can be read here
JLP: *singing* Across the sea. . .A PALE MOON RISES!
YMG: ... we will be forced to read these stupid stories. Like poor Simon on American Idol.
JLP: And since, last I checked, the Moon is just a giant, spherical rock orbiting around the Earth, chances are it won't wake up any time soon. *growl* Curse the girl who told us to MST Elijah fics!
Chapter 1
When I was driving down the highway towards
YMG: Booorrn to be wiiilllldd!
Elijah's house, listening to my club mixed CD,
YMG: So it was mixed at a club? Or has it got club mixes on it?
MMLS: Who cares.
JLP: (As Untitled.doc) And then my car crashed and I died. The end.
I had the entire stretch of road to myself.
YMG: How likely.
SB: I think we're in Kansas.
JLP: SB, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore.
YMG: I wish I were home.
This one song on my CD had came up
SB: ... and it was "hey ya" by Outkast – the Dom/Elijah grinding song!
YMG: Had came up?
JLP: Wait, how does a song come up on a CD? It starts playing. Stupid author.
BTBS: ... and the graves yielded up their dead ...
and it reminded me of the time when I first met Elijah.
JLP: ‘T was at TRL, when he and Dom were grinding.
YMG: ‘T was the Night before Christmas, and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even YOUR MOM.
BTBS: (as the author) He was sitting in the sandbox, fondling his little friend Bobby.
It was our freshman year in high school.
YMG: I thought Elijah Wood never went to High School.
SB: Yeah, but do you think that really matters to a fanfiction author?
YMG: Yeah, but aren't the people obsessed enough to write fanfiction usually fans enough to know that?
SB: Eh.
I was always considered a 'redhead with a gun' by everyone who didn't know me personally.
BTBS: ANNIE, GET YOUR GUN!
YMG: And this has what to do with Elijah?
JLP: Uh, if they don't know you, then why would they talk about you?
YMG: Who, then, would want to know you personally?
SB: I bet Elijah will ...
My friends called me a 'redhead in black with claws.'
JLP: Some friends.
YMG: That sounds like some sort of sadistic impressionist painting.
BTBS: Sounds more like Smaug the dragon to me.
JLP: Rawr.
That's how I was described to people, I either had a gun or claws.
YMG: Or if you're Vincent Valentine, both.
JLP: What does this have to do with anything? Is this some sort of pathetic way to make us pity this Mary Sue? *pause* What's her name, anyway?
Nobody could talk to me without noticing my eyes.
YMG: Because they were missing.
Some had said that my eyes were so blue, they were gray.
YMG: and so grey, they were orange, and so orange, they were spotted, and so spotted ...
JLP: Eek! The silver-blue-purple eyes of the Apocalypse! *twitch* But wait: what's so different about gray eyes?
I wasn't so sure about that, but whatever floats their boat...
YMG: WHOSE boat?
BTBS: *sings* The LOOOVE Boat, soon we'll be making another...
SB: ... which has so much to do with her eyes or the first time she had met Elijah.
JLP: Whatever floats your—hey, quit stealing my sayings!
The day that I met Elijah, we had been studying Shakespeare's "Romeo and Juliet"
YMG: Hey, isn't that a scene in "Get Real?"
JLP: So wait: the song on her club-mixed CD that she was listening to talks about a really scary red-headed girl in black with guns and claws—and is somewhat special, perfect, and misunderstood nonetheless—who meets an effeminate boy who's screwing Dom and shouldn't even BE in High School and they were studying "Romeo and Juliet" and go through a rocky, screwed up relationship?
YMG: Or maybe it's just a sad and lonely song about people's fucked up lives.
JLP: Yeah. It could be that.
YMG: and if they "had been" studying Romeo and Juliet, wouldn't they, you know, have been introduced at one point?
BTBS: Oh Romeo, Romeo, wherefore are thou Romeo? Deny thy boyfriend and refuse thy Dom!
and were also finishing up the movie.
Around the time where Juliet had discovered Romeo
YMG: (was gay)
and then killed herself,
ALL: YAY!
some of the guys had told the entire class that Elijah was crying.
