... can be read here
Hey everyone and welcome to my story! Just a pre-note: I do not own any of the characters of LOTR; I only own Gwaina, Arianna, and the rest of the faeries. Also, this story is coinciding with my friend's, so hers has what happened before this. In short, Gwaina and Legolas were traveling through a cave on their way to meet the rest of the fellowship, and Gwaina flies ahead leaving Legolas in complete darkness (aka giving Gollum the upper hand). ENJOY!
Chapter 1: "There are always problems in that tunnel." Arianna sighed.
MMLS: That doesn't sound right ...
YMG: Try vagisil, for all your "down there" needs.
She had just heard some commotion from the side entrance of the tunnel.
YMG: Tunnels don't have side entrances.
KEL: If you think about it, tunnels have one way in and one way out.
That's the way a straight line works.
Arianna was a tall faerie.
YMG: Just like Legolas!
SB: Getting' down with faeries!
She had blond hair and green eyes.
SB: Just like every other Mary sue!
MIC: She's an Aryan named Arianna!
YMG: *dies laughing.*
But two things made her very special:
SB: She was actually a man!
YMG: She wears trousers? She's a whore? She's un-dead?
MMLS: She's a retard?
TD: Strike one on the TTLOTRFFC.
She was the eldest princess and heir to the snow faerie clan
YMG: Snow faerie? That sounds like ... snow bunny. Or. Something.
KEL: That's not actually written is it?
YMG: Oh, yes it is.
SB: So ... in the first paragraph, she's 1. "Different"
2. "Sexy" 3. "Powerful."
YMG: Strike three, she's outta there.
one of the most powerful faerie clans.
MMLS: Oh, of course!
YMG: Faerie Don Corleone, at your service.
SB: We'll give her an offer she can't refuse...
The other was that she loved to fight.
MMLS: Nope, didn't see that one coming.
YMG: Me three.
"Looks like I should go see what is up." She scowled and flew into the tunnel.
YMG: Maybe Legolas is?
MMLS: *covers her eyes* I don't want to be scarred again!
She held up here snowflake charm that was around her neck, and lit the way.
MMLS: Her snowflake charm? Who is she, Frodo?
YMG: Sounds like a Pokémon thing.
SB: See Barbie with her new sparkling snowflake charm!
I better disguise myself, in case of human presence.
YMG: We are the borg!
A dim light covered here,
MMLS: Where's here?
SB: There was me, that is Alex, and me three droogs, Pete, Georgie, and
Dim ...
and left her standing with no wings, glitter, or any resemblance to a faerie.
SB: All that glitters is ...
YMG: Mariah Carey?
MMLS: Ewan?
She looked like a human girl.
YMG: Now I'm a real boy, papa!
SB: I want to be part of that wooooooooorld!
MMLS: She's not a girl ... not yet a woman.
SB: Oops! Did she forget to tell us she's a man?
As she walked on,
SB: She pranced. Like Mick Jagger.
YMG: She wasn't walking in the first place. She was flying.
the yells became louder.
MMLS: (as the yells) Oh, Aragorn!
She rounded a corner and came to view with a hideous creature crouched over something or someone.
MMLS: You mean Legolas crouched over Aragorn?
YMG: You mean that she can't distinguish between a person and a thing?
Hmm ...
"Hey!" she yelled. The creature turned toward her and said:
YMG: (as the creature) Yo, wassup dawg?
SB: (as the creature)Take me to your leader!
MMLS: (as the creature) Can we have some privacy?
SB: ... and the Mary Sue went away and never came back the end.
MMLS: We wish.
"Ohhh... looks like another course has arrived, preciousss..." it hissed maliciously.
MMLS: He's taking AP Calculus too?
SB: I *wonder* who that could be ...
It got off the person it crouched over and bounded toward Arianna.
YMG: Didn't she say that she couldn't tell if it was a person or a thing?
SB: Legolas Gollum slash!
"Die!" it hissed as it made a swipe at her head.
"Die!" they hissed as they made a swipe at the author's head.
Arianna dodged it easily.
MMLS: *sighs with disappointment*
YMG: As usual, the Mary Sue is gifted with the agility of a cheetah on
crack.
SB: She's just so, so special!
"You made a big mistake picking a fight with a faerie princess, buddy."
KEL: As usual, eloquence even in the face of danger.
SB: Buddy? Is it her dog?
YMG: I never thought I would encounter the words "faerie princess"
in an actual writing sample.
Arianna chuckled.
YMG: Ha ha ha. Hearty laughter me mateys!
SB: Yarrrrrrrgh! These arrrrrre no aaaardinary pirates!
