The Greatest Adventure of All - Part One

... can be read here

Everyone was silent. Orcs hated elves, and took pleasure in maiming, killing, and torturing them.

MMLS: *looks* Is this a LOTR fanfiction? Then wouldn't the readers KNOW what Orcs are?

They sometimes took prisoners to use as slaves in their underground caves.

YMG: Whoopah!
SB: Yargh, off to the mines with ye!

It was Gandalf who finally broke the silence. "What happened, my dear?"

MMLS: because the others were too intent on making out with one another to even listen to her story.

Jairah took a deep breath. "It is too painful to disclose, sir," she said quietly. "

YMG: But she'll do it anyway, won't she! Oh, won't she!
MMLS: *to YMG* STOP LOOKING AHEAD!
YMG: I wasn't I swear! You should be able to predict these things by now. I do.

Perhaps someday I will be able to tell the entire tale.

SB: Someday my prince will come!
YMG: Prince Legolas?
SB: Nah, Prince William.
YMG: Okaaaaaaay ...

I will tell a small part. I was abducted along with my father. The Orcs killed him, but I was kept alive to be a slave.

SB: She's a ... sllllllllllllllave 4 U!

I could not bear it and I fought my way free. I set their cave on fire, burning most of them.

YMG: How the hell do you set a cave on fire? Only I'm that sexy!
MMLS: She's just THAT hot!

The ones who were not burnt tried to capture me again, which is how I got this gash on my stomach. They held me down and beat me with their clubs.

MMLS, YMG & SB: YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!
MMLS: I like the orcs.

I managed to grab hold of one of their swords

MMLS: Orcs don't use swords.
SB: So what did she grab then?
YMG: We do not want to know.

and cut one of the Orcs legs off. And I ran, and ran,

SB: I don't believe in... nevermind.

till I found a boat by the riverbed, and I climbed in and paddled for my life.

MMLS: Why would there be a random boat on the riverbed?
YMG: It's like Teenagers from Outer Space, where there's always a phone booth.

By the time they caught up to the river, I was too far downstream for them to pursue me. I lost consciousness sometime after that." She trailed off, hugging herself close, and wincing with pain from the cut in her side.

SB: She's up to five now.
YMG: Take me through the darkness to the break of the day!

Frodo put a reassuring hand on her shoulder.

MMLS: Why is Frodo hitting on her?
YMG: He should hit her.
MMLS: oh yes!

"Lady Jairah, we will help you. We are not that far from Lothorien.

MMLS: I thought she said before that they WERE in Lothlorien.

We will take you there. Perhaps Lady Galadriel will be able to tell you of your dreams, and you may seek refuge there."

"Yes." Aragorn replied. "You are safe with us, Lady. Please do not fear."

TD: (as Legolas) None of us find you even remotely sexually attractive.
MMLS: (as Aragorn) We are all too gay to even care about you.

One by one, the Company settled down for sleep again.

SB: (as Legolas) Okay boys, orgy time!
TD: Guess what, despite the fact that you like the word "Company," IT'S A FELLOWSHIP!

Jairah sat huddled in her blanket, staring at the fire that had grown large again.

SB: All by itself!

Legolas sat on the opposite side of the fire, looking at her.

MMLS: Is Legolas not part of the company? I thought they all went to sleep. Or is his eyes still locked with hers?

She seemed strangely familiar to him, as if they'd met before, though he was certain that they had not.

SB: Six! Already!
MMLS: Well, he did live for about 3000 years now. So he would have met a whole LOT of people.

He had pushed the thought from his mind when a rustle and a yelp came from Jairah, who was inspecting the cut in her side.

YMG: (as Jairah) Does this cut make me look fat?

Legolas stepped over Gimli and went to sit next to her. "Best not to touch it, my Lady," he said.

YMG: Yes, let him do it for you.

He looked where she was touching, and blood had started to seep through, but it had appeared that the bleeding had stopped.

SB: Oh my God, she's feeling herself up!

She took her hand away from the cut and pulled the blanket up around her. She looked at him, then up at the sky. They sat for a moment in silence before she spoke.

