The Greatest Adventure of All - Part One

... can be read here

**disclaimer : I do not own any of these characters, they all belong to J.R.R Tolkien. Only the girl elf, Jairah, belongs to me.

SB: Hmmm...that sounds like a man's name from the Bible. Hey BTBS! Get over here!

Also, I have modified some of the happenings in the story (IE Gandalf falling in Moira) to my own specifications. Also I dislike chapters and so therefore I will be updating the whole story everytime I update. Thanks! **

SB: So basically, she changed the whole story.
YMG: By the way, this story has 15 chapters. And one of them's called "small confusing interlude."
SB: Just, ya know, so you're prepared for the quality of this story. Yep.
MMLS: Moira? EVERYTIME? I don't think I can stand this. *shudders*

Long ago, Legolas' mother had told him this:

SB: You suck.
MMLS: Go AWAY!

"my dear son. your heart craves adventure and battle, and someday you will have it."

YMG: In the form of a sexy rugged ranger man!
MMLS: He stole my man Aragorn!! *prepares to go and beat the crap out of Legolas*
SB: Have it, or have *them* ... ?

Legolas had been younger then,

YMG: Because obviously the "long ago" didn't properly illustrate this.

and so his response was, "When, Mother?"

YMG: When I'm 64 ...

"I do not know exactly when, only that you will have it.

MMLS: But he wants it all, and he wants it NOW!
SB: DON'T SAY THE WORD!
YMG: How can we not say it if we don't know what it is?
SB: NOOOOO! IT BURNSES ME!

But be wary, my son, because adventure and battle abhor your chances for love,

SB: MALAPROPISM ALERT.
SB & YMG: *cackle*
YMG: Abhor = "to regard with extreme repugnance"
SB: (as adventure) I hate your chances for love! Argh!
MMLS: *hopeful* Does that mean he will NOT screw Aragorn? YES!
SB: You are a sad, sad child.
MMLS: Says the girl dressed up as Alex de Large.
SB: *whaps with cane*
YMG: Viddy well, O My Brothers ...

which is what i wish for you to have more than any battle.

SB: One would hope so!

Love is the greatest adventure of them all."

YMG: *snooze*
SB: Ah, my heart. It is beating. Hard.

Not long after that, she had gone over the sea to Valinor, the undying land of bliss for all elves.

YMG: Not long after long ago ...
SB: Undying land of bliss for all elves? Sounds like a wild orgy.
MMLS: But would you really want to be there with all the Legolases? Although come to think about Haldir and Elrond...

Legolas had listened to her, but had never really stopped looking for the adventure that was almost promised him.

YMG: How can something be almost promised?

Now he was on what was probably the most dangerous adventure of his life, protecting the Ring, to the place where they would destroy it.

SB: Commas ...

They'd just passed through the Misty Mountains, and had stopped to rest from the journey through the perilous rocks. Aragorn and Boromir had suggested a quick sweep of the area,

MMLS: (as the narrator) So they left the camp and went into the neighbouring forest. All alone.

and Legolas, Gimli, and the two Men were securing a perimeter for a camp when Gimli cried out.

YMG: (as Gimli) I'm coming!
SB: No, no, no! Aragorn and Boromir are the ones coming ... I mean "securing a perimeter for a camp."
YMG: *cough*

"Aragorn! Legolas!" he yelled, for he knew not which of the two were within hearing distance.

YMG: Why does everyone hate Boromir?
MMLS: I thought Boromir and Aragorn were together. Man, Aragorn is just -that- fast.
SB: I WANT BOROMIR! GIMME GIMME GIMME SOME SEAN BEAN!
MMLS: Tell me what he tastes like.
YMG: Strawberries.
MMLS: I wouldn't know.
SB: I would.
YMG & MMLS: *glares*

He looked down grimly at what he'd found a small boat

MMLS: Hold up... where's the river in all of this?
YMG: They're in the mountains, where the fuck did they find a boat?
SB: Where the fuck'd you find this story?

with what looked like a badly burned elf laying inside it.

YMG: She's not dead ... just very badly burnt!
MMLS: How do you know it's a she?
YMG: Well, this story HAS to have a Mary Sue.
MMLS: Always forget about those.
SB: I just block them out.

It was hard to tell if it was a male or a female, because of the injuries.

SB: You know ... there are ways to tell ...
MMLS: And then there exist those who are right down the middle.
YMG: (as Jairah) Oops! I forgot to tell you that I was a man!