"Now it's your turn to die!" She leapt forward and landed a kick across the creature's head.
MMLS: No, you first.
YMG: Judo kick!
MMLS: We all know from Frodo's experience that Gollum can move pretty
fast.
YMG: No one ever said it was Gollum. It could be ... Follum.
MMLS: Uh huh.
It stumbled and appeared to be bleeding at it's head.
YMG: Whose head and what's bleeding?
KEL: It's like foaming at the mouth ... except bleeding at the head.
SB: IT IS HEAD??? I-T-S! I-T-S! Goooooooooooooooo ITS!
"Ah! Gollum is hurt!" it hissed. He looked at her, howled, and charged forward once again.
MMLS: See, it is Gollum.
SB: Chaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaarge!
JLP: But, but his name isn't Gollum! So why would he be saying "Gollum
is hurt?"
"I don't have time for this" Arianna sighed.
YMG: Like I have a hair appointment in 1/2 an hour!
MMLS: *Dies*
YMG & SB: No time for the old in-out, love, just come to read the
meter!
Right before Gollum reached her, she reached for her snowflake charm.
YMG: *Groan*
MMLS: What is that, her contraception?
SB: Is her snowflake charm like ... her witty charm, or her flawless
charm?
"Freeze" she said calmly.
SB: Now quick, everyone back to the chairs before you're out.
A white light encircled Gollum and he was frozen in mid-air.
MMLS: He's an angel!
SB: The aura ... it's purple ... it's purple!
"Stubborn creature" Arianna said as he fell to the ground unconscious.
MMLS: (as Arianna) I told him I didn't want to go that far!
JLP: I thought he was frozen in midair.
YMG: You know, words, they get confused ... air, ground, what's the
difference?
"Now lets see how his 'lunch' is."
YMG: Tasty like cherry pie.
SB: So she's beating up this guy and stealing his lunch? That's like
so 1995.
Gollum's "lunch" was the person he was crouching over earlier. She walked over to him and held the light above his head.
MMLS: First she didn't know whether it was a person or a thing, now she
knows that it's a he?
SB: Turkey time gobble gobble!
YMG: O. ... *Dies*
"Wow..." she whispered.
YMG: And then she saw that it was a bag lunch with ham and she's Jewish
and she decided to leave and never come back the end.
MMLS: Please?
It was a young elf, not to mention a very handsome one.
SB: Haldir, Haldir, Haldir ...
MMLS: Celeborn, Celeborn, Celeborn ...
YMG: Elrond, Elrond, Elrond ...
TD: Arwen, Arwen, Arwen ...
YMG: She already said it was a he, idiot.
TD: ... Arwen, Arwen, Arwen.
He had beautiful light blond hair and a smooth face,
YMG: Smooth?
THG: Is she caressing him?
YMG: As opposed to a stucco-textured face?
with the exception of the blood trickling from the side of his head. He was unconscious though.
KEL: *whispers* Vampire!
YMG: Smooth like buttah.
SB: Though? What does his Maybelline complexion have to do with the fact
that he's unconscious.
MMLS: Maybe he's getting his beauty sleep.
Arianna placed he hand gently on his face. He hasn't been out for long... good.
MMLS: (as Arianna) I can rape him!
SB: I love how she has no differentiation between the narration and the
thoughts of the character.
YMG: Maybe that's just how her mind works.
She thought.
MMLS: She thinks?
Her heart jumped as he stirred.
MMLS: Out of her chest, and she died.
ALL: YAY!
He tried to move, but she kept him down.
YMG: Tie your mother down, tie your mother down!
MMLS: Wow, these Mary Sues are really into the whole bondage thing.
SB: Well how else would they be able to keep Legolas from running away?
"Down worry, you are safe with me," she whispered in elfin language. He seemed to calm down at the recognition of his language.
MMLS: Down? Elfin?
JLP: Isn't she a human? Why would he be comforted by her speaking in
"elfin?"
"Where am I..." he whispered.
SB: IN MY TORCHA CHAMBER! FOR TORCHA! ... and death. *See MST3K, episode
#404*
JLP: In my bedroom.
YMG: Somewhere over the rainbow.
SB: Welcome ... to the real world. Mr. Anderson ...
Whoa, thought Arianna, even his voice sounds like velvet.
MMLS: Goldmine!
YMG: She talks like Neo too! They're soul mates.
BTBS: Yeah ... Neo Pets.
"You-" she started.
YMG: I know, Janet, but isn't it nice?
SB: Are simply a figment of my imagination. But I don't have an imagination
...
MMLS: Are soooo beautiful, to meeeeeeeeeeeee! Can't you seeeeeeeeeeee!
YMG: Killed my father, prepare to die!