MMLS: Can they please shut up? And sit in silence for the rest of their lives?

"Elen sila lumenn omentielvo" she said in Elvish.

"A star shines on the hour of our meeting.." Legolas whispered, looking at her. She took her eyes away from the sky and looked at him. "Yes." She said.

YMG: (as Derek) Yes, the light of your moon, it will help!
SB: (as Betty) My moon? Where are you from Derek?
YMG: (as Derek) I ... did not know how to tell you ...
MMLS: Stop quoting that horrible, horrible movie!
TD: You know, if Derek were from Mirkwood, that would explain a LOT.

Then she winced again, the pain in her side making her double over. Legolas put a hand on her back.

YMG: Lay your hands on me!

"Why don't you get some rest, my Lady?" he suggested.

SB: (as Legolas) Because once you're asleep, Aragorn and I are going to toss the salad.

She looked at him. "I am afraid, if I fall asleep, I will wake up unsafe." She shivered.

YMG: IF you wake up ...
MMLS: *stops sharpening her sword* uh-huh... I'll make sure she won't.

"No chance of that," Legolas said confidently.

SB: (as Legolas) Because there's no way in hell I'm letting you wake up!

"There are nine of us to combat whatever comes this way. I assure you that you are safe. " he smiled as she leaned down towards a laying position. She looked at him again, that deep, pulling gaze, and then closed her eyes and laid her head down. He watched her as her breaths became even, indicating that she was asleep before he settled down himself.

MMLS: What was HE looking at? Her breaths? Or her breasts?
SB: Wow, I read it like that too!
YMG: See? I'm not the only one ...

At first light, Aragorn awoke and extinguished the fire. One by one the hobbits, Gandalf, Gimli, Boromir, and Legolas awakened, but Jairah remained asleep. Frodo went over to her and shook her gently, and she opened her eyes slowly.

MMLS: Frodo is SO hitting on her. I think we got ourselves an Orlando AND an Elijah fangirl.
YMG: The WORST kind.

"It is time to go, my Lady" Frodo said.

Jairah sat up and looked around. Everyone was packing up.

MMLS: What were they packing? Their extensive wardrobes?

She made to stand up, but as she did the pain in her ankle, though lessened, was still enough to make her yelp with pain. Legolas came to her aid and made her lean on him as a crutch.

MMLS: How tall is SHE? And Frodo would make a better crutch. He's shorter.
YMG: Wow, this girl's really a mess, isn't she?

"She is not able to walk on it." He informed Aragorn.

MMLS: (as Legolas) Don't be jealous, honey.

"She may ride on Bill." Aragorn said hesitantly, for the small pony was not too strong.

Jairah read his thoughts. "No." She said. "I will walk on it. If we are not far from Lothorien, we must not also be far from Nimrodel. Her waters will heal my ankle." She let go of Legolas and stood unsteadily at his side.

MMLS: Is she connected with Aragorn too? She's reading his thoughts...

Aragorn looked doubtful.

MMLS: (as Aragorn) You better not touch my bitch Legolas.

"Are you quite sure, my Lady? It is a long journey yet to Lothorien. It might be a day or two before we reach Nimrodel."

YMG: I believe there's an L in Lothlorien.

Jairah looked at him strongly. "I will make do. I do not wish to slow your journey.

SB: Because a shallow, limping Mary Sue is soooo not going to hinder the journey.

I know the dangers that surround it."

YMG: Through dangers untold, I have fought my way to the Goblin City ...

With that, she started after the rest of the Company, leaving Legolas and Aragorn behind. Though limping, she kept up with the Hobbits, towering over them with every step.

YMG: OMG!
SB: What?
YMG: She joined the fellowship!
MMLS: No, not the fellowship. THE COMPANY. *cries*
SB: Oi ...
YMG: She's writing this for us, I swear. She's meeting the exact specifications for bad fan-fiction clichés!

The Company walked for what seemed to be many hours when all of a sudden Jairah stopped suddenly. She didn't move or speak, just stood and looked into the trees. Legolas fell into step beside her and touched her shoulder.

MMLS: How can he fall in step with her, if she stopped to admire the trees?