Legolas came running when he heard Gimli's cries. "What is it, dwarf?" he asked urgently.

YMG: (as Gimli) It scawwed me! I need a hug!
MMLS: Legolas is so rude to Gimli. Why is everyone treating Gimli in such a bad way?

Gimli pointed down at the boat,which was beached on the river bed.

YMG: What river? I definitely don't remember a river in the movie ... at least there ...
MMLS: *shakes head* Legolas' blond locks blinded the author.
SB: *Gawd* He really is a dumb blonde.
YMG: You have something against blondes?
SB: Well ...

Legolas immediately dropped down by the boat to see if the elf was still alive.

SB: Please say no.

He touched it's neck gently,

SB: Its! COME ON! They teach that in the 6th grade!
YMG: Hmmm, so this girl really is twelve years old.

then turned it over onto it's back to see if it was still breathing.

SB: Its!
MMLS: IF IT WERE!!! SUBJUNCTIVE? ANYONE? *growls*
YMG: This sounds like they found a horseshoe crab on the beach and are prodding it with a stick or something.
SB: Better a horseshoe crab than used condoms ...
YMG: Oh, I wouldn't be surprised if those turned up in this story too.
MMLS: Are there condoms available in Middle Earth?
YMG: Available in all fine Middle Earth pharmacies.

The elf's face was covered in soot, and on it's torso a gash had stopped bleeding and was beginning to heal.

SB: I give up!
MMLS: I thought this story said it was in English.

"She's breathing." Legolas said.

YMG: Yes, Legolas could tell from the shape and width of the gash that the elf was surely a female.
MMLS: Maybe it's his female intuition.

Gimli noticed the dress that the elf was wearing, indicating that she was in fact female.

YMG & SB: Hello??!! *shake heads*
YMG: Hey, who said they can't have cross dressing elves?
MMLS: And if she were THAT badly burned, there would NOT be a dress on her!

Legolas lifted her out of the boat.

"What's the trouble, Gimli?" Aragorn breathed.

SB: OMG, really? He breathed?
YMG: Never would have thought.
MMLS: He just stopped coming. Now he's breathing.

He'd just come running from the opposite direction.

YMG: From whence he was blowing Boromir.
MMLS: Wonder if he tastes like strawberries.
SB: Hussssshhhhh

Gimli indicated the elf now laying in Legolas' arms, he'd knelt down and laid her on the ground carefully. "She's unconscious, but will awaken," Legolas said.

MMLS: (as Legolas) Yes, with just one kiss I can make her come to life.
YMG: (as Aragorn) NO!!!
SB: Maybe she'll turn into a frog.

Aragorn dropped to his knees next to the elf,

MMLS: Next to Legolas? *covers her ears and eyes* LA LA LA LA!! I don't want to know what they are doing...

and placed a hand on her forehead. "Who is she?" he wondered.

MMLS: I thought this was a guys only trip.

"And what happened to her?" Gimli said.

TD: Didn't it say like a few lines up she was badly burned...?
SB: Ack, I didn't know Gimli could mind read.
YMG: Maybe Aragorn just has internal monologue problems. You know, like Austin Powers.
SB: Yeah, baby!

Legolas picked her up again, and rose to his feet. "No answers shall we find now.

TD: I Yoda speak like shall.
YMG: No originality has this story!
SB: No soup for you!

Let us go back to the rest of the Company and try to tend to her.

SB: ???? What was that sentence even trying to relay?
MMLS: Since when is the FELLOWSHIP known as THE COMPANY? *growls*

It is clear that she's been through something terrible," he said, as they started back towards their camp.

YMG: Nah, the burns were for fun.
MMLS: She likes it that way.
SB: Silly Mary Sue-she played with matches again.

"So near to the woods of Lothorien. Maybe she is from there?"

SB: Complete your sentences!
MMLS: *confused* Where are we located again?

Gimli shrugged, and struggled to keep up with the taller elf and Man.

TD: Did I miss something? Is "Man" a character now, or is Aragorn now just understood as "Man 1"?
MMLS: Where is Boromir?
YMG: Crying in the corner. Like Jeff Weaver.

"She was in the boat when I discovered her.

MMLS: And she was STILL in the boat when the others arrived. Is it just me or is this sentence totally superfluous?
YMG: No, it's not JUST this sentence. It's the whole story.

Who knows how far she may have come from upstream."