MMLS: Are my father?
"LEGOLAS!" a faerie yelled as she zoomed right above the two of them, leaving practically no time for Arianna to dodge the incoming person.
ALL: Speechless.
JLP: I thought it was a fairy. I'm sorry "faerie."
SB: Who's the real fairy here ... ?
"Oh my gods, Legolas are you okay?"
YMG: No, he's dead. The end.
ALL: *tear*
the small faerie asked full of concern.
YMG: Uh huh.
"Ugh... Gwaina why did you go on ahead?"
MMLS: Gwaina? What kind of a name is Gwaina?
YMG: What kind of a name is Nevfana? Or Little Dreamer?
the elf apparently called Legolas, moaned.
MMLS: (as Legolas) Oh, Aragorn!
YMG: (as Legolas) Fuck, man, why do I always wake up surrounded by Mary
Sues?
"I am so sorry I went on ahead, are you okay?' a moan replied her question.
YMG: Ssh, Leggieggiweggi needs some private time.
The small faerie looked up and for the first time saw Arianna standing in the corner. "Who are you... and what are you doing here?" "I am..." she paused.
JLP: So, so beautiful?
SB: So, so gay?
YMG: Your father?
JLP: Wait, if she's a faerie wouldn't she know that the other girl's
a faerie princess?
YMG: Nah, she's a real girl now!
If she's a faerie, Arianna thought, then she probably knows that I ran away from Snow Point.
SB: The ski resort?
YMG: The Snow castle, on snow point, on snow mountain, with a snowflake
charm!
MMLS: This story's got snow point.
YMG: Soooo bad. SO, so bad!
SB: Mary sues on ice!
I don't want her to report me.
SB: Sorry, I'm out of dress code again!
YMG: I downloaded the Macarena off Kazaa!
MMLS: I swear, I'll never commit armed robbery again!
BTBS: I'm sorry officer, I'll never frequent this corner again!
Is she trustworthy? "I am Lynna. Your friend here was about to become lunchmeat to that thing, Gollum,
BTBS: Thick or thin sliced?
SB: Bologna? Turkey?
BTBS: Spiced ham?!
over there. I just saved him." She stepped aside to reveal the unconscious Gollum lying on the cave floor.
YMG: Of COURSE the Mary Sue saved him!
SB: Those gollum-scum! They're all the same!
"I am sorry I left you behind Legolas..." the faerie whispered to the elf, obviously done with listening to Arianna. "I didn't think that Gollum would attack you-"
BTBS: Like, the guy at the pet-shop didn't say anything about him turning
into a ferocious creature! He was just so cute and cuddly and I promised to
feed him and brush him and walk him...
YMG: Enter
Courtney.
SB: Who the hell is Courtney?
YMG: You know, the starlet from The Summer Job. Otherwise known
as Chick X who comes in and creates tension and angst between Leggybelle and
the Mary Sue.
"Wait a second!!" Arianna, or Lynna, interrupted angrily.
YMG: Or one of her many other Mary Sue incarnations.
SB: You mean split personalities.
YMG: That too.
"You knew this creature was following you, and you leave him behind?" she yelled.
YMG: Well, who wouldn't leave Legolas behind?
BTBS: Like, duh! If it's him or me, Gollum can go right ahead and gnaw
on his skinny little leg, cause he sure as hell isn't slobbering over MY faerie-princess
gown!
"Hey! He has been following us for our entire journey! Besides Gandalf said he was fine!
YMG: You are so fine!
SB: Do-lang-do-lang-do-lang!
YMG: Wish you were mine!
So we got used to it!" She has a shorter temper than I do, Arianna thought. "He never attacked us before!" the faerie yelled.
BTBS: When Gollums Go Bad. Fox special tonight, after the game.
SB: No, I attacked you, and your brains spilled out into a puddle on
the floor!
For such a short person, she had a loud voice.
YMG: Hmmm...this faerie princess sounds an awful lot like you, BTBS...
SB: You know what being short means...
"Umm... did you find an exit?" the elf speaking startled the two girls.
BTBS: Like, right under the red neon sign that says "Exit!"
Duh.
SB: Emergency exit, right out of this fic!
"B... be quiet Legolas." The faerie told him gently. She looked at Arianna, glared then went back to the elf. "Can you stand?"
MMLS: No! I can't stand this anymore!
He tried to get up, but sank back down with no success, holding his head. "I didn't think you could..." she sighed. "Close your eyes... both of you."
SB: Hmmm...it's starting to sound like Gay Boys in Bondage.
YMG: The new Shakespeare play!