"What is it, Lady Jairah?" he asked.

YMG: I saw the sign, and it opened up my eyes I saw the sign!

Jairah didn't answer for a second. She looked off into the woods and to the sky.

SB: Oh, my God! Look! There's a giant phallic object in the sky!
YMG: No, that's very important piece of art!

"There is something near." She said. "Something bad."

SB: Like your mom.
YMG: You know ... her lines sound awfully like Legolas' lines.
MMLS: You mean the vague ones that mean nothing?
YMG: Exactly.

Frodo pulled out his sword,

MMLS: Wow, Frodo, what small Sword you have!

and it shone blue.

MMLS: PING! It should shine PINK!

Orcs

"Its' Orcs" he said, panicking. "They must not be far."

YMG: (as Legolas) Orcs!
SB: (as Legolas) Goblins!
YMG & SB: (as Legolas) Orcs and Goblins!
YMG: Oh my!
MMLS: Time for the Frodo indigestion face.

Aragorn pulled out his sword.

MMLS: are they preparing for a fight or a massive orgy?

"Make ready, then. If they attack, we'll be ready."

MMLS: No, they'll just give you a ticket.

Jairah looked terrified. She turned to Legolas. "I won't go back with them. They'll have to kill me first."

SB: They want your sexy body!
YMG: *sings* You suck my miiiind...

"They'll have to kill all of us first, Lady." He said comfortingly, touching her cheek.

SB: He sounds like a sexual predator.
TD: Now she is truly a member of the fellowship, she has been called generic lady #1, just like all the other important characters.

"Everyone keep moving!" Aragorn ordered. "it is possible that they do not see us."

SB: *Pulls bag over head* Am I invisible?

They walked in silence and caution, until an arrow flew from the sky and landed in front of Pippin.

MMLS: (as the gods) DAMN! We just missed the Mary Sue.

"Augh!" he cried, jumping back.

MMLS: Into Merry's arms.

Arrows started to come in full force from the left, and then a burst of three orcs came out of the trees, screeching.

YMG: Since when are three orcs a "burst?"
TD: Since when do orcs use arrows?

Aragorn met one and started to battle it. Boromir had another, and the third went to Gimli, who chopped at it with his Axe.

YMG: Judo chop!
MMLS: *confused* If the orcs are pouring through the trees, all of the aforementioned people/dwarves will have more than one orc to deal with.

Legolas loaded his bow with an arrow and shot it dead with an arrow in a second.

YMG: No, he shot it dead with his striking good looks.
MMLS: Or he distracted it with his shiny hair.

Seconds after that he'd shot the one battling with Boromir. Aragorn had slain the Orc he was fighting and stood knocking arrows out of the sky with his sword.

"There are more!" Jairah cried, pointing to the trees, where a crowd of orcs were coming their way.

MMLS: She's perceptive.

More orcs came through the trees, and the Company fought them as best they could. Jairah tried to stay out of the way, for she had no weapon and was terrified of them.

SB: (as Jairah) Like eeeeeew! Fighting Orcs will make me break a naaaail!
MMLS: Does she not like the word FELLOWSHIP? I'm SICK of Company!!!!
YMG: She could kill them with her eyes that lock on everything.

Legolas was fighting off one when Jairah felt ice hit her heart. She looked up and saw an orc aiming a large arrow in a bow at Legolas.

SB: Awwwww!
YMG: So sad. So, so sad! (Make it seven!)
MMLS: Can the orc kill Legolas lu lu please?

"Legolas!" she screeched, and jumped and knocked him away from the arrow. It landed next to them on the ground with a thonk.

YMG: Wohoo! I win!
SB: Yeah, but we want him to die.
MMLS: What does a thonk sound like? I've never heard of that word before in my life.

For a split second their eyes locked when another arrow hit Jairah square in the back and she screamed.

SB: (as Jairah) YOU RUINED MY DRESS! This is Chanel!
YMG: More like D&G. She's not classy enough for Chanel. Like the Hilton sisters.

Legolas' eyes widened, and he went to pull it out when another Orc came from behind him. Jairah grabbed one of the long knives Legolas carried and shoved it directly in his chest, killing him, then went limp in Legolas' arms.