TD: Choose one; river or stream...

They walked in silence until they reached the camp. The hobbits and the Wizard were settling in for the night,

MMLS: They do have names, you know. And what does she mean "settling in for the night"?

and Boromir had built a large fire in the center of the camp.

MMLS: Wasn't Boromir with Aragorn as last we checked?

Frodo noticed Legolas carrying the strange, beaten elf in his arms and went to assist.

SB: In the beating.
MMLS: Pardon me, but elves are around 6 feet tall. Hobbits are around 3 feet tall. So how can Frodo assist Legolas in carrying the stupid elf?
YMG: Maybe she didn't mean assist in carrying ...

"What is it?" he asked frantically.

TD: It's a beaten, burned elf.
YMG: (as Frodo) And more importantly ... can I eat it?
MMLS: I thought Frodo knew it was an elf. I'm SO CONFUSED!!!

Bad things were almost promised to happen to Frodo and the Company on their journey,

MMLS: STOP IT!! It's the FELLOWSHIP!!! *sigh*
YMG: She can't spell that.

as their trip through the Misty Mountains had proven.

TD: Aren't they still in the Misty Mountains...?
SB: What's with this almost promised business? And what does this little snippet have to do with, well, anything?

Legolas gently laid the elf on the ground

YMG: Again ...
SB: LEGOLAS IS A NECROPHELIAC!
YMG: She's not dead ... yet.

and Frodo knelt down beside him to attend to her.

MMLS: And how was Frodo attending her?
YMG: Not like he attends Sam, I'm sure.

"Where did you find her?" Frodo wanted to know.

MMLS: (as Legolas) Oh in Walmart! We passed it about a mile back.

"Gimli found her on his sweep by the river" Legolas replied. He had dipped a cloth into the water before they'd left the riverbank,

YMG: Maybe he'll press the cloth over her nose and mouth to smother her. That is, if she's not dead.
TD: So now it's a river again...
MMLS: Then why mention it only now? And wouldn't it be more productive to do this BY the river? And not at the camp? And where is Gandalf? I want my Ian!!!! *cries*
SB: Ah, the old gay men.

and was gently wiping her face clean of all the soot. "She looks like she's been beaten pretty badly."

YMG: No shit.
SB: Except she's burned.
TD: Burned...unless Aragorn and Legolas got restles on the way to the camp.

Frodo put his hand on her forehead. "By whom?" he asked.

SB: By Jesus' God's Grandma's mom, who else?
MMLS: *sighs* Why do they always make Frodo to be an innocent idiot? I know he's got a heartburn problem, but he's not THAT dumb.

"To that I have no answer" Legolas said,

TD: Again Yoda speaking ...
MMLS: He never has an answer to anything. I don't think he even knows his own name.
YMG: No, he learned it from all those times with Aragorn ...
MMLS: I keep blocking that out of my mind.

taking a look at the cut on her abdomen. He seemed to be hesitant to dress the cut, finally just cleaning it with the wet cloth and then leaving the cloth there to cover it.

TD: BURNED! SHE WAS BURNED!
SB: Eww, she has cooties!

Underneath the soot the elf was pale.

YMG: Aren't all elves pale?

Her hair was sandy coloured, and it hung dirty and tangled down to middle of her shoulders.

SB: (as Legolas) Like, OMG! I like totally need to wash your hair!

As Legolas lifted her lids ever so gently to see if she was responsive at all, he revealed amber coloured eyes.

YMG: That's right, just go poke her in the eyes. That'll help lots.
MMLS: You just don't do that to an unconscious person. First you -
SB: Oh shut up with all the medicine stuff!
MMLS: *grumbles*

Legolas covered the elf with a blanket and settled down a little ways from her. Gandlaf came over to inspect the new arrival.

YMG: Like a heffer to the slaughter ...
SB: Baaaaaaaah.
MMLS: She spelled Gandalf wrong. I don't care if it's a typo, I am killing her. *goes to find her sword*

"the Dwarf found her by the river?" he asked.

TD: NAMES! THEY ALL HAVE NAMES!
MMLS: How many times and how many people will ask the SAME GODDAMN QUESTION? And Gandalf has EARS, so he could have heard what they were saying before.
SB: Where's Dunbar?

"Yes. In a boat on the riverbed, actually."

SB: No, he found her on a fucking yacht.
TD: I'm still waiting for the name of this mysterious river in the middle of the mountains they were traveling through in the beginning of the story...

