... by YMG
Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire (in 15 Minutes)
By D.W. Griffith
O, it was Nosferatu who brought the plague to Bremin!
Samuel L. Jackson: There are snakes in this movie!
Janitor: A light through yonder window breaks! Those crazy kids. Well, even though they're scary, I might as well put the kettle on before I go hassle them.
Janitor: Um, hi.
Wormtail: Hello.
Voldemort: *Zap*
Kettle: *Scream reference!*
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Meanwhile, in greener pastures …
Cedric: Hi! I’m Cedric.
Harry: Oh. Do I know you?
Cedric: Nope!
Harry: Okay …
Cedric: But I go to your school!
Harry: Sure … Now what are we doing with this ruddy boot?
Arthur: It’s called a portkey, Harry. Don’t worry, it comes back later in the story.
Harry: I’ll take your word for it.
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Bird’s eye view of a lush CG landscape.
Audience: Hey! I spy the Castle Rock logo!
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At Dodger Stadium the crowd goes wild.
Draco: I’m rich.
Ron: I’m poor.
Fred &
George: Go Ireland!
Ron: I have a man crush on Action Jackson.
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Later, in a Capital One commercial not far away…
Arthur: That’s no Blarney brawl! Let’s get out of here!
Harry: *trip*
All: *Run off.*
Ten minutes later …
Harry: No! It’s not fair! There was time now! There was time!
All: Gee, we, uh, have been looking all over for you. *cough.*
Harry: there was a man. A dragon man. Actually he was just-
Hermione: Look, in the sky! The bat signal!
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On the Polar Express
Harry: I’m rich.
Ron: I’m poor.
Lady: Any sweets today?
Harry: Nothin’ but sweet lovin’, baby.
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More lush CG landscape
Audience: Hey! I spy the Columbia Tri-Star logo! And the Black Pearl! But pff, that looked way cooler in the trailer.
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Hall of Great
Dumbledore: I have an announcement to make. Whoever owns the white Chevy with license plate number-
Harry: I luv skool!
Dumbledore: blah blah - not for the faint of heart! Or those with high blood pressure or who may be pregnant.
Audience: Oh no! A flock of Mr. B Naturals!
Ron: Ooh la la!
Bulgarians: Ra Ra Rasputin, lover of the Russian Queen!
Dumbledore: blah blah – eternal glory of the spotless mind –
Dean: Hey, it’s Mad Eye Moody! He’s an auror!
All: Aura, aura, aura …
Parvati: Your aura is purple. Purple!
Ron: I bet that’s not pumpkin juice he’s drinking.
Moody: I bet it is. Bitch.
Dumbledore: blah blah – no turning back!
Harry: Should I be scared yet?
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Meanwhile, at Notre Dame …
*scary noises flash boom!*
Audience: Uh, okay …
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Class of Ever-changing teacherage!
Moody: Today I’m going to show you how to torture animals!
Ron: Yay!
All: Boo!
Neville: *heartburn*
Moody: There’s the rub!
Dean: He didn’t say “aye, there’s the rub.” Get it? Eye? Cos he doesn’t-
Moody: *kablam*
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We’re at school!
Stair shot: Hi! I’m the stair shot! I’m in every film!
Audience: Boo!
Neville: *Heartburn*
Moody: C’mon, kid. I’ve got some Zantac.
Window: I weep for the youth of this world.
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Hall of Eating Things
Bulgarians: Ra Ra Rasputin, Russia’s greatest love machine!
Dumbledore: Is Fleur hot?
Goblet of fire: Yes.
Dumbledore: Is Krum a communist?
Goblet of Fire: All signs point to yes.
Dumbledore: Will Cedric live?
Goblet of Fire: Try again later.
Ron: Why is this movie rated PG-13?
Dumbledore: … go down … hoist …
Harry: Dunno.
Trophy: Keep on down, keep on down the road!
Dumbledore: Harry Potter? Harry Potter?
Ron: I’m Harry Potter!
Dean: I’m Harry Potter!
Harry: I’m Harry Potter!
Dumbledore: Here. Your parking has been validated.
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Some other room
Wizards: Rabble rabble!
Dumbledore: Did you put your name in the hat?
Harry: No.
Dumbledore: ‘Kay. Just checking.
McGonagall: He’s a boy, not a piece of meat!
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Rapunzel’s tower
Audience: Harry, you shop at the GAP?
Ron: How could you!
Harry: It was a mistake! Can’t you see that?
Ron: How could you do this to your best friend!
Harry: I didn’t intend for this to happen!
Audience: For what to happen?
Harry: My getting picked for the tournament.
Audience: Oooh.
Harry: Why, what did you think I was talking about?
Audience: Nothing …
Ron: *sniffle.*
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Somwhere else
Rita: I love little boys!