YMG: Awwwwwwwwwww ... shut the fuck up ...
JLP: Well, the version I saw was really sad. No, not the one with Leonardo Di Craprio.
YMG: He's just so, so sensitive. Real nice. Real lady's man.
SB: Real lady.
JLP: And that is why, ladies, gentlemen, and all you other people, Elijah Wood Is Very, Very Gay.
MMLS: 9.7!
For the rest of class, Elijah was being quietly teased while no one noticed
YMG: Oh, I bet SHE noticed, DIDN'T she?
JLP: They always notice. *twitch*
that he wasn't the only one who cried during the movie.
JLP: --Because nobody ever notices the redhead with guns and claws, AKA Untitled.doc. Or whatever her name is. In fact, nobody ever noticed someone with guns and claws. They're just so ... so ... inconspicuous.
SB: It's Inconspicuous Woman!
YMG: Nobody knows the troubles I've seen!
After class, I went to talk to Elijah, hoping that I could make him feel a little better.
JLP: Woo.
BTBS & YMG simultaneously: I heard that you were feeling ill, headache, fever, and a chill!
When I got to his desk, he was putting his books into his backpack. As soon as he saw me, he threw me a really bad look.
JLP: Hiyah! *throws an evil look*
YMG: I'm throwing a really bad look at you!
BTBS: Of course, being a Mary Sue with her McFucking perfect reflexes, she was able to dodge it.
"If you're going to tease me," he said, "you're going to have to wait until after school."
BTBS: And join the queue.
YMG: Because I have home-ec right now.
"Well," I replied, "I don't know what gave you that idea, but I just wanted to see if you were okay. After seeing those guys threaten you like that, I was just a bit concerned."
YMG: Whoa, when was there any threatening?
SB: I didn't see any threatening.
JLP: Me neither.
Elijah finished packing his bag and stood up. When he looked at me, it was as though he saw straight through my powder white makeup and baggy black pants.
YMG: What?
SB: What the hell is she wearing?
YMG: She's a mime! *dies laughing*
FQ: Mimes? Mimes are scary creatures. Mimes kill people. Mimes can rip out your intestines faster than you can say ... something.
JLP: So she's ... a redheaded mime in black with guns and claws. Interesting.
YMG: I always thought mimes were in black and white. I guess Mary Sue Mimes are in Pastel Technicolor.
JLP: WAIT! I get it now! The black clothes! The red hair! The cakey white makeup! The guns! The claws! She's *pause* an Evil!Irish mercenary clown!
"Thanks," Elijah said, he was a bit embarrassed,
JLP: Uh. . .wha?
"where's your next class?" "E building. What about yours?"
YMG: (as Alex) I lived with my dada and mum in flat-block 18-A.
"I think we might have the same class.
JLP: Yeah, they were only in the same class watching the same movie.
I'm pretty sure that I've seen you."
YMG: (as Elijah) I know you, I walked with you once upon a dream!
SB: (as Untitled.doc) Oi.
"Well, it's still the beginning of school and I'm still trying to figure this school and my schedule out."
YMG: And yet they've managed to finish Romeo + Juliet.
MMLS: Maybe he's just confused.
YMG: Aren't we all ...
JLP: He's also confused about his sexuality. Even though he's screwing Dom. But he still doesn't know.
That day Elijah and I really bonded.
SB: With superglue.
JLP: *like a Hippie* Yeah, we, like, really bonded that day, and it was so FAR OUT.
He and I would always write notes to each other in class
JLP: Tch. That is SO 5th grade!
YMG: (as Untititled.doc) and he would always tell me about his mad wild sex with Dom the night before.
BTBS: *reading note from Elijah* "OMG! Have you SEEN Becky's butt? It's, like, SO BIG, Mm-kay?"
and also wreak havoc on unsuspecting people.
JLP: With guns! And claws!
The rest of the year flew by faster than what I would've guessed. Around the last few months of school,
JLP: Wow. That's seven months in two sentences.
this guy that I liked would play hackey sack with his friends
JLP: Hackey sack? Is she in love with a first grader or something? That's a 5th grader and a 1st grader, ladies, gentlemen, and SB.