Gandalf frowned. "I wonder who she was running from..?"

YMG: Whoever said she was running from someone?
SB: Run run run, run run run awaaaaaaaaaaay!
MMLS: I thought she was rowing?
YMG: I don't believe in monkeys, I don't believe in pants. I don't believe in anything, except that I can dance.

Legolas sighed. "Only she can tell us, I'm afraid.

MMLS: No really? Wow, that boy is one smart cookie.

And I'm not certain when she'll awaken."

MMLS: When she'll AWAKE. Stupid native speakers.

Gandalf waved his hand over the elf's face, and closed his eyes.

MMLS: Gandalf closed HIS eyes? Legolas'? Eeeeww... I don't like Legolas/Gandalf slash.

"It won't be long" he said, then went back over to his spot between Pippin and Merry.

SB: He had to make sure nothing ... interesting ... happened between then.
YMG: Yeah, but wasn't he in between them?
SB: Good point.
TD: He was happening between them.

The group settled down for the night. The stars hung low,

JLP: Do they wobble to and fro?
YMG: Stars do not hang. And they cannot be low, because they don't move.
MMLS: Maybe they are depressed because they got mentioned in this story.
SB: Or maybe they're glittery cardboard. And you know what they say about all that glitters...

and a small pleasant wind whistled through the leaves of the towering trees.

SB: There are no trees there! Where the hell are they?
TD: On a mountain next to a river with lots of trees. Obviously.

The fire died down, its embers glowing red before burning lower to cast a small glow over the campsite and its occupants.

MMLS: Sounds just so romantic.

The wounded elf sat up with a start, wincing with the pain in her side.

SB: (as Mary Sue) I should never have let him bite me in bed last night!
MMLS: Let us review one thing. When you come back to yourself after being unconscious, you don't suddenly just sit up. You blink, roll around, but you can't just sit up.

With the dim light of the fire, she looked frantically around, her heart feeling like ice.

MMLS: Does she have low blood pressure or something?

There were nine figures scattered around the fire, one looked like a dwarf and four looked like children.

MMLS: *clears her throat* Elves know what hobbits look like. So if she's an elf, she would recognize four HOBBITS. NOT Children.
YMG: It's Snow Retarded!

The other four were normal sized, and the one lying closest to her looked to be an elf, but she wasn't sure.

MMLS: How DUMB is this elf? I thought Mary Sue's were usually smart ...

She scooted backwards, rustling the leaves and hitting her head on a tree.

YMG & SB: Wohoo!

She let out a piercing scream, rousing everyone around the fire.

MMLS: Now, that's what I call smart.
TD: People don't usually let out blood-curdling screams when they hit their head, they just shout a large number of obscenities.

Frodo looked across the fire and saw the elf pulling at her hair wildly and screaming something in the Elvish language.

SB: And it went something like, "Fucking hell! I'm trapped in a Mary Sue's body!"
MMLS: (as the narrator) And Frodo decided that it's better to call the ambulance.
SB: Or better yet, the men in the white coats.
YMG & TD: Legato!

She was tangled in the blanket Legolas had placed over her, so it took her some time to get to her feet, but when she had, she fell right down again.

YMG: ...
MMLS: There's a song like that ...
TD: Silly me, I thought her hair was caught in the bushes she bumped into...
YMG: Are we sure Legolas wasn't trying to smother her?

Aragorn was first to reach her.

MMLS: Why would he be? Since Legolas was the closest, it OBVIOUSLY makes sense that Aragorn would reach her. Almost as much sense as posting an Orlando picture on a Viggo fansite.

He tried to touch her, but when he did, she curled up in a ball next to the tree and started to scream again,

MMLS: What the hell is wrong with her? *growls* I would appreciate Aragorn's help...
YMG: That's not the only thing of his you would appreciate...
MMLS: *hits YMG over the head*

the same words in Elvish, which nobody but Aragorn and Legolas could understand. Aragorn tried to tell her in elvish that she was alright, to calm down, but she seemed afraid of him, and pressed herself ever more against the tree.

SB: Ack, scary ranger man, eww go away!

Legolas had finally gotten to his feet and went to the girl elf,

MMLS: What was he doing before?
YMG: Correction: whom was he doing before?
MMLS: point taken.

speaking to her in his soft voice in Elvish.

MMLS: And Aragorn's voice is not soft? What the hell is wrong with her?
YMG: Didn't you say that already?
MMLS: I didn't get an answer yet.

