without you?"
"It makes me feel like I'm the boss." Rumil answered, smiling widely.
YMG: Now down on your knees!
"Not get your butt down there."
YMG: ... as I said.
KEL: (as Rumil) Let's make a bunch of stupid frat-boy type jokes and get there just a moment too late. Then we can say "Oops, we just didn't get there in time. Looks like the stupid witch is dead."
JLP: One, this bitch is massacring the elves! And two, the Sue should have killed herself by now.
Fiorwen prepared herself for the pain that was about to come after the dagger would slit her skin open.
KEL: This is certainly taking her a while.
YMG: Apparently she needed to form a committee as well.
Just when she was about to cut her own throat a voice startled her.
YMG: (as Obi Wan) Let go, Luke!
SB: (as Dr. Lecter) Hello, Clarice ...
YMG: (as HAL) Hello, Dave.
"I would not go through with that just yet."
Fiorwen turned on her heels
YMG: And tripped, slicing her head off.
to see non other than Haldir, march warden of Lorien standing behind her.
YMG: A dream is a wish your heart makes, when you're fast asleep ...
She gasped and began to run into the forest as fast as possible.
"Wait!" Haldir called. "You cannot go out there, it's dangerous!"
YMG: The forest of DOOOM!
But she didn't hear him.
'Great,' Haldir thought. 'Now I have to go and make sure she isn't hurt.'
YMG: Why? Why not just pretend you never saw the wench?
He grabbed his bow and quiver and began to run into the woods after her.
KEL: Something tells me that she'll know, magically, how to shoot said bow and arrow.
YMG: How can he grab his bow while running? Oh. That bow.
to be continued ...