... by YMG, with additional comments by BTBS
AN AEROSMITH VIDEO
Harry: God, I wish I could look at my porn with a flashlight. Damned batteries. *Lumos!*
Dursleys: What’s all that flashing?
Dudley: They have the Northern Lights this time of year, don’t they?
Max de Winter: That’s not the Northern Lights … that’s Manderley!
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DURSLEY’S HOUSE OF PAIN
Harry: I got invited to the prom …
Dursleys: Back in the kitchen, wench! *lights flicker*
Audience: Poor Cinderelli!
Aunt Marge: Wench, be demeaning!
Harry: *is demeaning*
Aunt Marge: Garcon!
Harry: Oui, Madame?
Aunt Marge: Your mother was a drunken whore.
Harry: …
Aunt Marge: And your father was a turnip!
Harry: …
Aunt Marge: Actually, Harry, Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelt of elderberries!
Harry: You take that back! I’m gwine cut yo ass, bitch!
Aunt Marge: Never!
Harry: *does some magic* I hate you all! Peace! *bounces*
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THE INCREDIBLE BREAKING BUS
Harry: Wow, this bus is weird.
Shrunken Head: Ya tink?
Harry: *splat*
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THE LEAKY CAULDRON
Tom: You’re wet.
Harry: Yes. It’s raining.
Tom: I think, perhaps, you’d better come inside.
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Fudge: Harry, I’m just here so we can skip some plot. We found your aunt in Sheffield.
Harry: Okay. Am I in trouble?
Fudge: You, in trouble? But you’re Harry Potter!
Draco: *in Malfoy Mansion* Damn you, Potter! *sulks*
Harry: Oh. I forgot that part.
Fudge: I got all your books. Wanna go on a date?
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Weasleys: Harry!
Harry: Weasleys? Why are you here?
Weasleys: We’re all trying out for Pop Idol.
Harry: Right.
Arthur: Harry, I’d like you to meet my cousin, Conan O’Brian.
Conan: Hi.
Arthur: and his son, John Stevens.
John: Yo.
Harry: …
Ron: Lookie, I’m in the paper!
Harry: Hey, is that Sca –
Ron: Shh, that’s not in the script!
Bookites: Wait a minute …
Arthur: Harry, I’m sorry to do this, but I’m going to have to relay some misinformation to you concerning Sirius Black. *misinforms him about Sirius Black*
Harry: Why would I go looking for someone who wants to kill me?
Arthur: I dunno. You did it in the last two movies.
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HOGWART’S TRAIN OF SOUL SUCKING
Freddie Mercury: Somehow, we have to make this final breakthru…
Ron: Who’s this guy here? *poke poke*
Lupin: *mumble* I was at Rocky Horror last night, I’m tired, leeme alone!
Hermione: Remus J. Lupin.
Ron: How did you know that?
Hermione: It’s monogrammed on his purse.
Dementors: Give us the ring, Frodo!
Harry: I think you’ve got the wrong –
Dementors: *suck*
Harry: Gandalf …
Lupin: By my life or death, I will protect you!
Harry: *faints*
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HOGWARTS
Choir: La la la la something wicked this way comes!
Draco: Harry you suck.
Harry: I know.
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HOGWARTS HALL OF SOYLENT GREEN
Harry: You’re the dude! The dude from the train!
Lupin: Yes, Harry, my name is Remus Lupin. Say … would you like to hear my Frank Sinatra impression?
Harry. No.
Lupin: What about Patti Page? Dean Martin? Bobby Darin?
Harry: Uh … *backs away*
Lupin: Oh well. I’ll just put on some records and pretend … I like to pretend … would you like to dance, Harry?
Harry: *runs away*
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GRYFFINDOR TOWER
Ron: Rawr.
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WHEN MAGICAL BEASTS ATTACK
Draco: I'm going to eat an apple. D'ya hear that? An apple!
Hagrid: Harry, he likes you. Wanna go for a test drive?
Harry: No.
Hagrid: There ya go!
Harry: Aaaaah!
Buckbeak: I tried out for Lord of the Rings, but I got shafted. Damned eagles.
Harry: I’m king of the world!
Draco: Hey, I want to talk to animals like a Disney Princess too! Hey, pidgeon, pidgeon!
Buckbeak: *Swipe*
Draco: Oh, my pain, it hurts! My kidneys!
Hermione: You got hit in the ARM, asshole.
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CHATTY CATHY EXPOSITION TIME
Draco: TIS ONLY A FLESH WOUND!