She looked at him and she stopped screaming, but continued to press herself into the tree, whimpering. Tears started slipping down her face.

YMG: (as Her) So ... beautiful ... *tear.* I want one!
SB: You're right! This cliché is in every. Single. Friggin. Fanfic.

"Who are you?" Legolas asked in Elvish. She didn't answer, just hid her face in her lap.

SB: That's gotta hurt.
YMG: Is that even possible?
MMLS: Only if you have ribs removed.
TD: I wish I could do that, I'd be so set...

"Is she alright?" Frodo asked. Sam, Merry, and Pippin stood behind him as if afraid of the strange elf.

YMG: Well, obviously she is!
MMLS: Since when is Frodo the bravest?
SB: Since he got rid of his angst...
MMLS: But he never did.

"I don't know" Aragorn replied. Legolas was easing closer to the girl elf, he'd managed to place his hand on her knee, taking her hand in his.

SB: Boy, he moves fast, don't he?

"Nobody is going to hurt you here, " he said to her again in Elvish.

MMLS: Unless you want us to.

"We found you by the river in a boat. You're hurt. We just want to aid you."

SB: She needs a bit of, ooh, shock treatment ...

She looked up, her tearstained face focused on Legolas.

YMG: (as Her) Shiny hair...

Her eyes locked with his, and for a moment there was complete silence, as she stared at him, deciding whether or not he was telling the truth. His eyes were kind, she seemed drawn to him.

TD: And by eyes she means lips and by drawn into him, she means...
YMG: Do dooo, do do do dooooo do doooo!
SB: What the hell is that?
YMG: You know, in the Sims, when they're about to kiss?
SB: Oh yeah.

And so she spoke, in Elvish :

"Jairah."

YMG: Gasp!
SB: It's the fourteenth Apostle!

Everyone heard her speak the one word. "is that your name?" Aragorn asked her in Elvish.

SB: Or is it just your stripper name?

She replied, in the same tongue, not taking her eyes away from Legolas,

TD: Still replacing eyes with lips.
SB: Wow, she's really stuck on him.
YMG: Like a heffer to the slaughter ...
SB: Stop saying that!

"That is my name, Jairah. Who are you people?

MMLS: What an intelligent way to ask for their names!

You -" she said, pointing to Legolas with one of her mangled hands, "Who are you?".

TD: Apparently Legolas is not encompassed in 'all of you'.
YMG: And what's your number?
SB: Gimme gimme gimme that elf after midnight!

Legolas' eyes remained locked to Jairah's.

SB: Enough! We get it!
TD: Still lips.
MMLS: Aragorn doesn't.

"My name is Legolas Greenleaf, my Lady. From Mirkwood." He remained knelt next to her, her scraped up hand in his.

MMLS: And with just quick twist of his hand...
YMG: You are vicious.

"These are my friends. The hobbits," he said, pointing to each one in turn, "Merry, Pippin, Sam, and Frodo. And Gandalf the Wizard, Gimli the Dwarf, and Boromir.

MMLS: Legolas has FRIENDS? I thought he just had playmates...
YMG: (as Legolas) These are my friends! This one's Happy, and this one's Grumpy, and this one's Sneezy --

And of course, Aragorn, here. He is a Ranger."

MMLS: (as Legolas) And he is mine, so keep your hands off of him.
SB: His name was strider, he was a ranger, with a mysterious black cloak, in the corner puffing smoke!

Jairah's eyes surveyed the group. How odd for a whole group of such creatures to be gathered together.

TD: Creatures...that's a very pleasant way to describe them...
YMG: They're weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeiiirdd!
MMLS: What are the odds of 9 gay men being together?
SB: How many guys are on Queer Eye?

Her thoughts were pulled away from her

YMG: LOL.
SB: They were screaming "Take me, take me!"
YMG: Just like she'll be doing later.
MMLS: To be frank, I'm surprised they existed in the first place.

as Legolas tried to help her to stand. Her legs were shaky and she collapsed under her weight. Legolas caught her and swept her up off her feet.

MMLS, SB & YMG: *groan*
YMG: Why? Je ne comprends pas!

"Are your legs hurt, my Lady?" he asked in Elvish.

YMG: (as Legolas) Did it hurt?
SB: (as Jairah) Did what hurt?
YMG: (as Legolas) When you fell out of heaven and into my arms!
MMLS: Well, probably not since her WHOLE body is badly burned.