BTBS: He wouldn't play hackey sack with his friends. That's a typo. It's really, "This guy that I liked would JUMP IN the sack with his (male) friends."
really close to where my friends and I would sit.
JLP: But I thought she didn't have real friends. *goes all dark and creepy* YOU HAVE NO FRIENDS. AND NOW YOU MUST DIE....
BTBS: So. Sitting nearby while Elijah jumped in the sack with his "friends."
At lunch, I usually hung out with three other girls; my best friend and two other best friends.
JLP: My best friend and my two other best friends? Why doesn't she just save us some time and write, "My three best friends?"
BTBS: I love the fact that she doesn't consider them of enough consequence to name the bitches. "Like, my best friend Jane Doe and my two other best friends, Thing 1 and Thing 2."
YMG: Yeah, but she doesn't even consider herself of enough consequence to name.
JLP: But WAIT! I know! I know her name is! Her name is...UNTITLED.DOC!
Elijah and I didn't eat lunch with each other that year,
JLP: I thought they were friends. Why wouldn't they be sitting with each other anyway?
BTBS: I dunno. I wouldn't eat lunch with Elijah if I could help it. I wouldn't be able to keep my food down.
but every time he came over something always seemed to happen.
JLP: Like breathing. And eating. Oooh. The angsty angst.
BTBS: *cue dramatic music* "And then, one day, as I was eating a quarter of my rice-cake for lunch like the anorexic bitch that I am, Elijah came over and guess what?"
JLP: He told her she was fat?
BTBS: No. He smacked her punk-ass down and the ensuing catfight—
JLP: WITH GUNS AND CLAWS!
BTBS: --rid us of two problems at once.
One day when my crush, Christian, was absent Elijah had come over to talk for a bit.
JLP: The drama. The angsty, teen soap opera drama.
BTBS: *as Elijah* "Umm, Untitled.doc? Can I like, talk to you a sec? *voice drops to a whisper* I slept with my boyfriend Dom and I think I'm pregnant. They told me to talk to you."
After several minutes, Elijah and I were flirting a lot
JLP: Jesus. . . .
and some of Christian's friends seemed to notice it. The hackey sack players
JLP: The hackey sack players with no name, no quest, no favorite color, and no socio-economic status.
called Elijah over there and were telling him something that I couldn't hear.
JLP:( as Generic Hackey Sack Player) Umm, Lijah, dude? That girl over there? Dude, I think she's a dude. Dude.
JLP: Eep! A Generic Hackey Sack Player! *cuddles*
JLP:( as Generic Hackey Sack Player) *primal scream*
When they were done, Elijah left to go to his usual place during lunch.
BTBS: The Pink Flamingo Gay Bar around the corner.
I grabbed my best friend and we went off to find Elijah. When we had found him, he was calmly taking to some of his friends.
BTBS: TAKING TO HIS FRIENDS! THAT IS THE BEST TYPO EVER!
MMLS: Is it like the Biblical "to know"?
JLP: Taking to his friends? What? And does he even HAVE any friends?
I asked him what those hackey sack guys had asked him.
JLP: *sob* The hackey sack guys are real people yanno!
MMLS: No they aren't.
JLP: Shut up.
"Oh," Elijah said, laughing, "they just asked me if I was going out with you."
JLP: *as Elijah* "I told them I was going out with the OTHER sexy man. *licks lips* Oh, wait. You're a girl?"
"And," I said, "what did you say?" "I told them 'no'. They also to me that you and Christian have a 'thing.'"
JLP: *sings* That thaaaaaaannggggggg.
BTBS: *giggles* Tee hee. A thing. *as Elijah* I heard you have a ... "thing." Y'know where I can get one?
"A thing? What's that supposed to mean?" "Uh..you and him have a thing?"
JLP: Aw. . .that's so naďve. And candide.
I was getting frustrated by the second.
BTBS: That makes no sense. WTF? Where's the "more" before the frustrated?
YMG: Same place as her name. Nowhere.
MMLS: *as the second* YES! My evil plan is working! She's getting frustrated because of me!