Pansy: Coo?
Seamus: There's a sale at JcPenney!
All: Wha?
Seamus: I mean, Black's been sighted!
Bem: That's right. Black could be anywhere.
All: ...
Harry: You know ... you're-
Bem:: Ssh!
Harry: Hey, do you even go here?
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ALAN RICKMAN’S CLASS OF THE DEAD SEXY
Snape: Turn to page 394.
Fangirls: Ooh.
Snape: Turn to page 394.
Fangirls: Aah.
Snape: Turn to page 394!
Fangirls: Take it off!
Snape: *facepalm*
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SOME CLASS OF MAGICAL SOMETHING
Lupin: Riddikulus!
Class: Um. Okay.
Lupin: So guys, what’s scary?
Neville: Professor Snape!
Audience: WHOA! When did he get hot?
Puberty: *rejoices*
Lupin: Okay … now, imagine Snape in drag!
Audience: Ew, why?
Lupin: Cos it’s funny. And hot. *puts on swing record* Hey, does anyone want to hear my Lena Horne impression?
Class: NO!
Snape: Funny this … I thought I was auditioning for Angie’s long lost cousin on Eastenders.
Neville: Riddikulus!
Snape: I look Riddikulus.
Lupin: Oh well. Ron, your turn.
Ron: Spiders …
Harry: from Mars?
Ron: What?
Harry: Nothing.
Aragog: *appears* The shield generator will be down in moments. You may start your landing. *skates away*
Lupin: Parvati?
Cobra: *appears* Sssssex.
Audience: A snake, a snake, always a snake!
Cobra: *turns into man-eating clown*
Audience: Holy shit! *Flees theater*
Lupin: *wonders how a snake is more scary than a man-eating clown* Harry?
Harry: Hmm … I’m scared of …
Lupin: Crap! I wasn’t supposed to let you participate.
Harry: Why is everybody out to get me? *faints*
Lupin: Why does he keep fainting?
Draco: Maybe he’s anemic or something.
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ON A MAGICAL PROMENADE
Harry: Will you be my Yoda?
Lupin: Sure. Have some chocolate.
Harry: But I’m on a diet!
Lupin: Don’t worry. It’s carb free. Now fight this boggart.
Harry: *faints* *a closeup of his wand reveals the Nike logo.*
Lupin: I didn’t Expecto Patronum you to get it on your first try. Here's some more chocolate.
Harry: Why do you have all this candy, anyway?
Lupin: I'm addicted to caffeine.
Harry: And why is your classroom decorated like the Marquis de Sade's cell?
Lupin: Uh ... no reason.
Harry: And-
Lupin: Time to go, Harry.
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HOGSMEADE TRIP FOR THE POPULAR
McGonagall: Sorry, Harry, you’re not allowed to go.
Harry: Why?
McGonagall: Because we all hate you. Er, I mean, you didn’t get your permission slip signed.
Harry: You could sign it.
McGonagall: Hell no.
Ron: I have a date! *skippity skip skip*
Harry: *Angst* Well clock, at least you’re always here for me.
Pendulum: *smack*
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ENTER NIGHT
Gryffindors: The Fat Lady is gone!
Dumbledore: And the painting is slashed!
Fangirls: Slash? Where?
Fat Lady: Sirius Black is a big meanie!
Dumbledore: Okay kids, slumber party in the great hall!
Gryffindors: W00t!
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GREAT HALL ORGY, ER, SLUMBER PARTY
Snape: Is he awake?
Dumbledore: I think so.
Snape: What if HE lets HIM into the castle?
Dumbledore: HE won’t, but if HE does … Harry will die!
Harry: Eeps!
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SEASON CHANGE
Whomping Willow: Whomp! *with snow*
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HOGSMEADE TRIP FOR THE POPULAR
Harry: Professor M—
McGonagall: Still can’t go.
Harry: Damn.
George: We
Fred: Can
George: Finish
Fred: Each
George: Other’s
Fred: Sentences.
George: And here’s a map.
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SNOW COVERED FIELD
Hermione: Hold me like you did on Naboo!
Ron: What?
Hermione: Uh, let’s go to the Shrieking Shack!
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Draco: I’m the bad guy. Grr! Mudblood! Potter! Mean things!
Hermione: You suck.
Draco: You suck more!
Harry: *invisible* Draco, I’ve got a pressie!
Draco: What?