Audience: Mrs. Victor!
Rita: I hate little girls! *slap*
Fleur: Salope!
Rita: C’mon with me Harry, into this uncomfortably small broom closet.
Harry: Okie dokie.
Rita: What a handsome twelve year-old you are!
Harry: Eep. I’m fourteen.
Rita: Well, let’s just pretend. Now, tell me about your psychotic death wish-
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High above the mucky muck
Sirius: Dear Harry—meet me at 8 PM. Wear something dashing. I don’t bite. Hard.
Harry: A date!
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Common room
Harry: Sirius! You’re looking hot today!
Audience: …
Harry: He wanted me!
Audience: …
Harry: It was only a dream, right?
Sirius: Right.
Audience: Sure …
Sirius: Hogwarts isn’t a safe place anymore.
Harry: Um, was it ever?
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River bank. Of what river?
Harry: Gee, I love canoe trips down the Cahoulawassee.
Neville: *Dueling Banjos.*
Hermione: Ron told me to tell you that Dean said that-
Harry: Whatever.
Hermione: I’m not an owl! I’m a doctor.
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Enchanted Forest™
Hagrid: I’m on a date! You can watch if you want to.
Harry: Ew.
Hagrid: Dragons!
Harry: Wizard!
Hagrid: *thwap*
Dragon keeper: Shoot her! Shoot her!
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Courtyard of the Sullen Moon
Boys: Touch touch, bounce bounce, giggle!
Harry: Um, Cedric, am I interrupting something?
Cedric: Nah, just some physical fun between heterosexual men!
Draco: I’m a ferret!
Fangirls: Te he, how cute and amusing! Let’s turn this into a fan inside joke, even though millions of people have already read the book, te he!
McGonagall: Bad Moody!
Moody: *swig*
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Moody’s lair
Harry: Mr. Moody, what do you keep in that man-sized trunk?
Moody: Uh, nothing man-sized.
Harry: Okay. Why do you have a titanium peg leg?
Moody: Me mother was a T-1000.
Harry: Oh.
Moody: My turn to ask the questions. What are your strengths?
Harry: My milky white complexion? I can run away pretty fast too.
Moody: *swig*
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Winner’s tent at the carnival
Hermione: Harry!
Harry: Hermione!
Hermione: Why is there a camera in your tent!
Harry: I don’t know, but get out of my close up!
Rita: Porn! In the paper if he dies!
Hermione: Eh … I have a feeling this is going to cause a bigger rift between Harry and Ron.
Rita: Nope!
Hermione: Okay then.
Crouch: Pocket Monsters!
Fleur: I got the glib reference to the Welsh Flag!
Krum: I got the Chinese Firecracker!
Cedric: I got the Swedish Chef!
Harry: I got the scary one. Great.
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Audience: Oh man, these dragon fights are going to be cool!
Dumbledore: Now that all three real contestants have finished, let’s see how Harry does!
Audience: *Hiss.*
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Rooftop. More CG!
Dragon: I hate shingles! I really hate shingles!
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Hermione: OMFG!11!!!!!
A room with Medieval tapestry wallpaper. How tacky.
Harry: I’ve got a golden ticket!
Ron: Sorry I was a tool. I bought you another sweater from the GAP.
Harry: Yay!
Hermione: I <3 boiz!
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Hall of even more eating!
Nigel: Hey …
Harry: Go away.
Nigel: Why did I think he’d ever go out with me? Stupid, stupid!
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The gym
McGonagall: Homecoming dance!
All: *groan*
McGonagall: Unique New York!
Ron: There’s a fat chick over there.
Harry: Yep.
-----
Neville: No one puts baby in the corner!
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Class of magical mixing
Harry: exposition!
Ron: Exposition!
Audience: Hi, Snape!
Snape: *glare*
Audience: Bye, Snape!
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Snowy Peaks of Tibet
Harry: Roooseeeebud!
Cho: So … we’re in the snow.
Harry: Yep.
Cho: I’m Irish and I’m Asian.
Harry: Yep.
Cho: And I won't go out with you.
Harry: *singletear*
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Rapunzel’s tower. Again.
Harry: Oh magic egg, let me stroke you, stroke, stroke … mmm …
Audience: Gaah!
Ron: I’m poor! Murder me!
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Hall of many activities
Harry: Dude, Hermione got hot.
Ron: Uh, eh, no!
Hermione: I feel like I’m in She’s All That!
Krum: Heil, Hermione.
All: Stereotypical high school dance moves, woohoo!
Band: We rock!
All: We wish you were Franz Ferdinand!
McGonagall: Yep, in one night, our great reputation hath been tarnished.
Hermione: Hot, aren’t I? I mean, hot, isn’t it?
Ron: No!