Jairah lifted her skirt ever so slightly and revealed her lower legs,

SB: Um ...
YMG: Wow ...
MMLS: I don't want to know.
TD: Didn't we remark already about how she was wearing a dress...

marred with cuts and scratches.

YMG: Sexy.

"My legs." she started.

MMLS: Wow, what a revelation.

"One of my ankles is hurt badly. I cannot walk on it. I think I harmed it while I was running away.. "

YMG: (as Jairah) Oh, dear me, I don't think I can walk! I think someone will have to carry me!
SB: (as Jairah) And I think that someone is a big sexy elf man!

she trailed off, and hid her face on Legolas' shoulder and began to shake violently.

YMG: (as Jairah) My plan ... it's working ... MUAHAHAHA!

The gash on her abdomen had begun to bleed and Legolas pressed his hand over the cut.

MMLS: That's not a smart thing to do. Think of all the germs...
YMG: Ah, but then she'll be sure to die.
MMLS: In that case, yes, Legolas, use that hand. Scrape up some dirt too, while you are at it.

He set her down and began to attend to the cut.

The rest of the group had settled down some, sitting around the fire and watching her.

MMLS: (as Aragorn) She better not try anything with him.
YMG: (as Gandalf) You think anyone would mind if I turn her into a frog?
MMLS: (as Aragorn) Please do.

Jairah winced as Legolas applied some pressure to the cut just below her breast.

YMG: Touchy, touchy!
MMLS: But *sings* Pain is so close to pleasure...

It had opened up in her madness, and it was bleeding quite badly. She yelped as he withdrew his hand, and saw that it was covered with her dark Elvish blood.

TD: I saw like 20,000 elves die at Helmsdeep in The Two Towers. There is no difference in the type of blood.
SB: Mmmm blood.

"What happened to you, my Lady?" he asked gently.

YMG: You did!
SB: (as Jairah) Oh, silly me! I just fell down the stairs again. Silly me!

Jairah looked at him but couldn't answer. She took the hand that was covered with her blood and began to clean it with the hem of her dress.

MMLS: How high is she pulling that skirt up? And if she's burned, why does she still have a dress on?
TD: Simple, its now magically turned into back into a dress, and dresses can't burn.
SB: Obviously!
YMG: Guess it's flame retardant.
MMLS: Or just retarded.

He pulled away. "No." he said. "Its alright. We just need to dress this cut, it will be alright." He motioned for Frodo to come over.

YMG: I SWEAR I read that as "we just need to cut this dress"
TD: Freudian Slut. My dad. It's when you say one thing but you mean your mother.
SB: I wouldn't have been surprised if it had said that. And you know, "Alright" isn't a word.
MMLS: No more teasing me about science, Grammar Girl!
SB: *growls*

"Frodo," he said, holding out his hand, "Give me your cloak."

MMLS: (as Legolas) Strip, Frodo! For me...

Frodo obliged.

MMLS: Where is Sam at the moment?
SB: OMG! Sam what are you and he doing in the bushes!

Legolas took one of his knives out and quickly cut two strips off of the bottom. "Sorry, my friend," he said. "I fear that I have made it shorter but I need the cloth."

YMG: Well, duh.
SB: It will just make you look taller, hunnie boo boo.
YMG: Taller. *Coughtomcruisecough*

Frodo just nodded, and looked again and the poor girl elf who was bleeding on the ground.

YMSB: Hahaha!

She looked at him, her amber eyes clouded with tears. Then she spoke :

"You bear the One Ring."

YMG: Yes!
SB: Frodo, has got the one ring!
YMG: Has got the one ring!
SB: Has got the wuh-huhn ring!
MMLS: *confused yet again* If she knows about the one ring, how come she doesn't know what HOBBITS look like?

Frodo looked startled. First that he had understood what the elf had said, and second that she knew about the Ring.

MMLS: Maybe because she's speaking YOUR LANGUAGE, shorty!

"H-how do you know about the Ring?" he asked shakily, sitting down next to where Legolas was attending to her.

YMG: I saw it in the theater, silly!

Legolas bade Jairah to sit up. With his help she managed to move to a sitting position, while he widened the rip in the front of her dress so he could reach inside to wrap the strips of cloth around her body.

YMG: Uh huh.
SB: Suuuuure that's what he was doing.
YMG: Unnecessary touching, methinks?
SB: Unnecessary descriptions. Wow, this is almost as bad as Catullus.