Harry: *pulls down Crabbe’s pants*
Draco: Oh, I get it. Raaaape! *flees*
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HOGSMEADE
Neville: Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a smile …
Harry: Ha, no one will ever suspect me! *opens door*
Madame Rosmerta: Damned poltergeists.
Fudge: Harry … your cloak may make you invisible, but your deodorant sure doesn’t. But for the sake of the plot … I’ll pretend I don’t know you’re here.
McGonagall: Blah Blah Harry Blah Blah Sirius Blah Blah Peter Pettigrew Blah Blah DEATH! Blah Blah Godfather.
Vito: You called?
McGonagall: No, actually, you see –
Vito: You call me here, and then you offer me no respect?
Harry: I’m so depressed! I’m going to go cut myself!
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Hermione: Harry, are you upset?
Harry: *sniff* No!
Hermione: Harry, I can see right through you.
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INT. CORRIDOR – NIGHT
Snape: What are you doing wandering the corridors all alone at night? That's my job!
Harry: Crap. Uh ...
Snape: Is that a Marauders’ Map in your hand, or are you just happy to see me?
Harry: It’s a parchment. With. Uh. Nothing. On it.
Snape: Yeah, right. *Reveal your secrets!*
Parchment: November 16 – 1995. The CIA received intelligence that …
Snape: Silencio!
Lupin: Severus, how nice of you to be standing in the corridor as I happened to pass by.
Snape: Right. *Insert unresolved tension*
Lupin: Let me take that map, er, parchment, um, Harry, come with me. *grabs him*
Snape: I like being alone.
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CONVENIENTLY EMPTY CLASSROOM
Harry: Don't you think it's a little inappropriate for us to keep meeting like this? All alone. At night ...
Lupin: No, not at all. Now, about this map -
Harry: Your map is crap.
Lupin: No way. I made that map. I mean, no I didn’t.
Harry: Then why’s your name on it?
Lupin: Is not! Where?
Harry: *points*
Lupin: Oh.
Harry: Somebody I KNOW is dead is on this map. So the map is WRONG.
Lupin: You know, maybe YOU’RE wrong.
Harry: Am not!
Lupin: Maybe that person’s actually alive.
Harry: No way. Peter Pettigrew can’t be alive. That would be too convenient for the plot.
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QUIDDITCH VS. THE ELEMENTS
Audience: What happened to Cedric?
Harry: A whole new world!
Dementors: Skyah! Chomp!
Broom: Ow.
Harry: *Thump*
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SOME CLASS OF MAGICAL SOMETHING
Trelawney: You, you have the mark of death!
Harry: Shit.
Trelawney: And Hermione, you just suck at divination.
Hermione: *runs away*
Trelawney: Was it something I said?
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SEASON CHANGE
Whomping Willow: Springtime, for Hitler … *Whomp*
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DOWN BY THE RIVERBEND
Hermione: Why so glum, Hagrid?
Hagrid: The High Court has sentenced Buckbeak to TORCHA! And death.
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CLUSTER OF CONVENIENTLY PLACED STONES
Hermione: Why you stuck up, no good, scruffy looking – *points wand*
Draco: Whaaaaah!
Audience: Wow, that was easy …
Draco: Sorry, I just watched the last episode of Friends, I’m a little emotional right now.
Audience: Awwwww!
Ron: C’mon Hermione, this isn’t central to the plot.
Hermione. Fine, fine. *pause* Wham!
Audience: Grrrrl Power!
Draco: *crack*
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HAGRID’S SHACK OF UNREGISTERED PETS
Executioner: Chop!
Audience: You bastard, Potter! How could you let that poor animal die?
Hermione: This is why! *Tackles Ron* I’m soooooo upset! Hold me!
Harry: Don’t worry. We’ll save him later.
Audience: *scratches heads*
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THE RABBIT HOLE
Ron: Scabbers!
Dog: Pounce!
Ron: Help! I'm being attacked by a giant dog!
Audience: Ooh! We know who it is!
Whomping Willow: Whomp!
Hermione: My uterus hurts.
Harry: Mine does too.
Hermione: …
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SHRIEKING SHACK
Shrieking Shack: Shriek!
Hermione: We must be in the shrieking shack!
Ron: That’s no ordinary dog!
Hermione: Oh my god, it’s Jesus!
Sirius: No, I’m Sirius Black.
Ron: Oh my god, it’s Sirius Black!
Sirius: …
Lupin: Sirius, you look amazing! Have you lost weight?
Sirius: I’ve been on the Azkaban diet.
Lupin: Good, good.
Snape: I have arrived!