Why did those guys get upset at Elijah?
JLP: The generic hackey sack players weren't upset! They just asked a question!
YMG: Is the Little Pill defending the hackey sack players!
JLP: I feel bad for them! The author created them and just tossed them aside! I shall call them Squishy, and they shall be mine, and they shall be my Squishy.
BTBS: I could say the same for Billy. BILLY IS MY SQUISHY! *cuts herself off in the middle of fangirlyness*
A lot of thoughts were running through my head.
BTBS: *as Untitled.doc* Woe is me! Thoughts running through my head! I cannot stand the pounding of their feet!
When I was holding onto my head,
BTBS: As it had become severed after JLP had her way with her.
MMLS: She has a HEAD? Wow... never expected that coming...
Elijah stood up and gave me a big hug.
JLP: *as Elijah* "Like, OH MY GOD, now that we've hugged, we're close friends, and we can go MALLING together! This is like, SO KEWL!"
MMLS: He's her new gay best friend!
BTBS: Available at a KB-Toys near you!
Even though I had my eye on a different guy, Elijah sure knew how to make a girl feel special.
JLP: Or a guy. Or both.
MMLS: Just proves my previous point. They always make you feel special but they never want to go out with you... Damn those gay boys! *sniffles and cries*
BTBS: *thwaps the author* Besides. I'm not even sure Elijah is a "gay boy." He'd have to be a "boy" for that to apply.
MMLS: We'd have to ask Dom about his qualifications...
The rest of our time at high school, things were definitely odd.
BTBS: Some might say QUEER.
Some other things that happened were way too embarassing to think about again.
BTBS: If I consorted with the likes of Elijah, I DEFINITELY would be too embarrassed to think about it again.
MMLS: Umm... Embarrassing? Like her walking in on Elijah and Dom in the guys' locker room? I wouldn't call it embarrassing... I'd stay and watch.
BTBS: Yeah, ‘cos that's not embarrassing. That's a fucking miracle.
All that I can say is that Elijah gave me my first kiss and a lot of other firsts.
BTBS: He gave me my first dye job.
MMLS: And I was finally able to watch gay porn for free!
JLP: Wow. We know where this fic is going!
Now that we've been out of high school for some time, Elijah and I have never been closer.
BTBS: *gets mental picture of Elijah and Untitled.doc chained together with a cement block round their necks as they get tossed off the Golden Gate bridge*
MMLS: They aren't closer in THAT way. Because Dom and Elijah are closer in THAT way. The closest SHE'LL ever get to Elijah is a kiss on a cheek.
Suddenly, I was reminded that I was still driving on the road.
JLP: Uh, "End Flashback?" Wow, that was odd.
BTBS: Because of her lack of concentration on her driving, she crashed into a tree, thereby causing an explosion of massive proportions and burning Elijah and herself to a bloody crisp. The End.
MMLS: And what a happy end it was!
I nearly missed the exit to get to Elijah's apartment. After making a few twists and turns, I finally reached Elijah's apartment.
JLP: S-E-X time!
MMLS: But it's not natural!
I climbed the few flights of steps to get his door. When I knocked, Elijah opened the door and
JLP: stared at her strangely. "It's you. Oh, I wasn't expecting you, uh, what's your name again?" Elijah asked me. "Untitled.doc," I answered, staring into his beautiful baby blue eyes (GAG). "Oh, yes Untitled.doc, I remember you," he continued. "Listen, I'm expecting someone. Dom—uh, yeah. Goodbye." He slammed the door on me and I cried, taking out my guns and claws and killing people.
gave me the biggest kiss I ever had.
YMG: And by big, she means what? Did he swallow her head?
BTBS: The chocolate kind. And dogs are allergic to chocolate. And being the dog she is she choked on it and DIED!
YMG: And Then the bomb dropped. The End.
JLP: Is she going to continue this?
YMG: Yep.
JLP: Oooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh crap.
BTBS: Heh, it can be "Untitled2.doc"
JLP: And guess what, ladies and germs, we were rereading the summary to this badfic and found out that Untitled.doc's REAL name is Persephone. *pause* Rawr.