She closed her eyes when he did so, as if she was in pain.

YMG: Or in sweet, sweet ecstasy!
SB: You are my deeeeeeeeeeeeeeestiny!

Tears seeped from her eyes as he withdrew his hands from inside the dress to tie the strips together tightly, binding the wound closed.

YMG: More, more!
SB: Again, again!
MMLS: There's definitely something else going on here.

"There, my Lady," he said. "That should make the bleeding stop."

MMLS: (as Legolas) Now, if you excuse me, I must return to my boyfriend.

He sat back from her a little ways and she opened her eyes and looked at him again. Their eyes locked.

MMLS: AGAIN? What kind of eyes do they have? Magnetic ones?
TD: *sigh ...lips...

He found himself drowning in the amber pools that were staring him down, and at once shook himself inside and broke the stare.

SB: *FANFICTION CLICHÉ ALERT*
YMG: That makes two now, doesn't it?
TD: Three, he also swept her off her feet.
YMG *Groan*

He leaned over and kissed her on the forehead. "You will heal." He whispered, before getting up and going over to sit beside Aragorn.

MMLS: PING!!! See? Told you. He went back to his boyfriend.

Frodo still was staring at Jairah with wide eyes. She fixed her gaze on him now,

MMLS: Is she hitting on Frodo now?

and said again: "You bear the One Ring."

SB: No shit.

"Yes." Frodo replied. "But how did you know?"

YMG: (as Jairah) It's shhiiiiiiiiiiiiiinny!

"I saw you in a dream." She replied softly, looking down at her dirty hands.

SB: I dreamt last night I got on the boat to heaven.
YMG: I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream!
MMLS: Shboom, life could be a dream, if I could take you up to paradise up above!
YMG: That's the scene with the making out and the bodies, isn't it!?
MMLS You betcha.

"I saw you with the One Ring. I did not believe that my dreams were prophetic in any way before, but now I do believe."

SB: Wow, she's up to four!
YMG: Maybe she'll be the first to hit the ten mark.
MMLS: If you believe in magic, and I know you do ...
SB: Wait a second. I think this person sounds familiar. YMG, do we know someone like this?
YMG: You're not thinking what I'm thinking...
YMG & SB: CASS13MX!

"You saw me in a dream?" Frodo asked incredulously.

SB: No, she saw you in Flipper.
MMLS: Or in Deep Impact.
TD: Or in The Faculty.
YMG: *snickers*

"Yes." Jairah said. "I saw you receive the ring. But that is all. I did not understand what it meant. I know the legend of the Rings, as most of my kind do.

YMG: Galadriel said everyone had forgotten.
SB: Yes, but she's special.
YMG: So very, very special indeed.
MMLS: Do you mean that as a euphemism for retarded?
LIZ: DON'T SAY RETARDED!

But I did not understand why I was seeing you receive the Ring, I still do not. That is all I know."

"We are on a quest to destroy this Ring." Frodo told her. "That is why we are here now, and it has been very hard."

TD: Yes lets tell the mysterious stranger who has been tortured all about that we're doing.
YMG: What was hard?
TD : Finding a river on a mountain surrounded by towering trees.

Jairah wasn't listening. She was gazing across the fire at Legolas, who was in conversation with Aragorn.

SB: STOP ALREADY! FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
YMG: If she *really* was half dead, she wouldn't be spending all her time checking out Legolas' tights.
SB: And yet she is.
MMLS: Are you sure that Aragorn and Legolas are JUST talking?
SB: Yeeeaaah...I think our little Mary Sue is also obsessed with gay men.

"Please, tell me, my Lady," Frodo interrupted her thoughts by saying, "How did you come to be in such a state?"

SB: Well, I crossed the Hudson from New York, and somehow ended up in Joisey.

"Yes. Why were you in the boat on the river? And what harmed you?" Gimli spoke up for the first time.

MMLS: They JUST asked her that? Wouldn't it be the FIRST thing to ask?

Jairah closed her eyes and sighed deeply.

YMG: (as Jairah) Why won't these guys leave me alone so I can stare longingly at Legolassylouloubelle?

"I ran away from some Orcs." She said. "I have been a prisoner of the Orcs since they abducted me from my family's home many years ago."

SB: Sex slave!
YMG: She is their prison bitch, their prison bitch!
TD: She's not like other men...?

Part Two