Lupin: Welcome to my Shrieking Shack … of love.
Sirius: Let’s kill HIM.
Lupin: No, we shouldn’t kill HIM.
Snape: You two fight like a married couple.
Fangirls: OMFG! *faint die*
Lupin: Yes! They're dead.
Harry: Ack.
Sirius: I’ve waited so long to kill HIM.
Lupin: Okay, let’s kill HIM.
Harry: Shit. You traitor!
Sirius: Who said what in they hey now?
Harry: You betrayed and murdered my father!
Sirius: No, Harry. I am your father!
Audience: WTF?
Sirius: Sorry, couldn’t resist.
Lupin: I think there's some confusion, Harry ... you see Peter -
Snape: *to Remus* I hate you! *to Sirius* I hate you more!
Ron: Um, Professor Snape, do you just hate everyone, or is there some particular –
Harry: Ron, don’t you remember?
Hermione: Remember what, Harry?
Harry: You know, how my dad and Sirius tricked Snape into getting attacked by Lupin, and then my dad saved him at the last moment?
Hermione: I don’t remember that.
Ron: I don’t remember that.
Audience: I don’t remember that.
Snape: I did tell him … I swear! It was in that scene, uh, where, uh … look, Legolas! *dives*
Legolas: A diversion!
Harry: *to Snape* Expelliarmus!
Snape: Ow. *plays dead* I will remember nothing. Nothing …
Ron: Oh my god, you killed Snape! You bastard!
Hermione: Shit, Harry, you killed a professor. We are going to be in so much trouble!
Harry: Sirius – tell me about this Peter Pettigrew business. And make it snappy – we’ve only got 20 minutes left, and we haven’t even gone back in time yet.
Sirius: Oh, okay then. Peter Pettigrew did it.
All: Gasp!
Sirius: And he’s right over there! *points*
Lupin: That’s a piano …
Audience: Why is there a piano in the Shrieking Shack anyhow?
Lupin: I want to be a lounge singer, OKAY?!?!
Sirius: I meant … over there! *points*
Ron: Me?
Sirius: No, the rat.
Hermione: Hey!
Sirius: No, I mean the actual rat! *voom*
Peter Pettigrew: Cheese!
Steve Urkel: Where?
Peter Pettigrew: And I would have gotten away with it too, if it weren’t for you meddling kids!
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UNDER THE MOONLIGHT, THE SILVERY MOONLIGHT
Lupin: When the moon hits your eye like a … shit.
Sirius: No, Remus! *grope grope*
Lupin: Ow.
Sirius: Your true self is in your heart! *grope grope*
Lupin: Very, very ow.
Sirius: This beast is but flesh. Flesh … *grope grope*
Snape: Never fear! Severus Snape is here!
Fangirls: Ooooh!
Harry: *runs away*
Snape: Aw, shit. Why doesn’t anybody like me? I’m so misunderstood.
-----
SOMEWHERE IN THE NOT-SO-FORBIDDEN FOREST
Lupin: *attacks*
Sirius: *falls over*
Voice: Mooo!
Lupin: Oh, cows! *follows*
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Sirius: I think I’m dying.
Harry: I think so too.
Sirius: Oh no! My little blue light is floating away.
Navi: Help! I’m in the wrong story!
Sirius: *croaks*
Harry: Shit. C'mon Sirius! If you wake up, I'll take you ice skating!
Dememtors: *swarm*
Harry: Uh… Expecto Patronum! *fails*
Somebody Else: Expecto Patronum! *succeeds*
Harry: *Faints*.
Audience: You suck, Potter!
-----
HOSPITAL WING
Harry: … and then the John Deere logo appeared to me, and we were saved!
Hermione: Weird.
Ron: What does it all mean?
Harry: I don’t know, but I have the sudden urge to buy some farm equipment.
Hermione: Oh yeah. Sirius isn’t actually dead.
Harry: Cool.
Hermione: But they’re about to kill him.
Harry: Not cool.
Dumbledore: *enters* To everything, turn, turn, turn, there is a season, turn, turn, turn. *exits*
Harry: What the hell?
Hermione: He wants us to go back in time to save Sirius.
Harry: Oh.
Hermione: Ron, I’m sorry, you can’t go, because I’m supposed to make the Harry/Hermione fans happy now.
Ron: Damn.
Hermione: On your mark … get set … go!
Harry: I feel like I’m on Legends of the Hidden Temple.
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EARLIER
Harry: Hey, it’s you beating up Malfoy again.