YMG: YAY!
SB: Death!

Quickly, Legolas lifted Jairah off of him and set her next to a tree. The orc that had shot her was reloading his bow yet again, and Legolas took aim fast and shot it straight through the forehead. He shot four more on their way down, and the ones that had already made it down were being slain by the Company. Finally there were no more Orcs left.

SB: This sounds disturbingly like the stuff I wrote in sixth grade. Except that wasn't fanfiction-at least there was no Mary Sewage.
YMG: Mai name is Anne Davis but allll mai friends call me Andy!
SB: Quiet!

Taking a deep gulp of air, Aragorn looked around at all the dead Orcs. "is anyone harmed?" he asked urgently.

MMLS: (as Aragorn) Besides the Mary Sue.

Legolas had returned to Jairah's side. She was breathing heavily and was sweating. She looked at him with tears in her eyes, but did not speak.

YMG: (as Jairah) That was the *heave* greatest sex of my life!

"She's hurt." Legolas called out

SB: it's only a flesh wound!

to Aragorn, who came quickly

YMG: Snarf.
MMLS: Aragorn just keeps on coming.
SB: All that pent up sexual frustration come back to bite you in the ass in the end...

to inspect. Legolas stroked her hair.

YMG: (as Legolas) I didn't even get to wash it yet.

"Let us see," Aragorn said, and Legolas gently leaned Jairah forward, revealing the arrow that had pierced her back. Aragorn grimaced. Jairah looked at him, then at Legolas again, tears slipping down her face, before falling into unconsciousness.

"She saved my life," Legolas said softly. "An arrow was going to strike me, she pushed me out of the way. Then she was struck, and she managed to kill an orc."

YMG: Alack, alack!

"It is an orc arrow, my friend. She will surely be poisoned, for she is an elf. Orc arrows always hold poison for elves."

MMLS: Since when?

Legolas pulled the arrow out of Jairah's back, blood trickling out of the wound, but stopping.

MMLS: Umm... that's not what would happen. If you pull the arrow out, the blood will gush out of the wound even faster. Which means she'll lose more blood. Smart going, Legolas! *applauds*

"We must get to Lothorien quickly. Only there can she be helped." Aragorn said. "Come! Let us ride."

MMLS: On what?

Legolas picked up Jairah. "Bill may carry her," Aragorn said.

YMG: Or he may NOT!
SB: WHO THE HELL IS BILL? Is he some sort of demented Muppet?
YMG: Bill is their little pony. Awwww!
MMLS: Yes, Legolas asked for him for Christmas.

Legolas shook his head. "I will carry her. I owe her my life."

SB: *yawn*
MMLS: I can't read any more. I'm about to become seriously sick.

With that, they started on their way again, not stopping for rest. When they had reached Nimrodel, Legolas bathed Jairah's wounds with the magic water, but she still did not awaken.

High up in the trees of Lothorien, where the secret Elven city was, Elf maids tried to take Jairah from Legolas, but he wouldn't hear of it, taking her himself to a room where she was put into bed

SB: And fucked.
YMG: To death!

and attended to. He was reluctant to leave her, but was bade to by Lady Galadriel, who was meeting with all of the Company, with messages for all.

MMLS: (as Galadriel) Legolas, Aragorn wants you!
YMG: (as Legolas) Okay! *runs off to Aragorn*

Galadriel was told of the fight with the Orcs, and Jairah's incredible courage.

YMG: This author really, really, really, needs a life.
SB: Or friends.
YMG: Or a lobotomy.

"The cure for a wound from an Orc arrow, for an elf, is only that of the blood of another elf." She told them, sorrowfully. "This poor creature will die without it."

MMLS: They had blood transfer in Middle Earth? Wow, they are really high-tech.

Legolas stepped up. "I will give my blood," he said to Galadriel. "She took the arrow in my stead. She took it saving my life."

SB: Heh.
YMG: This is a new one.
MMLS: But just as clichéd and boring.

"In giving your blood, you show immense care and love for this creature," Galadriel said to Legolas. "She will be in your debt, and your souls will be forever intertwined."