Legolas closed his eyes gladly,
BTBS: Probably couldn't bear the sight of those two broads any longer.
but Arianna was cautious. She finally closed her eyes though. There was a small sound, then a bright flash of light filled the dark cavern.
BTBS: It was Jesus!
She opened her eyes and saw that Legolas looked even worse and bloodier in light.
BTBS: Which is why Orlando Blooms should only be observed in areas with
little or no lighting. They look best in the dark.
SB: Or not observed at all.
Also, the faerie looked sick to her stomach at the sight of his condition.
SB: Wait, she was just sick from the sight of him!
Arianna let her light go out because it was light enough where they were.
SB: Well, the light in her head went off loooong ago.
BTBS: Baby, when your lights, go out...
The small ball of light in her hand went back into her snowflake charm. The faerie took notice of that, and had an odd look on her face. She then took a handkerchief and tied it around Legolas's head, and then murmured something under her breath.
YMG: (as Arianna) You will be my sex slave!
SB: That's just nasty.
A great diamond of light formed above her head and encircled Legolas.
BTBS: What the fuck! How the hell does a diamond encircle? *sigh* I pity
the fool who don't know her geometry...
SB: Hey! Just because I didn't do well in Geometry doesn't mean that...
MMLS: Silly Felicia, we don't mean you.
SB: Thanks, Mitzi.
"Come on, lets go." The faerie said to Arianna. Legolas floated up into the air and went behind the faerie.
SB: I'm going to pretend that there were no grammatical errors in that
sentence.
BTBS: Peter, I'm flying, look, I'm really flying!
YMG: He was floating soooo high-on opium!
They walked on for a while not speaking looking for an exit.
SB: *pointing* The emergency exits are behind the cockpit and over the
wings.
Arianna knew the exit and its location, but didn't mention anything.
YMG: She liked keeping the elf in the dark cave, where they could be
alone.
SB: With the other girl.
MMLS: THREESOME!
She was to busy studying the faerie. She was short, had black short hair and blue eyes, and she was wearing a very odd covering everywhere her dress didn't touch.
BTBS: KY jelly.
She seemed incredibly tense about something though.
MMLS: She knew that she wasn't going to get into college.
The silence, however, soon became unbearable. "What are an elf and a faerie traveling together for?
SB: *speechless*
BTBS: Ooh, I know this one!
YMG: Sex.
And you mentioned some other people, who are they?" Arianna asked.
SB: My sex slaves.
The faerie seemed to be getting agitated, but none the less answered. "
SB: "NONETHELESS." GET THE FRIGGING GRAMMAR CORRECT.
The others are the people we are journeying with. We all split up and I was paired with Legolas."
YMG: In a slash fic!
BTBS: Much to her chagrin, I'm sure.
She paused then remembered something she forgot to mention earlier. "By
the way, my name is Gwaina."
"As you know my name is Lynna, nice to meet you."
YMG: No, not nice.
Arianna lied about the first part, but she was partially glad she met the two of them. "If you are a faerie why are you so short?"
SB: We all know what that means....
This girl is just to curious not to ask about, Arianna thought.
JLP: I curious, you curious, we all curious.
YMG: (as Lynna) I'm not a pervert, I'm just curious!
"Nosey..." Gwaina mumbled getting even more agitated with all the questions. "My clan is naturally small, also I was raised by Bilbo Baggins...
JLP: He's only three feet tall.
SB: Hmmm...comes up to the waist.
MMLS: You see, I started tall, but overexposure to hobbits stunted my
growth. Beware! Nancing with hobbits stunts your growth!
YMG: Yeah, you know.
MMLS: *whaps across head*
from the Shire, so that must have stunted my height somewhat."
YMG: Nah, she just drank too much coffee.
SB: Or Moloko Plus.
Gwaina paused. "What about you, why did you come here?"
SB: (as Adriana) Like duh! To get laid!
She seems so tense, not to mention short tempered. "I was exploring because I live near this area."
SB: In a dumpster.
Arianna said. Gwaina smirked, and kept walk-... er... floating. She was flying above the ground.
YMG: She's so hiiiiiiiiigh.
They were now out of the tunnel, which was good, but the look of that smirk was unsettling.
YMG: An Alex smirk?
SB: Muahahahah.
She started to wonder if she gave anything away about her true identity.
ALL: SHE'S A MAN!
Gwaina glanced back again, this time though without the smirk. She bore a shocked and slightly curious expression, but only for a split second. Arianna now was sure that she had just said something revealing.
SB: I have nothing to say.
YMG: I think we all know that she's a he.
************** A/N: SO? What do you think? How is it coming along so far??? Great? Crappy? Good? Need major improvement? Please review and tell me!!!
The Management: I think you know what we think.