Hermione: I’m cool, I know.
Harry: And I'm sexy!
Then Harry: Yes you are, Harry-five-hours from now.
Harry: I love your hair!
Then Harry: Me too! And your ass is to die for!
Harry: Thank you!
Hermione: Enough of this!
Harry: Okay, let’s go watch ourselves go to Hagrid. *to the audience* I told you we’d save him later.
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HAGRID’S PUMPKIN PATCH OF HANDY GROUND COVER
Buckbeak: *depressed*
Harry: Buckbeak, let’s get outta here.
Hermione: *chucks ferrets*
Buckbeak: Huzzah!
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Fudge: Huh, it was here a minute ago.
Hagrid: Yay! I mean. Terrible.
Executioner: Dammit! I get paid by the chop. *Chops pumpkin* Cash, please.
-----
EARLER, BUT LATER
Hermione: I think that Remus and Sirius are getting it on.
Harry: No way! Sirius asked me to live with him. We’re going to have a little cottage, maybe in the country, with a garden all our own!
Hermione: Uh huh.
-----
NOT-SO-FORBIDDEN FOREST, AGAIN
Hermione: Moo!
Harry: Why’d you do that?
Hermione: To save your life, dumbass. You were about to get eaten by Professor Lupin.
Harry: Yeah, but now he’s going to eat both of us.
Hemione: Good point.
Lupin: Grr!
Remus Fangirls: Aww! He’s so cute!
Buckbeak: *Swipe!*
Harry: *chucks ferret*
-----
Harry: Shit. Sirius is dying again. But it’s okay, my dad’s going to save us.
Hermione: Your dad is the John Deere logo?
Harry: Yes. Yes he is.
Audience: Harry, how do you know that your father could turn into a deer?
Harry: I read ahead.
Hermione: Um. Dementors!
Harry: Any second now …
Hermione: Um, Harry, your spell just failed.
Harry: Aw, fuck it. Expecto Patroooo- *ten minutes later* num!
Dementors: We’re meeeellltttiinggggg!
Audience: Does this mean that Harry is the John Deere logo?
-----
HOGWART’S JAILTOWER?
Sirius: I’ve got a lovely bunch of coconuts, la la la la!
Harry: We’re here to save you!
Sirius: Aren’t you a little short for a stormtrooper?
Harry: Huh?
Sirius: Nevermind. Thanks, kids.
Hermione: No prob.
Sirius: *strokes Harry’s face* Forget Remus. I was getting it on with both your parents. And you’re the combination of the two.
Harry: Uh. *shuffles nervously*
Sirius: Oh, look at the time! I’ve gotta skidaddle. C’mon Big Bird.
Buckbeak: *flap flap*
-----
HOSPITAL WING
Dumbledore: Mum.
Harry: Right.
Ron: Wow, that was quick.
Hermione: That’s the point.
Ron: So, does this mean you didn’t *really* spend all evening alone with Harry?
Hermione: Nope.
Ron: Darn.
-----
SUSPICIOUSLY EMPTY CLASSROOM
Lupin: I'm leaving. Nobody approves of *people like me* teaching their children.
Harry: Why?
Lupin: Don't worry, I'm used to it. People treat *people like me* badly all the time.
Harry: I'm sorry.
Lupin: We can't even keep jobs ... everyone persecutes us!
Harry: ... I'm confused. Are you still talking about being a werewolf?
Lupin: Of course, Harry. What else could I possibly be talking about?
Harry: Oh, I dunno, it sort of sounded like -
Lupin: I must depart.
Harry: Don’t leave me!
Lupin: Sorry, I have to go live with Sirius now.
Harry: You both suck.
Lupin: Yes, we do.
Harry: Oh. Well. Then.
-----
HOGWART’S HALL OF SOYLENT GREEN
Harry: I am anemic! I’m not a wuss after all!
Audience: Yeah, right.
Ron: I opened your present.
Draco: Why does HARRY always get presents!
Ron: It doesn’t say who it’s from, but it came with this. *shows feather*
Harry: Buckbeak bought me a broomstick?
Audience: No, dimwit, Sirius did.
Hermione: But how could Sirius go into a shop while wanted posters of him are plastered up all over the country?
Harry: Maybe he used a credit card?
-----
SOMEWHERE IN EAST LONDON
Sherry Bobbins: …it lifts *and* separates! And who cares if it cost 15,000 quid? It’s not like *I* paid for it!
-----
THE SKY
Harry: I’m king of the world!
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THE END