MMLS, SB & YMG: *Moan and bitch loudly while throwing tchotchkes at the screen*

"It is I who am in debt to her." Legolas said.

SB: Yeah, he owes her $400 in grocery money.

Galadriel smiled. And then she said something to Legolas that he almost didn't believe that he'd heard:

"Love is the greatest adventure of all."

Legolas looked at her in disbelief.

SB: LOL!
YMG: (as Galadriel) Le-go-las ... I am your mother!
MMLS: *rolling on the floor laughing*

"Do not looked so surprised, Legolas.

MMLS: Looked? Can't anyone use LOOK anymore?
YMG: These chickies must have a club.

Your heart has been forever set on battle and adventure. Now you have the chance to embark on another adventure. Just as your mother told you.

YMG: Ah, maternal guidance.

But someday you will have to choose which adventure you wish to continue on."

YMG: Choose your own adventure?

With that, Galadriel left.

SB: The elf-queen has left the building! Forest ... house ... hut, thing.

Legolas stayed where he was for awhile. Did he love Jairah? How could he?

YMG: She had cooties!
SB: And didn't wash her hair!
MMLS: And he was GAY!

When he thought of her dying, it sickened him. But that did not mean that he loved her.

YMG: Damn straight.
MMLS: No, he was gay.

He went to the room, where she slept still. He sat down next to her bedside and took one of her hands. As he did, a small shock passed through him.

YMG: Get's ya jumping like a real live wire!

He sat and watched her sleep untill two small elf maidens came in.

"It is time" one of them said. "are you ready?"

YMG: The time has come ... for the end.
SB: Of low prices!I mean ... high prices!

"Tell me what I need do." He replied.

MMLS: (as the elf-maiden) You need to shut up.

The elf-maiden bade him to sit on the side of the bed, while the other gently turned Jairah over, exposing the arrow-wound in her back. Legolas took off his cloak, and was made to roll up his sleeve, showing his forearm. The elf-maided produced a long silver dagger,

SB: Stab, stab, stab!
MMLS: KILL KILL KILL!

and Legolas braced himself as she cut into his elf-flesh, guiding his arm over the wound in Jairah's back, his blood dripping onto the wound. It began to bubble and then the wound quickly closed.

MMLS: WTF? Dude, this goes against ALL LAWS OF MEDICINE!
SB: And this story goes against ALL LAWS OF GRAMMAR!
YMG: Yeah ... it sucks.

Jairah was turned over onto her back again, and the Elf-Maiden released Legolas after applying a small bandage to the wound she'd made in his arm.

MMLS: HE DIDN'T DIE!! AND NEITHER DID SHE!!! *cries*

Jairah's body began to writhe on the bed. Small cries were coming from her lips, and she began to sweat. The other elf-maiden wiped her forehead with a damp towel, and then Jairah's body ceased to move.

SB: ...
YMG: .........
SB: Won't somebody help me chase these shadows away!
MMLS: Wow, I don't want to know all the details. It sounds as if she's having an orgasm.
TD: (as Elf Maiden) The operation went horribly wrong, now you both are poisoned and will slowly, slowly die. Very painfully.
ALL: YAY!

"She will sleep now, for a long while. Someone must stay with her at all times."

YMG: To make sure she never wakes up.
ALL: NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"I will do it." Legolas said. He still sat on the bed next to her, and he reached over with his good arm and stroked her forehead. "She will be alright?" he asked.

TD: Hmmm. Didn't see that coming with him giving her blood and being the only non-elf maiden in the room.

"Yes." The elf-maiden said. "All the poison is now gone from her body."

MMLS: Damn the orcs! They didn't kill her!

Then the Elf-Maidens left the room leaving Legolas with Jairah.

For long hours Jairah slept.

YMG: Hours can't be long ... they're all one equal amount of time.

Members of the Company came to see how she was, but Legolas never left her side. He slept in the bed beside her, with her hand in his, for he was weary from the journey as well.

MMLS: Or from Aragorn screwing him.
YMG: That was just the first chapter.
SB: And no, they're not all this long.
YMG: But they're just as scary.
MMLS: I am scared.