Hermione: Hey, you had a crush on him first!
Ron: La la la la!
Hermione: You should have asked me out first.
Ron: Harry!
Hermione: Go to bed! Both of you!
Harry: … What?
One wet dream later …
Harry: Mom, no, mom-
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Asian Bridge to nowhere
Harry: Krum eh?
Hermione: He’s very physical. I mean, he’s a cunning linguist.
Cedric: Hey, Potter. You know that bathroom on the 5th floor?
Harry: Uh, yeah?
Cedric: It’s a nice place to get naked and scrub down, if you know what I mean.
Harry: …
Cedric: You should take your egg into the water and think for a while.
Harry: Was that a come on?
Cedric: I guess you’ll just have to go there and find out.
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Sketchy bathroom
Mermaid: Hi. I represent the transsexual minority group.
Audience: Great abs, btw.
Mermaid: thx!
Harry: I feel naked.
Myrtle: You are. And the last boy ran out of soap bubbles.
Harry: Eep.
Myrtle: Do you like oysters, Harry?
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The Black Lagoon
Neville: Eat this.
Harry: I’m Aqua man!
Krum: I’m a shark!
Hermione: You bet you are, sailor!
Harry: I don’t get it … Ron’s my special person?
Ron: *sniffle*
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Headmaster’s office of random junk
Moody: Potty’s crashing our party.
Fudge: Drat.
Previously on Harry Potter
Igor: I can name names!
Crouch: Tell us or you will be blacklisted.
Igor: Arthur Miller-
Crouch: I meant Death Eaters.
Igor: Oh. Right. This person you know, that person you know, Snape-
Crouch: Actually Snape is a spy for our side. Not that I should tell you that as you are a death eater, but what the hell.
Igor: Oh yeah, and your son.
Crouch: gasp! I have no son!
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Harry: Oh Ceasar, what dreams I have had!
Dumbledore: Pipe down. Have this candy that will eat your face.
Harry: ‘Kay.
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Another sketchy closet
Harry: I saw Snape and Igor in the closet making babies and I saw one of the babies and it smiled at me!
Snape: Stop taking my drugs, boy.
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The Overlook Hotel
Dumbledore: Cedric gets to go first.
Cedric: Steve Holt!
Audience: Hey, this looks like the Shining. Or a map from Unreal Tournament. And why is the band playing the theme from Independence Day?
Fleur: I have a track suit!
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It’s the Maze card!
Krum: The precious!
Fleur: Help, I’m being raped by trees in an obvious reference to a 1982 horror film starring Bruce Campbell!
Cedric: Help!
Harry: I’ll save you.
Cedric: Thanks pal. Let’s blow this thing and go home.
Harry: Let’s touch that object at the same time!
Audience: Hey, isn’t that just like the beginning of the movie when-
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Christmas yet to come
Harry: it was a portkey! Whaddya know.
Cedric: Weird! We're at the Haunted Mantion!
Harry: This grave … it says Ebenezer Scrooge!
Cedric: Actually it says Thomas Riddle.
Harry: Oh, that makes more sense.
Wormtail: I must spill your blood over this pirate gold.
Harry: Whatev.
Voldemort: I’m alive!
Cedric: I’m not!
Harry: How easily bamboozled I was!
Voldemort: Does it hurt when I go like this? Huh? Huh?
Harry: Owchies.
Voldemort: Now I, Amon Goeth, and my trusty band of Klansmen shall take over the world!
Harry: Why don’t you have a nose?
Voldemort: Silence!
Harry: You look like those Kamino things from Attack of the Clones.
Voldemort: Lies!
Harry: And why is your name pronounced Rafe?
Voldemort: Crucio!
Harry: I suppose I deserved that.
Voldemort: Yes you did.
Harry: Have it your way!
Voldemort: What, you working for McDonald’s now?
Harry: Hiyah! We’re all connected, New York Telephone!
Voldemort: I see your Schwartz is as big as mine!
Ghosts: Let go, Harry.
Harry: Okay, dead parents and competitor. And janitor person.
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Back at the tournament
All: Yay! They’re alive!
Harry: Actually, he’s dead.
All: Oh.
-----
Rapunzel’s tower.
Dumbledore: I’ve put you in terrible danger this year. How do you like the bells I have attached to my beard? Aren’t they neat? They jingle when I walk!
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Obligatory Funeral
Dumbledore: He was a good kid. Even though we never knew him before this year, he will be sorely missed.
Draco: Who?
-----
Bridge to Terebethia
Hermione: Things are going to change!
Ron: I feel it in the water.
Harry: Yep.
Hermione: You have to write to me over the summer, mkay!!
Ron: Nope.
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And as the students ride off into the sunset, Oscar Michaux plans his rebuttal …
The End.